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Want to be happier for my children

23 replies

ELL2478 · 21/10/2022 11:57

Sorry for long post! Just a bit of a vent really. I absolutely feel at rock bottom and my mental health isnt great.
Dont want to drip feed so basically js saying how i feel.
I feel so sad and lonely and feel like its impacting on me enjoying my children who are 1 and 3. I really struggle with being a parent and never feel i do a good enough job. My H works full time but has been doing extra shifts each week cs we have things to pay off. He also does voluntary call out work on his days off wheh he can. Sometimes he can be out for hours.

I have had some issues in my marriage which i have posted about previously. I recently opened up to a best friend of many years about them. She was the first person in IRL i have spoken to about it. She basically said she understood why I was upset and that i should talk again with H and try to resolve the issues and hopes we can work it out. We were brought up in the same religious group and i have become inactive in my adult life. She is concerned about this and said she worries about my children not growing up with a relationship with God as they are at the perfect age to start. She said she loves them as well. This really upset me and was not what i needed to hear altho she had good intentions.

I just feel so alone and i love my kids so much but struggle to enjoy them without the feelings of guilt and sadness. My 3 year old DD also frequently says she loves daddy more and doesnt like me anymore (i know its silly for me to get upset about it). Iv js started working 22.5 hours a week and tbh im js exhausted but awful as it sounds i often dont wana go back home and just sit in a toilet crying. I am on citalopram 20mg so dont know whether to increase but it makes me very tired already. Just needed to write this down really and wonder if anyone else has felt like this and what helped them.

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ELL2478 · 21/10/2022 14:13

Has anyone ever felt similar?

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motleymop · 21/10/2022 14:17

Oh you poor thing. I hope someone wise comes along and says constructive things soon.

ELL2478 · 21/10/2022 14:59

@motleymop thank you for your reply x

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Finerthings · 21/10/2022 15:08

How long have you been on the citalopram?

ELL2478 · 21/10/2022 15:11

Just over a year i think

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SusiePevensie · 21/10/2022 15:14

It is very very hard to have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Unmumsnetty hugs.

OnBoardTheHeartOfGold · 21/10/2022 16:19

Are you putting too much pressure on yourself?
Children that age just needs lots of cuddles and affection. As long as you're meeting their basic needs, cuddle them, kiss them, let them snuggle on the sofa or bed with you, lie down on the floor and let them climb all over you.
Watch tv with them, take them out for fresh air sometimes and smile at them.
"Fake it til you make it"

Are you having counselling? It could help.

ELL2478 · 21/10/2022 16:34

I do cuddle them. Im a really cuddly mum. Im also still bf my nearly 2 year old so he gets lots of cuddles. Perhaps I am putting too much pressure on myself.

I went thru IAPT about 2 years ago and had CBT which helped with anxiety, but i dont find it to be helpful with my depression. Maybe I should pay for private counselling.

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Finerthings · 21/10/2022 17:05

I think it's worth going back to your GP and talk about changing your meds. I know it's not always the answer but what you're describing about not being able to find joy in the children makes me think it's worth at least discussing.

Also worth a chat with your husband to see how you could tweak things so you feel better supported. If he could do some extra bedtimes or housework, or give you a few hours to yourself at the weekends or something, it could help.

If it weren't for the BF I would suggest you get a night away in a hotel by yourself. It's a really hard age but it sounds like there may be more to it than that.

ELL2478 · 21/10/2022 19:11

Maybe i should change my meds. It depends on what they will give me while im breastfeeding.

H does help when he is here to be fair. It just feels like he isnt here a lot but i know he works hard and its admirable that he gives his time up to volunteer. Hes not one for talking really about feelings.

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cestlavielife · 21/10/2022 19:14

Uess the religious group can offer practical support of a community i fail to see how god comes into it
Talk to your gp and your dh

ELL2478 · 21/10/2022 19:22

I dont believe in the religion or respect it at all anymore. I think my friend was concerned about this and meant that I was denying my children the chance to love God.

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ELL2478 · 21/10/2022 21:11

Its really not something I can talk to my husband about. He cant drop his hours because he says we need the money, altho I dont know what our finances are like. He would be very annoyed if I told him to give up his voluntary work. Plus its his life and its not up to me what he does. I guess it is part of being mum to 2 young children as previous posters have said. Im bound to feel lonely. I need to try and put my big girl boots on and carry on despite how i feel. Thanks for the replies.

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BCBird · 21/10/2022 21:19

What do you need yo feel.guilty about? Children at that age want attention little else. I would say you should want to be happy for you fundamentally. Is there any way you can have some cheap family stuff and couple stuff activities? I think.you should try and find an activity you like fojng. This can be your time away from.home. Take care and be kind to yourself

sjxoxo · 21/10/2022 21:23

Sorry to hear your struggling OP. Forget the God bit in all of this - agree you need to speak to your husband and GP. Your children don’t need ‘God’ to enjoy their childhood - much better for them to have their Mum happy! You do need to understand what your family finances are though… if your husband denies you acres to that information it’s financial abuse. You are legally a partnership and therefore you are also responsible for the finances. No one can take that away from you so if your husband will not share information with you, please contact Womens Aid as that’s abusive behaviour. Thats not normal or acceptable.

A year seems a long time to me so if you have doubts about your medication I do think you should see the GP again, there might be an alternative you can try. Do you do anything for yourself? I also have a baby and I literally struggle so much to find any time for myself! Even just to have a wash 😂 sitting here with horrible greasy hair as I just cannot manage the smallest of things for myself! I think it’s so important to just put ourselves first sometimes. Can you get away for a day or a night just yourself to a spa or similar? Don’t underestimate how hard having two young kids is!! If you are working at all and looking after two young children, you are doing a sterling job. Don’t be hard on yourself Xxxxxx

ELL2478 · 21/10/2022 21:33

sjxoxo · 21/10/2022 21:23

Sorry to hear your struggling OP. Forget the God bit in all of this - agree you need to speak to your husband and GP. Your children don’t need ‘God’ to enjoy their childhood - much better for them to have their Mum happy! You do need to understand what your family finances are though… if your husband denies you acres to that information it’s financial abuse. You are legally a partnership and therefore you are also responsible for the finances. No one can take that away from you so if your husband will not share information with you, please contact Womens Aid as that’s abusive behaviour. Thats not normal or acceptable.

A year seems a long time to me so if you have doubts about your medication I do think you should see the GP again, there might be an alternative you can try. Do you do anything for yourself? I also have a baby and I literally struggle so much to find any time for myself! Even just to have a wash 😂 sitting here with horrible greasy hair as I just cannot manage the smallest of things for myself! I think it’s so important to just put ourselves first sometimes. Can you get away for a day or a night just yourself to a spa or similar? Don’t underestimate how hard having two young kids is!! If you are working at all and looking after two young children, you are doing a sterling job. Don’t be hard on yourself Xxxxxx

Thanks for your message. My husband pays all the bills etc and i give him a bit of my earnings towards it. We dont have a joint bank account so I have no idea how much he earns or what our expenses are. I havnt ever since we got married. It is frustrating for me. Regarding womens aid i have spoken to another charity regarding an issue that i have posted about previously.

I sometimes do get time to myself and I do miss my kids. But i just have a sadness all the time and don't want to go home. Xxx

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ELL2478 · 21/10/2022 21:37

I agree that they dont need 'god'. I am just devestated my friend thinks like that as I thought she was the one person I could talk too.

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bravelittletiger · 21/10/2022 21:58

I think you need to get a GP appointment as soon as possible. It sounds like you are quite depressed. Having small
Children is hard but what you are describing goes above and beyond that.

sjxoxo · 22/10/2022 09:10

@ELL2478 The financial situation concerns me to be honest - I don’t think it’s fair or acceptable that you are kept in the dark. Your finances are shared and you should know the full scope of them and how your monthly budget looks for both of you. What would your DH say if you asked for a joint account and bills paid from there, and full transparency? I worry that you are open to financial abuse in your it current set up. Does he have credit in your names? Would you know if he did. What’s the trust like in your marriage? I would think that this lack of control/partnership would contribute to making you feel crappy aswell Xox

ELL2478 · 22/10/2022 10:14

sjxoxo · 22/10/2022 09:10

@ELL2478 The financial situation concerns me to be honest - I don’t think it’s fair or acceptable that you are kept in the dark. Your finances are shared and you should know the full scope of them and how your monthly budget looks for both of you. What would your DH say if you asked for a joint account and bills paid from there, and full transparency? I worry that you are open to financial abuse in your it current set up. Does he have credit in your names? Would you know if he did. What’s the trust like in your marriage? I would think that this lack of control/partnership would contribute to making you feel crappy aswell Xox

I dont think he would be happy with a joint account at all or we would have one by now. We have been married for 4 years but he had a lot more money and savings than i as i had been renting since aged 21 and was 24/25 when we met and he was 41 so had already had a chance to be financialy stable if that makes sense. I dont know what you mean by credit in my children's names sorry? It can feel sometimes to be a bit of an inbalanced relationship which I have posted about previously.

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ELL2478 · 22/10/2022 15:51

I took the kids to the park today and they enjoyed it plus weather is lovely. Im trying to be more positive altho its hard. I will ring docs on monday to discuss if I would benefit from a change in medication.

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Finerthings · 24/10/2022 11:04

Well done OP.

Do you have a structure to the days you're not at work? I used to have somewhere to go every day to get a bit of adult company even if it was interspersed with nursery rhymes - story time at the library, playgroup, signing class etc.

But, IMO GP is the right move.

ELL2478 · 25/10/2022 15:41

@Finerthings thanks for your comment. Yes i try to keep a routine if i can. Now i am working a bit more i have some money for myself and my kids for days out etc. Whereas before i didnt have any of my own. X

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