Can I tell her?

[Inasec24]

My friend has split up with her BF of many years. No going back kind of split up. He was emotionally abusive and I hated him. I never told her because I didn't want to push her away, but he spoke to her like shit, was vile to be around, total elitist misogynist - just a genuinely horrible person.

She just had an epiphany and ended it and I'm so happy for and proud of her.

I'm seeing her next week and I want to tell her what I always thought of the bastard. Do I still need to remain neutral even though they have split? I'm guessing I probably do...

It isn't really about remaining neutral, but just be sensitive, take the lead from her, but probably at first the honesty needs to just stop at the fact that you didn't like him, just don't lay it all bare just yet.

I would worry that she did go back!!

I would comment that you didn't like specific bits of his behaviour and why.

I think you'll run the risk of her feeling ashamed and stupid if you tell her you never liked him: like she didn't see something you did?

And that's not the worst case scenario, which is her going back to him md you being the horrible friend who slagged him off

No I wouldn't say that. I did this and it blew up in my face massively! They got back together and she fell out with me!

I would just listen and agree with her when she states how bad he was. She definitely does not need to know what you thought of him. My first thought would be: then why didn't you tell me?! She might be angry!

A couple of my friends did that after I split with ex. I just felt… well why didn’t you TELL me that instead of thinking it all that time?! Why didn’t you point out the behaviour I thought was normal and tell me it was abusive then? It was frustrating if nothing else.

Definitely don’t!! Just agree and nod but don’t say anything bad as they may get back together

I wouldn't and I speak from experience. I found my friends ex absolutely repulsive on every level and had wondered more than once how she could bear to sleep with him

My friend had built up some illusions/delusions about other people, but especially me, envying them and their relationship. I very much burst a bubble.

The friendship faded after this, and I often wonder since if she had only kept me around because she enjoyed feeling like she was in an enviable position. The sad thing is that nothing about their life was, in any way, to be aspired to.

I think it's ok to say something along the lines of
'I never warmed to him and I didn't like how he treated you sometimes, so I'm glad he's gone and you can move onwards and upwards' without specifics or going overboard.

When I split with an abusive ex some friends were keen to tell me how much they hated him, but to be fair I'd known deep down all the time how they felt, so it didn't shock or bother me.

Thanks everyone. Will take this advice. So glad I never have to be in his company again!!!