I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and don’t know which way to turn.
My 18 year old has a history of lying, she’s never been badly behaved as such but for some reason or other she’d do something, lie about it and then it escalates.
For example her first boyfriend when she was 15, instead of coming to me and saying she had a boyfriend she’d sneak him round when I was out, lie about it and would almost believe her lies herself. This is a very basic explanation, I won’t go into detail cause it’s already turning into an essay 😬
I’d sit her down and have a talk, say I’m happy she has a boyfriend and why doesn’t she invite him round to watch a film, or for a takeaway etc.
Anyway fast forward two years and that relationship ended about 6 months ago. He was part of the family and did lots of stuff with us (just for context).
She’s now seeing someone else, and history is repeating itself.
I came home the other day and the house stank of weed, she said no one had been here. I couldn’t be bothered with the argument so left it. I then found a grinder under the sofa cushion 🙄 She absolutely does not smoke, she hates it and she never smells of it (ex smoker so I can smell it a mile off). Anyway, she still denied anyone had been here, no idea how the grinder got there etc etc.
I talk to her a few days later, say I obviously don’t mind if she has a boyfriend, but didn’t she learn from the last time that lying and sneaking around isn’t the way to go. If she’s not ready for me to meet him then that’s fine etc, but just please respect I don’t want anyone in the house when I’m not here.
I’m now sat here having been awake since 2am with that feeling that someone is in the house. I hear a few random noises etc. Try and sleep but can’t. 5.30 the outside light pings on (back of house). I look out but can’t see anything so wander down.
The back window is adjar with the back door curtain open and door unlocked (I always lock up before I go to bed). House stinks of smoke and “man”. TV is on too.
I come into her room, she’s in bed but clothed. I ask her if someone has been here… “no”. I said well I think they have, the house stinks of smoke and it’s all unlocked. She promises no one has been here.
I flipped my lid and went mental at her, said how disrespectful she was etc etc. Not my finest moment, but why the hell can’t she just be “normal” and not sneak around.
I have issues with people being in the house that I don’t know, I feel like it invades my privacy and this is my home. Yes it’s extreme, but my ex husband was violent and abusive and used to invite all sorts of people home whilst I was sleeping and they’d steal things and trash the house. So it triggers me. She knows this. I’ve explained when all is calm that I have no issues with her inviting people round, I just like to meet them first and know when they’re there.
it’s the lying that I can’t stand. I just feel so out of my depth. Have I over reacted? Probably yes but I have to have boundaries, and mine are clear but she breaks them all the time. I’m not even that strict. I just have a rule that I don’t want people I don’t know in the house when I’m not home.
We actually have a decent relationship, we chill together, have a laugh, go to the cinema etc. And we are quite close compared to a lot of my friends and their children.
How do I deal with this? Is it ok for them to sneak people into the house in the middle of the night and lie about it? Do other parents accept this kind of behaviour?
She’s an intelligent girl, I just can’t understand why she’s like this 😪