Colleague/friend with health anxiety wwyd

[TrainspottingWelsh]

I need advice on how to cope with them. We’re only colleagues in the sense we have the same employer, we met by coincidence and became friendly but under normal circumstances our paths wouldn’t cross professionally.
I’m at the end of my tether with every interaction being dominated by endless discussion of their current concerns, none stop time wasting use of services and attention seeking/ selfishness.
However I also know they are a lovely, thoughtful and genuine person and it’s a mental illness that they are waiting for help for and the selfishness is simply a symptom.
I’ve tried sympathising, changing the conversation, avoiding the topic etc and nothing seems to work. Mentioning real problems just gives her another avenue to explore. Other people have tried being blunt and it’s counterproductive.
I probably could just gradually withdraw but mh problems aside I really value her friendship, and know doing so would destroy what’s left of her mh. Until recently she’s always done well at work, but I’m aware her colleagues and manager are also similarly fed up of her endless health talk and sooner or later it’s going to cause problems.
I probably sound like a heartless cunt but for various perfectly valid reasons I don’t have the headspace to deal with someone else’s shit, but care too much just to walk away if there is any other option.

Hopefully her manager is supporting her, stopping her colleagues gossiping about her, asking if she wants referring to occuparional health for their support. if you cannot deal with her behaviour then you have to withdraw and just meet up occasionally for very short periods.

Everytime she mentions it just steer the conversation another way, basically ignore her remarks and don’t validate them with a response

@HappyHamsters Yes, occupational health are involved and even taking my friend/ colleagues interpretation at face value they are mainly all being supportive. Her manager has gone above and beyond. The problem is more that she doesn’t feel they are responding sympathetically enough to her symptoms, similar to the boy that cried wolf.

@PinkFrogss I’ve tried, she just raises it again in a manner that can’t be ignored short of telling her I’m not interested. I’m not bothered about confrontation or even being rude, but I genuinely do like her and would rather avoid hurting her.

I want a solution that probably doesn’t exist.

What is it that you like about them/her so much, if she’s always banging on about herself (via the vehicle of her health woes)?

I know you said she was lovely, thoughtful and genuine. When do you get to see this?

@OwwwMuuuum she doesn’t solely talk about her health woes, she has good days and bad days. But even on her good days she has to bring up a symptom or two. If I’m honest I could cope with her bad days if they were based in reality or only occasional.

A typical example: she did an almost 2 hr round trip to drop off some homemade food to heat up when she knew I’d spent the night up with an ill horse and we can’t really get much delivered. She’s hilarious, great company and health aside we have a lot in common.
By contrast when she was in the middle of her terminal illness phase and I brought up the loved ones I’ve witnessed going through cancer first hand as a dose of reality she added a selection of their symptoms to her next a&e trip and sent a barrage of texts updating me.

That sounds really difficult.

I have a friend, who is lovely, but every conversation is dominated by his health issues and his various appointments. If he does not have a recent one to talk about, he will bring up ones from years ago.
I try to stir the conversation, and ask about other things. Ask if they have any Netflix recommendations, or holiday planned.

Failing that, a blunt apology and saying you are not a doctor might get the point across.

@XenoBitch the not a dr line is definitely worth a try when it’s just symptoms.Thanks.
I’m the type of person that is genuinely never ill, and even with injuries I have a high pain threshold and tend to ignore them when remotely possible so it wouldn’t be unbelievable to suggest I’m the worst person to talk to. Avoiding it completely is like leaving the washing up after dinner, you just end up dealing with it later.
At least in her more balanced moments it might get her off the symptoms. Which would just leave the sympathy seeking.
I think what I find most puzzling is that she’s never off ill, chooses to make up the hours for regular ‘emergency’ appointments and has plenty of outside interests and friends to occupy herself but seemingly chooses to spend her free time on researching and seeking treatment for whatever her current illness is.

Can't you just nod along and let her talk? The same way you would if someone was talking about something that doesn't especially interest you personally? Since she clearly does also talk about other stuff too.

I'm not surprised trying to "shock" her out of it was counterproductive. I can't imagine anyone worried about their health - whether "rational" or not - would be comforted by hearing something terrifying. It's not a helpful response.

Health anxiety tends to be triggered by past trauma by the way.

For instance, someone witnesses a loved one die suddenly and then is left with a lingering sense of terror that the same might happen to them. Their brain stays on high alert scanning for any possible warning sign as a way to try and protect them.

Characterising it as a choice is inaccurate and unfair.

Could you tell her you have developed a health anxiety and can no longer discuss medical matters.with anyone, as you find it triggering.

A bit of a sneaky swerve, and I don't mean it in a piss-taking way, but it might be the only thing to stop her talking to you endlessly about her health - which tbh can't be doing her much good.

@tickticksnooze when it’s suspected d&v or similar then yes, to some small extent I can. But I have limited patience for it, and to be frank I don’t see it as my responsibility to be her therapist, and at the first sign I’m in that role I’ll be out of there and I’d rather avoid that because I genuinely like her. Like I said I have my own shit to deal with.

No, possibly not helpful. But I’m human. I’ve watched loved ones go through it, including fil having a very recent, luckily false alarm that his was back, and lost someone that didn’t get a chance because of covid. I’ve spent a lot of time discussing cancer with people with it and while I know she has a mental illness cancer is not a subject I can calmly listen to someone discuss when they don’t have it.
When you’ve spent a long time on wards and watched a porter wheel an elderly frail fall victim onto the corridor in a&e because your friend on chemo needs the side room more while they wait for a bed, it’s very difficult to listen to someone ranting about sitting on a hard chair for hours and the entire a&e department are all cunts.
Times like that are what concern me most, I’ve got a temper and sooner or later I will reach the end of my tether and blow if I can’t get her to back off with it.

@Fromage unlikely, it’s a standing joke that I’m completely the opposite and have left fractures for days before now on the basis it might just be a sprain so she wouldn’t believe it.