Messed up our lives

[Whattaforkup]

Don't know where to post this so hope it's ok here.

DC3 is 2 and I feel so old (43) and so trapped and there's so long to go until it gets any better.

I stayed at home for a while and hated it, so went back to work.
The toddler is tired from nursery but still doesn't sleep at night.... No one has any patience and the older two (7&9) fight and fight. I hate hanging out as a family, it's such a juggle and so draining to be mediator all the time.

honestly it's awful awful to say this but I wish I hadn't had DC3. Its all too much. If they weren't here maybe we'd be be better able to pay more attention to the first two, they might not fight so much and I could follow my career without it draining everyone else and without me feeling so guilty and trapped.

i thought it would only be the baby years that would be hard but I now see it will always feel like this... It will never be easy. I'll always have one DC following five years behind where I wish I was, and the older two will hate each other as adults because we can't manage their relationship now and the youngest will have ancient parents. It was such a selfish decision to have them.

now I will add that I absolutely love DC3. They are wonderful. And I care for and nurture them and all the rest and we all love them .... I just feel all the above too and I thought these feelings would go away but they haven't.

I think at 2 years old you are still in the thick of it. Mine didn’t sleep properly until 4, and from 5 it’s amazing. I’m sure it will get better as the youngest gets older OP! Why does the youngest stop you managing the older 2s relationship though? Can you do still just with the older 2 while the dad has the younger one?

That's a tough situation, and tbh it would be easy to comfort you but honestly you are just going to have to grit your teeth and wait for time to pass. Your DC3 will get a lot easier in a few years, and probably be a delight. But you know age 2 to about 4 is tough.

The older ones, if they genuinely don't get along, just need to learn to avoid each other. Do they share a room? If not then when they fight tell them each to go their rooms and stay there until they can be civil with each other. And take away a privilege if the argument has been especially vicious.

Once they are teens they will have their own lives and hate you instead of each other, and that will be so much better.

Those ages are really hard, it feels like you’re being pulled from pillar to post. I’ve been there but I can reassure you it gets so much better, just hang on in there. I’m really enjoying my kids now though at those ages I was barely functioning - I also had an extended non-sleeper.

The sleeping thing will sort itself out and probably quite soon - when it does everything will feel a lot easier

My older brother and I are close in age and fought like cat and dog. My younger brother came along when I was 8 and older brother 11. I'm sure my mum felt pulled in every direction in those first few years but once we'd got past the fighting years, all three of us became incredibly close and still are to this day. We didn't grow to hate each other as adults, but the exact opposite. It will get easier

You're spiralling, don't extrapolate from finding it hard to juggle life with a 2yo to terrible futures for everyone. It's tough now and WILL get better.

What can you do to change things/make things a little easier NOW?

It will get better, you know it will.

You sound stuck and a but depressed. Given where you are and no magic wand, what could help?

What's DH /DP part in all of this? Can you take turns with the little one so the other can have time with the older two?

The 2-year-old still doesn't sleep at night? What kind of routine are they in? How much sleep are you getting? Lack of sleep can affect you tremendously.

It will pass. This is just a tough time.

I had a similar gap with 3 boys, and in the end had DS1 & DS3 sharing a room as they got on much better than either of them did with DS2. They all get on now.
Do what you need to in order to have enough sleep, it will all feel better when you are not so tired. When DS3 was a toddler, he was co-sleeping with me a lot of the time as I'd had my fill of getting up in the middle of the night.
It is worthwhile using the last of your energy to encourage the older ones to behave civilly to each other - let them know they don't need to be best mates but they do need to behave properly. Are they equally to blame for the squabbling? Stop mediating and tell them if they are misbehaving or mean they must be tired , and need an early night. See if you can arrange a bit of 1:1 time with each of the older ones, while the other one plays with the toddler or reads to them.
Is their father around to help, so that you can take out the older ones by themselves occasionally?
The expectation has to be that the older ones will co-operate and not squabble, and fighting has to result in time out/early bed. If you start trying to sort it out every time, they will never solve this themselves. If there is not actual bullying going on, then they should be able to work out their problems, if they have the tools and the language to do this.
Schools do a lot of work on empathy, and many are well set up to support on this - it might be wroth having a chat with their teacher/SENDCO and ask if there are any strategies they can recommend.

Just keep repeating to yourself

It is SLEEP DEPRIVATION!!

It makes everything feel hopeless awful and impossible to cope with.

Then the little one gets a bit older, suddenly sleeps fine and life gets a little magic again.

My 2 year old was such hard work but since they turned 3 things have gotten so much easier. Hang in there, you're in the hardest bit, it will get better soon.

My brother and I were 18 months apart and fought like cat and dog until I left home. My mum had a surprise baby who was 7.5 years younger than me and 6 years younger than my brother. We adored her. My mum was definitely stressed and unhappy a lot when we were growing up. Lost her temper with my brother and I lots and clearly struggled even when it was just my sister left at home as she just wanted to be past parenting and move on. It wasn't much fun for all of us feeling the brunt of it at times. However the 3 of us are very close as adults and mum now loves to have us all (at a safe distance, she moved to France, lol). I wouldn't be without my siblings.

Can you delegate responsibility of certain house / family tasks to the older 2?

Keeps them busy and teaches them to look out for each other.

My grandad was a child pre ww2. He often spoke of the pride he felt knowing that Sunday evening it was his job to polish the boots and shoes of all his older siblings.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I am reading and re-reading these messages and really appreciate them all. There are some helpful perspectives and tips here. I would like to reply to each message but not sure I have the time right now, but please know I am grateful to all of you. I was expecting to get flamed tbh as it feels so wrong to regret a child.