How to help DD10 with self esteem and confidence? She hates herself :-(

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My daughter 10 has SEN and is currently in a school which have admitted they are struggling to meet her needs. For a number of reasons, her self esteem is on the floor. She's currently only doing half days so I pick her up after lunch.

We should have time to relax, and I'd like to do a self esteem building activity in the afternoon before her sibling comes home.

Does anyone know of any good self esteem activities? I can buy things for it. She's got a reading level of age 7 as she suffers with severe Dyslexia so books need to be a big easier to read.

The best self esteem activities are likely to be ones that build on what she's naturally good at and likes doing. What are her strengths, what sort of things does she enjoy now?

What are her strengths and interests ? Can you build on those.

I agree with PP - try different activities. Dyslexic children tend to be more creative or use there hands or even more sociable strengths.

Why not do an assault coarse, or swim? Maybe an art class or pottery making - anything to build your relationship and help her find her likes or dislikes.

not everyone is academic.

If she finds reading a chore try audio books - there are some series that are more age related but I can’t think of his name

You need to find her something she is good at away from academics and reading. Don't make it another lesson after a draining day at school and preferably with other people if possible to have a peer group separate to school.

I've worked with dyslexic children who can barely read but are amazing pianists, dancers, those who are brilliant with mechanics and meccano, those who are talented artists and brilliant at baking.

My own DD does not have any additional needs but was very self conscious because of her height (5ft 8 by the end of Primary) , girls rugby has been an absolute revelation and she takes pride in her height and athleticism now. The team sport aspect has done the world of good bringing on her communication skills and building her confidence as previously she would shy away and avoid bringing attention to herself.

Her strengths are designing, she loves fashion, she's got a fantastic imagination and is very arty. She's not very sporty and her gross motor skills aren't great.

At the moment she just wants to stay at home as much as possible, getting her out is a real challenge.

She loves singing but says she's rubbish and can't sing.

I'd agree about trying different things. My middle child has struggled a bit with self esteem and I've worked hard to find extra curricular stuff he will enjoy. We've found a very gentle theatre group which is very supportive. The other children are really nice. Also curling which is quite a social sport as you hang around to wait your turn.

Try the home schoolers for a choir, or art classes even thereby art classes like drawing and talking - join her in these activities, ask her to show you how to do things so she builds her own confidence by teaching you.
Why not go to a mother daughter yoga class as fitness rather than competitive sport?

Try and get her interested in horse riding , riding is great for children ( and adults ) with low self esteem , horses make the absolute best listeners .

Both my DSes have SN and low confidence.

Tennis and judo worked wonders for one of them. Gymnastics for the other. Neither wants to compete but they enjoy spending hours doing it every week.

For my eldest, meeting his friend with SN also really helped. It was just shortly after he'd been diagnosed and he was so unhappy and hated himself. It helped to know he wasn't alone and the other boy's mum and I encouraged their friendship and let them have sleepovers together. DS told me that it was always after the families had gone to sleep that they shared their secret worries and unhappiness and they felt much better after. They also supported each other in class. We've moved overseas now but they still chat weekly.

Final idea - see if you can find youtubers who are dyslexic and fun and dynamic? I found one who was good on ADHD and it helped in the short term for DS to have someone who really understood him but who also made cool videos.

Self compassion is a great tool to learn. I'd you get a worlbook aimed at adults you could learn it and then model it to your dad and simplyfy some of the activities

Hand the reins over to her, concentrate on listening to her. Organised activities aren't always best and the unschooling approach can foster self esteem. Don't over-schedule her. Long term she is not going to derive robust self esteem by jumping through someone else's hoops.

I had DC out of school part time. We've worked on independence - things like going into shops, using bank cards, cycling by themselves, ordering pizza, travelling by bus. Something like Art or cooking might work, but beware of trying to recreate school and maybe do it once a week only. Pick something you can do alongside her that ideally she'll be better at than you. Model being happy with your less than perfect efforts.

Sometimes teens will talk more if you take them out, either when driving out somewhere or at a cafe. Find a particular cafe you both like and make it your special thing. But, maybe she wants to hunker down at home because that's all her brain can cope with. If so, she will be best served by you really listening to her telling you. This is a process.

Have you tried the dyslexic font setting on kindle? Barrington stoke also do books with a younger reading age but age appropriate topics.

agree with the others, instead of "doing something to build her self esteem" you should aim to encourage what she's good at.

Could you look into singing lessons?

theres a book on a mighty girl about confidence for girls.

Put a stop to her saying she's rubbish. Ask her if she'd tell anyone else in her class that. A friend? Someone she dislikes? So why does she say it about herself? She's not rubbish, she's noticed she needs/wants more practice (else she wouldn't care and say she was rubbish) so you will help her with that.

Sounds exactly like my dd10, she is in school but we are an hour late every day because she hates the way she looks and does her hair about 20 times until it looks perfect. She hates the way she looks It's heartbreaking.

Some age-appropriate CBT work might help. There's a work book called
No More Stinking Thinking - link to a cheap copy here which is designed for children. I did it wiht my SEN DS. He was pretty resistant to it (very resistant. But the ideas took root and I've noticed now he;s older that he uses them to feel better.

Discuss the idea with her of being your own best friend.You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life . There's no choice on that. But you have a choice to be your own worst enemy or your own best friend. Discuss with her hwo she would treat a best friend. what sort of things might she say to her? How would she want a friend to treat her? Encourage her to practise treating herself that way.

Some things she could do:

• If she is sad, comfort herself by cuddling a teddy bear or a pet, looking at a favourite picture book, playing some happy music, watching a funny video.
• If she is angry she could go for a walk in nature to distract herself. She could play an online game to soothe herself.
• If she is angry with herself (eg if a craft project goes wrong) she can practise what a kind best friend might say: 'Never mind. You can try again. You've learned that way doesn't work so now you know more than you did before. Everyone makes mistakes. That's how we learn. And the red bit looks pretty.' etc

Chat to her that there are loads of types of people in the world and although school might care (too much ?) about being good at sport, actually, the world needs lots of people not just ones who can catch and kick a ball. Focus on her strengths and prioritise things she enjoys doing. Instead of praise (that carries inherent judgement) comment that she seemed to enjoy something or seemed to be absorbed in doing something and make these the goal.

Explain the importance of getting fit and caring for her physical health and that it doesn't have to be difficult sport. She can walk, swim, maybe try yoga or very light weight training in her afternoons off. Getting fit and strong will massively improve her confidence.

Op what have the school/you done to tackle the reading?

Has it just been phonics?

I get it OP my two are both ND including dyslexia and I know the low confidence thing. Just being honest, the first thing that made a difference was changing schools to one that genuinely cared and could support them. The first meeting with the senco and class teacher that they had basically began with the teachers telling them they were intelligent and wonderful and the world needed people who think differently. Just that made a huge difference. I know logistically that's a hard thing to do. We were actually considering home school before that.

Also what about lots of videos and stories about amazing dyslexics who had a really hard time at school then went on to be phenomenal (because of not in spite of their dyslexia) like Steven Spielberg or one of the first men on the moon or in space (sorry can't remember his name -!-hes a famous astronaut tho). And videos are a great way of learning anything which might help her.

Just sending hugs as I know the confidence can be such a huge issue. It must be so frustrating for her when she's smart and talented but the world of school isn't equipped to really help her see that.

Definitely see if there's a fun children's choir she can join. Singing with others is a really uplifting experience and low pressure, it doesn't matter how good you are. My dd has gained a lot of confidence from being involved with a local youth musical theatre group.

How about asking for help in preparing dinner or baking a treat for her sibling? If she is creative she can really go to town with presentation and decoration. And you can praise her results! Or get her into gardening, taking care of something living and s great for self-esteem.

Agree with giving more independence. My now 11 year old started nipping to the local shop and bakery when he was 10. He was so proud to be so grown up!

Does she make cakes and biscuits? My 2 love that - there is nothing nicer than cooking (and eating yummy cake mixture) and then having the whole family devour what you've made. No need to read the recipe - the basic victoria sponge and chocolate chip cookie recipes are really easy to learn off by heart

Thanks for all the great advice.

Choir sounds great, I'll see if there's one around me, I think she would enjoy that. I've asked about our local martial arts group, it's practically opposite our house so she could leave if it was too much for her.

We talk about famous people who are dyslexic and her youth worker who takes her out weekly is also dyslexic as are a couple of her best friends.

Shes also on the NDS pathway for ASD and ADHD but it's a 3-5 year wait around her and we're nearly at 3 years. I've been told she should start her assessments in February with an aim for diagnosis. She also had severe trauma when she was very little.

The school are mostly pretty good, she's in their inclusion class for SEN but they had said that her needs are getting progressively more promiment and they're struggling to meet her needs.

She needs a complex needs school so I can't remove her from her current school because she would be placed in a main stream year 5 class, and she can't currently cope with the SEN class where their ratio is 1adult-4kids. Even with this level of intervention she still struggling, as are the school.

I tell her that she certainly isn't rubbish, she's really not! She's a fantastic kid who is funny, smart, creative. I've recently had the discussion that she's not stupid if she hasn't learned how to do something yet. And used the fact that I'm learning to drive, it doesn't mean I'm stupid, I just haven't learnt so I don't know how to do it yet.

She is now talking to me and coming out her room, last week was awful but I see bits of her coming back through. She even asked for a hug and kiss and to tuck her into bed last night and my heart was so happy.

I'll have a look at the books, im dyslexic myself with disabilities and could use some help in the confidence department.

Its just so difficult when you have ND children that you desperately want to help but you have to fight for everything. I've just had her final EHCP come through after 16months! And it's totally out of date, one report for it I'd 4 years out of date.

She couldn't face school today. This week she's done one half day and I'm so proud of her for managing anything to be honest. She's also very happy she doesn't have to worry about school for a week now for half term, so am I tbh.

It is incredibly difficult, it shreds your brain. When the schools first closed for COVID my overwhelming emotion was relief because I wouldn't have to make DS go to school for 2 weeks.

We are out the other side now with a specialist placement and it has been worth every bit of the fight.

If the LA haven’t named the school you want you can appeal. Does the EHCP contain provision to support DD’s mental health?

@Finerthings it does shred your brain!

@Thatsnotmycar I am intending on appealing it, i got the final copy the other day and I've applied for legal aid, ive spoken to the solicitors and just need to get copies of some letters and ID to send them. The EHCP isn't great, it's very much out of date and doesn't reflect my daughters needs or MH needs very well as the reports are mostly 3 years old.

School have sent me her new part time table and it looks very good with plenty of support for when she's at school as well as a plan to increase time at school, which is going to be done slowly with the hope that she will be attending everyday by the end of the term.

You are both doing fantastically well considering all the difficulties.
Not education related but if she likes fashion and is creative, u could maybe try and do some minor upcycling /fashion /small repairs ideas. Eg, I am about to rescue my silk scarf with a frayed edge by overlaying it with lace. Or attempt some creative DIY Halloween outfit in half-term.

An archery course has helped me with my self esteem. I know that sounds weird. But there's something about feeling like a capable 'warrior' that makes you respect yourself more. And it's not a sport that vastly favours men's bodies over women's.

Maybe see if there's a children's one near you? Other kids will also think she's very cool if she can shoot a bow and arrow x