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Original poster

Working away DH/DW can marriages/relationship work?

21 replies

Ithurtbad · 22/10/2022 07:40

My DP has been away working and this is not the first time. So even though I didn't like it at first I got use to it. He did have a job where he was away most of the week home weekend really didn't like it. Then it's been odd weekend or even days away didn't mind so much. I realized both my son and I enjoyed the time we had when he was away. I won't lie I kind of enjoyed it too.
I did miss him but the certain things was glad he wasn't there. Usual TV to myself, bed to myself and could cook or not even cook and just eat whatever I felt like.

I didn't think this would be a long time thing as I feel we would drift apart. I thought it was temporarily. He told me yesterday that he wants a job where he would be working away and since then just feel well I know how this going to end. My reaction was if this long term you have to move out and said no to it.
I suppose because I am pregnant too.I don't want my baby to miss out seeing his dad etc. I been awake but was just crying thinking well that's us over then. For me it's the communication he goes away and I don't contact him he does but we seem not the same. I feel single with a part time DP.

I should say it's not that I can't get my own social life well now can't do much being pregnant but I can. I did this when I was single. For me it's that he should give me money I be fine that certainly helps. I think it's lack of quality time as a couple and just losing that love and maybe being more like friends. Tbh if I did the same it be like I was single. It's all the support with him being physically there. I said I don't care what he does an all day job or night but not this. I just would love him coming home to me each night but now realize wouldn't want him to resent him for not doing a job he wants.

So my question is can it work the working away DH/DW long term? What is everyone opinions? Does anyone feel communication should make this work?
How should I approach this?
How to find the balance here?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ithurtbad · 22/10/2022 07:45

The bit I said about not contact him sorry did explain that right. I use to contact him all the time but now I backed off because he would said he busy or in evening he seem like he didn't want to talk to me..so I leave contact up to him if he wants to or not. I obviously want to talk to him about stuff but try wait until evening. I think he just checks in sees we are fine and it's bye have a goodnight it's like something he has to do.

OP posts:

AgentProvocateur · 22/10/2022 07:47

In my experience, no. Everyone I know who’s done it has had a relationship breakdown eventually. Sorry - I know that’s not what you want to hear.

Mummummummumyyyyy · 22/10/2022 07:49

We did it quite successfully for 3 years in the middle of our (to date) 17 year marriage. It helped that we both knew it wasn’t going to be forever and it would benefit us drastically financially. You need lots of trust and to be fairly independent/enjoy your own company imo.

RandomMess · 22/10/2022 07:50

He doesn't sound invested enough in your relationship tbh. The lack of contact and communication.

You being left to raise 2 young DC whilst he does as he pleases checking in for a 5 minute catch up?

KangarooKenny · 22/10/2022 07:51

For me it created massive resentment. So I’d say no.

AntlerRose · 22/10/2022 07:54

The bit where they work away is ok for a few years but if they are never coming back, whats the point. And if they do come back it is one hell of ajustment which can cause issues for some.

DontGoBreakingMyHeart · 22/10/2022 07:54

It obviously can work as most couples in the military are separated for long periods of time and afaik they don’t all end up divorced for that reason.

However, the fact your DH doesn’t want contact when he’s away and has now essentially said he no longer wants to live with you I’d say he’s essentially asking for a separation under the guise of “I want to work away from home.”

The relationship is already over in this instance IMO.

Doingmybest12 · 22/10/2022 07:59

It isn't what I signed up for and I wouldn't want to live like this. I would think it needs to be joint decision that the finances are worth the lifestyle. Maybe he already had a job where working away is integral to this? I would be saddest that he didn't want to be with the children more and I don't think I could live with someone who felt this way . It doesn't feel like a happy home for you anyway? Whether your relationship lasts might depend on how much you are willing to put up with.

Buteverythingsfine · 22/10/2022 08:03

I have done it in the past quite successfully, but we were very motivated to stay in touch chatted a lot, and my husband didn't actually enjoy working away that much.

OperaStation · 22/10/2022 08:03

He’s said he wants to find a job that means he will always be working away. He’s effectively just told you he prefers not to live with you and your child. I would say that’s a pretty clear admission that he doesn’t want to be with you any more.

This has nothing to do with whether or not relationships can survive distance.

backinthebox · 22/10/2022 08:03

25 years of working away here, DH has don’t stints away of up to 2 years and I have a job in aviation. We are still happily married.

I would say though that there are a lot of factors at play. When DH worked away it was because his employer had placed him on a temporary job that would see him return home once the job was completed. When I work away, it’s because travel is an integral part of the job. If your DH has decided to work in another location permanently why are you not all moving there? If it’s a temporary thing, then you will live with it, knowing there’s an end. I don’t think I would be happy with a permanent move away. I would have found it very hard to have him working away while our children were small, and to his credit he has managed to find work within a closer radius for much of their childhoods, only working further afield once they’ve become teenagers.

Wrt the communication, we had a set time when kids were little. Whoever was away (usually but not always me) would call on Skype at 6pm. This was family talk time. Only if we were busy working did this not happen, and then it would be rescheduled to a suitable other time.

Frazzled2207 · 22/10/2022 08:08

OperaStation · 22/10/2022 08:03

This has nothing to do with whether or not relationships can survive distance.

This.
its no way to live. He basically doesn’t want to be with you anymore!

Dragonfly97 · 22/10/2022 08:46

It works for us; DH works away Mon -Fri and we have weekends together, but I enjoy time on my own during the week, I wfh and I'm used to that, love having the place to myself, just me & Ddog. Dh has worked away for 10 years now and it benefits us financially, we appreciate each other more when he's home. So it can work, but you both need to agree to it and enjoy your own company!

BlueThursday · 22/10/2022 09:02

We’ve done it for 10 years and it works for us.

DH is 4 weeks away, 4 weeks home and we make the most of the time at home. The blocks of time at home actually mean we have more time together than when he did a 6 day a week, 12 hours a day job at home.

I think working constantly away without any time at home would be very hard though so I can totally understand your view here

junebirthdaygirl · 22/10/2022 09:04

So he is going to leave you take care of a new baby on your own with other dc to mind. Doesn't sound like he has any interest in his family. Its different if someone has a career that involves being away like the military but he is obviously making a choice. Its very hard to take.

Original poster

Ithurtbad · 22/10/2022 09:09

I do think he gets bored being at home. I do have health issues and I had laparoscopy to get pregnant and for him to say he wants this job where he works away feels rubbish. Especially now I am working until maternity leave and doubt I be able to go back after. When my eldest was little and I use to take him play groups did all that while his dad was working. So it's not like I haven't done this before. It was a bit difficult then and he wasn't working away.

I believe in communication and don't want to seem like I am disturbing. It's like we would talk but like it's I need to shower and eat. No this why I just let him contact me. I totally detach from him.

Some of you are spot on he don't seem to want to be around me. I think if he went away said I missed you and seemed like interested in conversation.

It's definitely the quality time together we always needed. When he went away during the week doing some job. I said we need to go out together at weekend for a meal. We did that and it just feels like we dating not living together.

I really don't know what to say to him at the moment. I am having mixed feelings but knew this would happen.

The more we apart the more I do feel it will end us.

The only thing that's keeping me going is having this new baby and my eldest. I don't even feel anything it is what it is.

OP posts:

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 22/10/2022 09:12

I don't think there's a universal answer, there are too many factors to generalise

I know someone we has lived quite happily like this all the time I've known her (over 20 years) and someone else who split up with her partner because it didnt work for her

Horses for Courses, in your case it sounds like your DH has checked out of the relationship so it probably doesn't have a long term future.

LearnerCook · 22/10/2022 09:20

Army wife here. Plenty of us can and do make it work when our husband's are away for 6 months at a time.

outtheshowernow · 22/10/2022 09:39

You marriage was already over from what you said. Why did you get pregnant ?

RandomMess · 22/10/2022 10:00

I think you need to be very up front and say with a newborn baby and a toddler now is not the time for him to be working away as he is needed mornings/evenings/weekends to share the parenting load and building a relationship with HIS children.

Sounds like he doesn't want to be a Dad when you start thinking it through. He'd rather be single.

Original poster

Ithurtbad · 22/10/2022 11:01

RandomMess · 22/10/2022 10:00

Sounds like he doesn't want to be a Dad when you start thinking it through. He'd rather be single.

@RandomMess

He did want a baby that's the thing I wasn't keen but realized at the age I am would I regret this later if I didn't. So glad for myself to be having another really happy.

I will have to chat with him about this because there needs to be some sort of compromise..
I won't be putting up with this much longer.

OP posts:

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