Husband away for months. Struggling.

[Blossombunny]

So DH works in the states for large periods of time usually a minimum of 10 weeks but can be up to 3 months or longer. We have two children 2 and 5 and I do not work but stay at home and manage life and the house etc.

When at work DH works long hours often 18 hour plus days but will usually have a couple of days off a week but a lot of travelling is involved.

Dh has started mentioning since being away that he has doubts about our relationship which is now weighing massively on my mind. I feel absolutely overwhelmed with raising the children and keeping on top of life in general that yes we do not have a lot of time to communicate. Somehow I feel like this is being made to be my fault and I feel like I’m completely failing. I just feel so overwhelmed with no help day to day and no matter how much I tell DH he just doesn’t understand. I have no family or external support.

DH is a total workaholic and rarely says no to work but it has always been an agreement that it’s how we move forward in our lives.

I feel overwhelmed and confused. Does anyone have any advice. Should I be finding raising two kids solo this hard.

That sounds awful and to be honest, a really lonely life for you. Of course.your relationship will suffer if you don't see each other for months at a time and barely communicate. That's certainly not your fault. There are other jobs out there and he's choosing work over family. Does he plan to do this forever? Is there an end in sight to the travel/overtime? If not I can't see what you are actually getting from the relationship.

Sorry to hear this, OP.

But, to be blunt, was it ever realistically sustainable to be married to someone who is not around for months at a time? Are you genuinely surprised by this?

On a more constructive note, are you in a position to work yourself to lessen his burden so you can live a 'normal' life? Can he change jobs? I assume he is extremely well paid for the job so a big lifestyle change would happen if he switched jobs?

First off, hugs that sounds so hard and I would be so angry at him for insinuating you are the source of any "doubts" he has. Do you think it could bs the start of "the script" and he has found someone else abroad and is now sowing the seed of unhappiness so he has a " reason"? Do you have family in the UK? Could you sell up and move to be closer to family or friends/your support network? This would be my main priority if I was in your situation.
I think he should also be paying for a cleaner/you using the family money for this on an as and when basis, to ease your burden!

If he is amenable and its financially feasible I think perhaps structured calls, skype dates etc and maybe you could go for a short holiday there or halfway between you if he can, bringing your mum or a support person for help on the flights? A way to reconnect and have something fun?
Otherwise it is all trying to ease your burden and claw back some time for yourself and hobbies, making friends etc. x

When at work DH works long hours often 18 hour plus days but will usually have a couple of days off a week but a lot of travelling is involved

^^ This, on top of working in a completely different country?

Im sorry to hear you're struggling but you don't actually have a relationship. You're effectively a single parent so no wonder youre finding things hard. Do the children even know/remember their Dad?

Someone else will be along with good advice soon but seems to me you'd be far better off divorced from this man, and creating a new life for yourself and your children. I bet 100%, that he already has a whole new shiny life out in USA, and thats what is taking up his time.

No way is he working 18 hours day with only 6 hours left for tasks, leisure, sleep etc. Thats impossible he's not a machine. Don't sit waiting until he dumps you - which, he will. Get legal advice asap, get your eyes on financial paperwork get everything in order etc. & after youve done all of that - you dump him.

I hope you have good family and friends support

Is it not possible for you to both relocate there? What visa is he on?

Presumably you have access to the finances? (it would make things almost impossible to run if you didn't)

What would be his reaction to a suggestion that you buy in housekeeping help? (hoping it would be positive... but so many of these career men seem to think Their Hard-Earned Money isn't for making your life better...) Cleaning definitely, tidying if you can persuade someone into it, basic cooking.

Which reminds me, eat the same thing and at the same time as the children.

Have you got bills automated? - insurance, utilities, credit card all by direct debit. Big shop online monthly or fortnightly leaving only fresh stuff to pick up on the way home from school. I'm assuming his spending while away is separated from the household accounts, because otherwise that would be a nightmare (to deal with or to ignore).

What would be your gut reaction to the idea of attending church? I know a lot of people have had bad experiences or are so untheistic they feel it would be hypocritical, but otherwise you might find it a quick way of building some initial sense of community. Or at least something to do on a Sunday morning.

You will note I haven't mentioned the biggie. That's because I'm burying my head in the sand. I will say that the first thing the two of you need to address is - is he having doubts because you hardly ever see each other, because you(pl) don't communicate, or because of deeper issues? Don't allow him to put it all on you just because you know you're feeling overwhelmed.

Why would you relocate to be with a man who says it's not sure about you and your relationship and who works every hour there is anyway?

He sounds awful. Not the kind of man to raise children with. I gently suggest you start to plan for life without him. Parenting 2 young children on your own is very hard, why doesn't he understand this? It's obviously not your fault that you don't have much time. What a selfish tosser.

I’m not surprised your relationship is strained. This arrangement sounds impossible.

Your husband could always choose a job that didn’t require any of that time away. He could choose to prioritise being at home with his wife and children. That’s a choice that he could make tomorrow if he really wanted to.

Would he really rather leave his two young children without a father than change his job?

I don’t mean to be rude/blunt as you’re clearly struggling but what is the point in being married? You literally sound as if you’re a single parent especially as he works overseas for months at a time and you barely communicate with each other. What is the point in staying together?

What are his doubts?

In terms of the 'relationship' - what is there in this to you that offers one or that forms one other than in name and the fact there are children involved? He is never there and has told you your needs aren't a priority because his work is. He effectively gets to have two lives in two different countries (to what extent who really knows) while you don't get to have one at all and are suffering as a direct result. I'm not sure how this arrangement and how it makes you feel is allowing you to 'move on in your lives' but it sounds as though the crux of the agreement is that you suffer the brunt of everything in order that he can make money which (according to him I assume) is working for a better life for the 'family'.

He is not thinking of you as a couple, he has made this clear in his actions and also his comments. I would advise that you start to think about yourself here and the life you would like to have outside of the relationship, how you can expand your support circle going forward in better circumstances or the impact this is having on any careers or hobbies you may want or need to have for your own sake while his flourishes. You can't be expected to keep this up for him and if he wants to separate you may have no choice in the matter anyway.

Presumably he is a reasonable earner so there is no reason why he cannot pay for childcare, help at home?

If he isnt around to do his share of housework and parenting then he needs to pay for someone else to do it so his wife doesn't work herself into the ground. Weekly cleaner and all kids in childcare a few sessions a week. Regular babysitter for your social life.

Whats the point chasing the big money and job if your wife is struggling and miserable.

Also suggest the script-make out its worse then it is to justify new woman.

Hes abroad but had two days off per week and his evenings to himself. When do you get a day off.

No way is he working 18 hour days.

It seems quite obvious that he has a new partner or is at least having casual sex over there.

Raising two children by yourself without support sounds so tough. I am guessing that finances are okay so perhaps start making a life for yourself and the children. Make some friends. Have fun. Enjoy life without him x

It’s cruel of him to suggest your relationship is failing from afar. I’d be suspicious if him for that reason.

I dont understand how this situation has even come about. Why did he agree to having children when he's away 3 months at a time doing 18 hour days?

I'm so sorry you're in this situation but if I'm honest, this isn't sustainable. Your children deserve someone who is there.

You deserve someone who is there too.

I hate saying LTB but maybe it's time you looked at the bigger picture. He's not in it. Because he's never there. You and your children deserve better.

How is he when he come home from the trips away? I’m a military wife and MrTopaz has to disappear for 5-6 months every 2-3 years. How often does your DH go away and do you get on well when he’s home? I work part-time with two kids and honestly when he’s away work gives me a break from the children (and a cup of tea in peace)… is doing some part time work for adult conversation possible?
my heart goes out to you, being a single parent for extended periods is really challenging.

Thank you for all taking the time to reply. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy and the way I feel about the situation is all in my head. It is reassuring for me to hear others articulating how I’m feeling and that I’m not wrong to feel the way I do.

I do feel lonely. I feel like my life is often on a weird pause like I am waiting around and not living to the fullest because something/someone is missing.

The children and I are very independent and do our own thing. I try hard to maintain friendships I’ve built with other mums too.

When home DH is very helpful and hands on with the kids but still busy with work. He will often have a few weeks back in the country before flying again. He says it’s not forever but to get us through the next 5 years or so. I’m not so sure it’s that easy to step away from though.

The 18+ hours is very legitimate despite it sounding crazy. Very normal in the sector he works in.

Do not under any circumstances agree to move to the USA to be with a man who has doubts about your relationship. If you split up he could stop you moving back to the Uk with your kids.

What is he trying to 'get you through' during these five years. Whats the logic.

When he stops he will be a stranger to his children and his wife will be so simmering with resentment the marriage will be over. He is missing their childhood.

There will be nothing to come back to if he keeps it up five years.

You need to start taking ownership of your own life. I started telling DH what I needed rather than asking his permission to spend money when I was stuck at home looking after the DC.
I'm guessing your DH is on a good salary with those ocnditions, so start by getting a cleaner and a PT nanny so you get some time to yourself. Non negotiable.
Spend that time recharging your batteries at first and then look into training or PT work.
Remind your DH it is impossible to have a great relationship when he is never here and DC are small. If you want to stay together with him, remind him most people struggle when second DC is born and under school age, and that this phase will pass. Focus on things you want to do together, like holidays and some good times when he returns.