Actually, DH, sometimes you are going to have to say exactly that!

[WeneedSamVimesonthecase]

Like a lot of women, I didn't go back to work after having children. DH earned 3 times what I did, so it made sense for me to stay at home rather than spend more than my salary on childcare.

Once the DC were both at school, I went back to uni, did a post-grad, and set myself up as a freelancer. Thanks to Covid getting in the way, it's only now, nearly 4 years on, that I'm actually starting to get a decent amount of work coming through and things are taking off. Financially speaking, it doesn't make anywhere near as much as DH's job - but it could. Potentially if this continues to go well I could end up the main earner.

Anyway, we were looking our schedule for the next couple of months, and there's one day when I have to leave at the crack of dawn to travel to a job, and he "has" to be in the office. Someone needs to be at home - not all day, just till the DC (10 and 8) go to school. My mum can collect them and look after them till one of us - probably me - gets home.

To be clear, one of us has options, the other one doesn't. I have to be physically present to do my job, and I have to be there by a certain time - the event can't start without me. DH works flexibly, from home 70% of the time, and it's largely up to him which days he physically goes into the office. In addition, he likes to leave the house at 6am to be in by 7am - but he doesn't have to be. There's absolutely no reason he can't take the DC to school then catch the train by 9am.

He's not saying I have to cancel or anything daft like that, but he's being absolutely inflexible. He "has" to be in the office that day, and can't possibly go in a bit later. He's just to said to me "I can't just tell my work I can't make it in because I have child care issues."

YES HE BLOODY CAN! How the blithering feck does he thing other people - including other people in his own organisation - manage, when they haven't the benefit of a Me picking up all the family and domestic slack for over a decade?! He's never once had to look after a sick child, or leave early to attend a parents evening, or a school play or put himself out in anyway, and in spite of the fact he's knows I'm working too now, he's still expecting I'll just magically sort this stuff without him having to be involved in anyway.

I've left it with him to sort, and made it very clear he has to. And I get this is going to be an adjustment period for him, and he's broadly quite supportive - so long as it doesn't inconvenience him! I'm just so frustrated. My work matters too!

Why not go to a hotel near to your venue the night before? Pack a bag and stroll out if the house with a cheery wave and leave him to it.

Good for you, OP! I know so many men who try to duck out of things like this, or parental leave, because it may possibly disadvantage their careers. We know it might, but all women basically have to do it for their kids and if everyone just did it no one would be disadvantaged! They are not bad men, just blinkered by male expectations (interestingly many of the older men I work with now voice regrets about working so much in the "old model" and always putting work above their kids - at the end of career with grown up kids it looks like a less smart move in hindsight).

Interested in what you retrained in!

He's just to said to me "I can't just tell my work I can't make it in because I have child care issues

Has he literally never heard of women? What a dick.

Of course he can do it! He's just not used to it because you've been doing all the child stuff for years.

Going forward though, it sounds like you both need to take on board that if you both want careers, you'll need to sort childcare. Not criticising you personally OP but it does often seem to be families who've had a SAHP who seem reluctant to organise and pay for wraparound care when the kids are in school. If you return to work when they're younger you just accept that you need proper childcare to be able to work.

It sounds like your career is taking off and your dh works full time so it's unrealistic to think one of you will always be free to drop off and pick up at school times. There'll be school holidays and inset days too so it makes sense to get proper care sorted. But obviously for this one occasion your dh can just do it

Sounds like you handled it well

Don’t give an inch

He will adjust but only if he’s made to

I’ve left DH to deal in similar circumstances when our DCs were small. He didn’t plan and just turned up on a friend’s doorstep on the morning with the DCs and a story about being late for his train to work. I was furious. The next time I called my friends to tell them to say no if he did that again and told him to make proper arrangements in plenty of time. He did it again. I don’t remember what he did when the friends said no. Not my problem. It didn’t happen a third time.

Hold tight OP.

Agree with this. My dh earns a lot more than me but he always takes my needs into account. He will work from home at the drop of a hat if the kids are ill because he can and he knows how hard it is to sort short notice cover for teachers. He does the morning drop off so I can get organised for the day. He looks after the kids when I go on residential trips and so much more. Your dh needs a kick up the backside! Ask him what he's going to do when you divorce him and you split custody of the kids?