Can I have a shoulder please? When does raising a toddler get easier - or does it?

[2doorsdown]

I'm just looking for some support or a chink of light at the end of the tunnel! I don't have any friends with toddlers and my mum is unfortunately hyper-critical (think Stately Homes thread) and no support at all. I'm low contact with her but due to circumstances I speak to her every month or so on the phone and see her a handful of times a year. She thinks children should be seen and not heard.

Anyway due to my awful upbringing which led to years of counselling, I have tried to raise my son differently, with lots of love, cuddles and affection whilst having firm boundaries. On a good day I think it's going ok, but.... he's 2 years old (28 months) and hitting a terrible twos phase, and I do find it incredibly hard work. I know I only have 1 child and my mum and MIL (who both live hours away so don't help) do make me feel that I should be loving this time in my life and it should be pretty easy.

However I'm not, and I find I'm longing for nap time, bed time, or my DS days at nursery when I'm at work (2.5 days PW). At weekends I've been drinking wine to numb everything which then makes me feel worse and I know it's not good for me. I'm always thinking ahead to a time when he's no longer a toddler and things can be a bit easier - again I know that's not healthy.

He is having a lot of tantrums at the moment. I'm ok at managing them so they don't last too long but it is exhausting especially when it happens in public. The other day a mum with a newborn was staring and frowning at my son when he was having a meltdown. I felt like screaming at her to be honest, as I remember the newborn stage being SO much easier! I felt so judged. It's physical as he is a big boy and sometimes I have to pick him up off the floor. I have a bad back. He is also the type of child who runs round everywhere so I have to use reins to stop him killing himself by running into the traffic.

My son has suddenly become a really fussy eater, and it's a nightmare as he refuses all hot home cooked meals. He is also going through a phase of not sharing things, and pushing over other children toys etc. he has also pushed another child and even hit a little girl the other day for no apparent reason.

I always go down to his level and say no, we don't hit, kind hands etc and try to say how can we make the girl feel better, say sorry etc. But again, it's exhausting to do this all through the day. He never seems to learn. I hope it is just a phase and not a bad sign?? I've bought books about not hitting and trying everything.

My son is loving, confident and generally happy around his meltdowns so I'm hoping he is completely normal and it's all a phase. Indeed when I feel at my most knackered and lowest ebb I keep telling myself it's all just a phase, this will pass. I just don't know when!

As I have no RL friends with toddlers all I see is other mums at soft play etc who appear to be coping and who's toddlers all look far more compliant than my son. My mother's view is he is a very "loud" child (read into that unacceptable / naughty etc). When we zoom her she always says to him "oh dear X, are you a very loud boy" in a disapproving tone.

Basically I know I need to let my mothers opinion go. But when will this phase end, if ever??? I'm so knackered and I've aged about a decade since he started walking.

I do have a partner by the way, and he is fully supportive emotionally but he works long hours so I do everything from wake up to bedtime alone during the week, and weekends are spent trying to fill up with activities to take son to so we don't just hang round our home all day.

It's a tough age. It's relentless but also unpredictable, in the sense you never know when they will try to run off or have a tantrum. All kids are different and so people find different ages tough, but personally life was easier for me when mine were 3 compared to 2. My youngest is 3.5 and has good language skills so he can understand and explain things. He doesn't randomly run away, so I'm less on edge out and about. He is toilet trained and can mostly dress himself, so less physically demanding. We still have battles but less so.

My sympathies OP. I have a teen which comes with its own set of challenges but toddlers are physically and mentally exhausting. It was certainly not my favourite age. Things DO get better, I promise.

I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old, and I am counting down the days until the 2 year old hits 4. My older one is so gorgeous and lovely. The 2 year old is absolute chaos. She grabbed another kids hair the other day and tried to drag him across the room with it.

long story short, we all know how tough that stage is. You’ll get through it and have an adorable 4 year old soon.

Thank you so much. I really really hope so!! I just hate the feeling of wishing my life away.

Ignore the disapproving newborn mum OP, she’ll find out soon enough how hard it is! In my experience all toddlers are demanding but some are definitely harder work than others. My DD was like your DS & as a previous poster said she is now 4 & so much easier! I think it has partly tied in with her starting school. I spent a lot of time questioning myself & her behaviour but a lot of that has resolved now. Hang on in there!

Lower your standards. It’s the only way when you’re going through a tricky phase. What will he eat? What does he enjoy doing? Anything that keeps him calm/contented?

It sounds like you are doing amazing.

In a way though you sound like you are taking over from your mother of having some hyper expectations on yourself of how things should be if that makes sense. You sound interested, attuned, willing to learn, all great things but you sound so hard on yourself. I think you need to go much much easier on yourself. I’m sure you are trying so hard unconsciously to do better than you had that you put way too much pressure on yourself. Drop the rope you are doing great.

Hiya I'd say you have max another year of this. They are so much easier once they get closer to 4. Also don't worry about sharing at this age. Kids that young don't get it so pick your fights. Also I know ots obvious but they are so much worse when tired and/or hungry. Just have lots of healthy snacks available to him (rice cakes were my saviour) esp if he isn't having main meals. It will pass I promise. I started enjoying DS from 4 onwards. Everything before that was 95% slog 5% cuteness and joy.

I actually think it's ok to look forward to a phase being over, some phases are just tougher than others. I think people who genuinely love it all are mad/lying/few and far between. If I were you I would try to let go of the idea that you should be enjoying this phase and you big might find that in itself makes life a bit easier.

It can be really tough but they do grow out of it. The hardest thing that I found was that my DS was very, very extrovert and I'm an introvert so too much time with just him and me would make me feel like my brain was exploding with constant interaction. He was also very high energy and I used to get very tired trying to tire him out (older mum).

I highly recommend a lot of physical activity. I used to try to do something social every morning, play group, playground or a class. I would get him to walk as much as possible, but also bring a pushchair or tricycle with handle in case I needed to contain him or he was sleepy. Anytime I was in a safe area, like a park, I would challenge him to see if he could run to a tree and back before I had walked to a nearby lamp post. We had a long corridor in our flat and I would set up an obstacle course for him, just using bits of string to mark out sections of corridor. He would have to hop one section, crawl another section, jump with both feet together etc, then try it again with one hand up in the air or balancing a ball on a flat hand or other things to make it more difficult. When coming home at nap time we used to walk up the stairs (five floors) rather than take the lift to burn off that last bit of energy. All the time that you're doing it tell him that he's doing great, or he's super fast, just loads of positive things to make him feel good about himself. You will have to tell him off sometimes, obviously, but try to surround it by lots of praise.

My older one was a lot easier from 3.5. My younger one - dear God, he is feral. He’s fully in the grip of the terrible twos and general defiance (age 2 years 9 months).

Today we have done toddler swimming (felt like wrestling an octopus as he will not cooperate and I now dread it, all the others swimming along nicely and he’s just throwing himself around), a quick trip into town, lunch, and then grandparents coming to pick them up. He is currently obsessed with screens and remotes, and loves climbing the furniture - not ideal as we’re in chaos due to building work.

I am just sitting here spent as I have nothing in the tank after wrangling him for seven hours straight! So it’s not you. It’s him (and them). Zoom your mum less frequently. According to my dad, my siblings and I were never like either of my kids.🙄

It’s relentless parenting a toddler. Some more than others. Child 1 was 4 times harder than child 3. Child 3 was the prefect child to be smug about….only I’m well aware it had nothing to do with my parenting.
He sounds a bit like child 1, I often had to carry him out under my arm. Don’t worry what people think. They will likely hit their own stumbling blocks soon enough. When you have a newborn you can still fantasise that you’ll be a perfect parent.

What I found helped was lots of exercise, in all weathers. Just get outside. I used to even do ‘night walks’ with a torch to wear him out.

I think it’s normal to count down the hours. You don’t get any breaks the way you would in work.

As he gets to socialise at nursery give yourself a break. If you go to soft play go as soon as it opens so it’s quiet. Don’t try and chat and watch him- it won’t be possible. Find quiet places.
My son also used to push so I had to watch him like a hawk- by 3 1/2 he was down as having advanced social skills so don’t imagine it will always be like this.

Meals- drop the rope. Don’t make this another battle. Again he will eat a wider range at nursery so I wouldn’t stress. Feed him what you have with a side of what he likes.

The phase ends!

Can't remember exactly when but my oldest was hitting and biting other kids at 2, and literally climbed the curtains from about age 2

He is now a very chilled Uni student

Somewhere along the way he chilled out

He actually has a very calm nature, what a child is like age 2 does not really say anything about what they will be like a few years hence

Just keep at the boundaries, smile at or ignore those who disapprove

3 is easier than 2, and ; is easier than 3

You are at the hardest stage right now

Lots of good advice re: toddlers in this thread.

I would add: don't forget to make some time for yourself to relax and be your own person. I know you want to make the most if weekends, but perhaps your dp could take ds out on Sat mornings to give you a break at home?

Thank you thank you thank you, for making me feel normal on this.

Whoever mentioned being an older mum - I'm 42 and so I guess I'm older. I live in London so there are majority of mums around my age though so it's not occurred to me, but my energy levels are definitely lower than they used to be. I put that down to exhaustion / running a low battery but age could also be a factor.

The light at the end of the tunnel is what I need! I hope it comes before university though

It's a really tough age. Keep telling yourself that it won't last forever. Now the teenage years, on the other hand.....🤣🤣🤣. Seriously, hang in there. Sounds like you're doing a great job.

Teenage years sound horrendous! But I hope you get a bit more sleep at night to give you the strength to manage with it better. My son has been having sleep regression at night and multiple coughs / colds and waking every 2 hrs.

I have a 2 1/2 year old son so can relate it is very tough. A few things that seem to work at the moment are giving him choice about anything I can (which socks he wants/which direction to walk in the woods etc.) morning outing come home for TV time to give both of us a break and some stories/songs etc. then go out again in afternoon. Distract distract when tantrumming with anything/everything and try not to engage in the ridiculousness of what he is complaining about. Podcasts on in background sometimes when at home with him helps me to be a bit more present than looking at my phone and he is less destructive as not competing for attention. Good luck x

I genuinely think the issue is that you're being too hard on yourself. You said you had a shit upbringing. Well that's clearly impacted your feelings of worth. You feel shame because you feel you aren't meeting standards that don't really exist. You aren't getting support so you feel alone. Your child is being a normal toddler. You are being a normal mother. It's normal to drink wine at the weekends. Stop making yourself feel guilty. It's normal to enjoy a break. Stop beating yourself up. Your child is normal for struggling with big feelings. Stop wishing them to be different. You sound like a competent and kind and loving mother. I'm sorry you weren't mothered in the same way. But it's time to let all the guilt go. You are doing enough. Enjoy the bits that are fun with a toddler and try to let go of the not doing good bits and accept them as normal. Make some mum friends by joining some classes together and just striking up conversation. Next time your kid has a meltdown at soft play catch the eye of the nearest toddler mother and say "honestly what are they like?!" And I can assure you the mother will relate instantly. We've all been there. Even if you catch a toddler on a good day. The next minute they may be screaming.

Mum to 2.5 year old so I feel your pain. I work FT & DC goes to nursery but I dread the morning & evening routines (battles) & we have to have activities sorted for the weekends as I struggle being alone with them & their tantrums.

I know it shall pass though & I love it when my DC is in a cuddle, lovable mood but they are Jekyll & Hyde at this age.

We're currently on tantrums if Baby Shark isn't on every time we're in the car or near the Alexa or TV. Drives me to wine haha.

@2doorsdown
I wanted to sympathise. Being parent when you have no model or good experience is excruciatingly difficult.
Parenting 2 yo is really hard at the very best of times. Your experience will be harder than others who have solid upbringings, good models and likely extended family support - those are possibly those you've seen apparently having a better time with more compliant children. Or those kids are exceptions or you've seen them in a good moment amongst many tantrums.

I'd be willing to place a bet that you are doing a much better job than you think. Two is a phase and then three and beyond. It's all moving. You will nail the tantrums then it will be the next thing!!

Yes teenage years are tough too but it's all relative and also related to how well you were parented. You WILL get there and it will be ok.

There will doubtless be the hard core massive who have been brought up but murderous pimps and have sailed though parenting however they are probably stretching the truth.

Good luck

Crikey isn't perspective a strange thing!
My dd is nearly 18 and I would LOVE just one more day of her age 2!
She's a lovely girl but I miss her early years, I loved it so much.
She did have her melt downs, but tbh I would just laugh at her, I certainly didn't give a shit about people looking at her askance, we were all there once!
Btw I'm now a childminder and age 2 is my favourite age to look after...although my do appreciate the kids behave better for me than their parents.
Stick with it, you'll look back with fond memories of this time, I promise xxxx

I also have a two year old and heard someone making snarky comments to her friend on the bus today when my toddler escaped my grip and ran away. It was the first day of my period which always makes me feel utterly wiped and I was having a really tough day in toddlerhood anyway…

So I called them interfering old cows! Could hardly believe I’d said it and I can’t be certain they heard but it did make me feel heaps better! So I’d recommend that!!

Public tantrums are the worst. I sometimes ‘distract’ my toddler with a lollipop if they’re being really difficult and keep a stash in the pushchair. I’m a big believer in lowered standards but actually don’t allow much screen time anymore as I realised my toddler was calmer without it and less inclined to tantrum. Nothing beats bunging on Ceebeebies for some downtime though so if it doesn’t affect your child’s behaviour, stick it on to give you both a break.

I also have a two and a half year old and he's pretty lovely. Generally well behaved, explains what he wants, and only really whines when he's over tired. Obviously the occasional moment but none of what you've described at all. I'd love to take the credit but his brother was a total terror at that age. I remember seeing small children do things like sit nicely and colour and wondering how I got one of those. Turns out the answer was have a different child...

How are you getting on now OP? I have a 2.5 year old and just googled 'when does it get easier?'

He's got so much energy, little hands everywhere and in everything, he can't play by himself so always needs one of us.

I'll be looking forward to the next stages...