When you have a limit to life ..

[shiningcuckoo]

This probably isn't the right place for this. But anyway ... I have a terminal diagnosis. If things work out well for me, I'll have a 'good long time'. Apparently a good long time is defined as 3 years. If the drugs don't work, then it's about a year. I don't want to fade away. I want to go out like a firework. Any suggestions around living the rest of my life with a boom?

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis.
We had a very dear family friend in the same situation, only early forties. She made the most amazing list of things to do and places to go, she absolutely went with with a bang!

Sorry to hear about your terminal diagnosis. So difficult.

My friend - in his 40s - managed. Focused on people and doing things he loved, made some more money whilst he could, to leave partner in a good financial situation, and kept going till near the end (with many hiccups/hospital episodes in between). He outlived best scenario timescales given by about a year due to getting into trial drugs that worked for a while. He didn’t end it himself so no going out with a bang, but the suffering was minimised and it felt like a dignified exit. He was tired and ready to go by then but always said how grateful he was for a few decent years after diagnosis.

I wouldn’t bother hanging out with people who bring you down. Just focus on the people who lift you up and contribute most to your life. Do you have kids? Look at the people who will be there for them through it all. Have the hard conversations with them. Take lots of photos. Do videos. Make sure they’re silly.

Leave letters to cherish for those that you love. If you have kids leave memory books with sayings, favorite recipes, good advice etc.

I’m so sorry to read this.

Some people want to leave a legacy of some kind, through fundraising or activism or whatever. Does that appeal?

Others want to chronicle their journey through blogs, social media etc.

Others want to travel, or just spend time with loved ones.

It’s all valid, I don’t think there are any wrong answers tbh. Does the thought of anything particular light you up?

Sorry that you have a terminal diagnosis OP.

I too would surround myself by those I love, drink champagne or my favourite tipple, plant a tree that will grow for hundreds of years, visit a place I always wanted to go, swim in the sea and probably go on the rides that I'm usually to scared to at Alton Towers.
You're probably more daring than me though.

Whatever you choose I wish you fun on your journey.

I am unfortunately in the same boat as you. I try to get out and about and do things that Ive put off doing, I have no family so have to push myself. One thing
I do, if Im scared of doing something, I think to myself well whats the worst that could happen now, and do it !

I have teenagers. It's very hard for them. I'm already very involved with a charity. I chair their board, write many of their resources and travel overseas to deliver their programmes. I am desperate to go again but it's a place at high altitude and I have lung cancer so there is a question mark over my ability to travel. I also want to go home for one last time - other side of the world. I absolutely love travel but need to balance this with the needs of my kids and the moneybI have. I work full time at the moment. I'm a teacher so the work is full on but worthwhile.
It's all the uncertainty. I want to spend up. My kids will get my house. They won't need my money. And I want to live passionately and with purpose with what little I have left.

Can you afford to give up work? If I were you I'd do that while still feeling adventurous and able to enjoy time with loved ones.

I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis - and you too @thereisonlyoneofme - I hope you can absolutely spend your time as you wish.

Thereisonlyoneofme

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. My only family is my kids. I sometimes feel that I spend a lot of energy managing the emotions and reactions of others. I've seen some really surprising and disappointing reactions to my news. Also some amazing support but feel pressure to be grateful.

@BitOutOfPractice
No. Can't give up work. Two teens. Useless ex who pays nothing. No benefits available. It's all on me.

I like to fantasise that if I ever ended up in such a scenario I would take the opportunity to become a vigilante. Go after child molesters and rapists who eluded justice. Apply all I've learned about forensics from watching a gazillion crime documentaries over the years.

Ugh, useless ex. They are remarkably common aren't they? Knob (him not you!)

Firstly I am really sorry for your diagnosis and in awe of your determination and positivity.

It's not the same at all so I hope you don't think I'm trying to compare the situations but I have two older children (22 and 19) and a younger one of 9. For various family related reasons we're looking to move away in just under 2 years back to near where I grew up. It's focused my mind on ensuring that the older kids who don't want to move with us are set up as well as can be and have all the skills and knowledge they need to live an independent life. We've guided them both into jobs and are working on budgeting and making sure they have savings to support themselves and on a longer term a plan for how they will build careers in their chosen professions.

This isn't an exciting plan and I'm sure you're probably doing this kind of thing already but it's brining me peace of 'mind seeing that they'll be ok without me.

I am 'life limited' without a specific expiry date. I am in heart failure and apparently you get roughly between 1 and 10 years after diagnosis (although I have read some people live up to 20 years). I was diagnosed about 2 years ago now. So I could pop off at any point.

I also have lung disease, autoimmune conditions and all sorts so 🤷 I could be here in ten years or I could drop dead seconds after pressing post.

Everyone is different but for me what works is just accepting it. I make deeply inappropriate jokes that make people feel uncomfortable but they laugh cos I'm funny, damnit 😁. I'm self employed and I work when I can and rest when I need to and I've prepared everything in a neat little book that my husband will need. Utilities, account numbers, payment dates, all the practical stuff.

First OP, I’m sorry to hear your news. My best thoughts go out to you.

Secondly, if this were me, I’d be looking at three things:

1. the big ‘bucket list’ of things I always wanted to do - we all have them. Dust them if the shelf, add more. Put them in order of easiest to hardest or cheapest to most expensive or most amount of energy to least amount of energy. Start trying to do one a week. Don’t wait.
2. live each day to the full/as though it was my last (sounds trite, but I have always thought it would be a shame to die on a day I said no to the caramel slice at morning tea, and put off coffee with a friend to go to the gym. If you know the end is coming, eat the damn caramel slice every day, go out every afternoon, and cook your favourite meals every night. I’d never eat broccoli again.
3. What do I want left, after I’m gone? I’d sort out a Will, the financial and any care provisions for the kids. I’d write letters to them - one for after the death, but maybe others for big milestones in life - morning of their weddings? 21st birthday? Birth of first child? Graduation? 50th birthday? Times when I know they might be thinking of me and wondering what I thought, or if I was proud, or about their own birth etc. I’d declutter my stuff, so it wasn’t a huge, amount left for someone to do after I’d gone (especially with no close relatives except the kids). I’d also think about a nice gift for the kids from me. Depending on their sex - a classic ‘everyday’ necklace/earrings/bracelet than can be worn all the time, so you are always with them? A handmade crochet blanket or patchwork blanket that can always be on their beds? I have one from my Grandmother, and although she’s been gone for many, many years, I think of her every evening in autumn and winter when I fold it on the bed, or curl under it. I know she thought of me with every stitch in it, and i like to think she knew I would think of her every day in autumn/winter.

I would also worry less about stuff - work and retirement funds! And I’d try and spend as much time as possible with the people I loved and who loved me.

Wishing you your best journey home.

Hi OP, on the work front, if you are a teacher in UK and in the pension scheme, can you either apply for Tier 1 retirement or possibly commute all into a one off payment (for less than 1 year life expectancy)? Your children, if still dependant when you die, would also receive a pension until a certain age. Apologies for bringing this up if you have already considered all these options versus the death in service option, but I was just considering that maybe there are options to allow you to give up work.