Wedding disappointment - guest were a let down

[wanta]

I went to my brother's wedding a couple of months ago. I was so excited to go and to see everyone and have a really fun day. All the extended family were invited. I did a lot of the wedding organisation as I get on well with my brother, and my brother wanted only a limited structure.

Individually everyone in my family is great.

My mum has two siblings (my aunts) and each sibling has three/four kids. They are all lovely. However, they all stuck to their little families at the wedding. There was open seating and there was one family on one table and another on another. No mixing.

I went round and tried to mix and mingle and although everyone was polite I felt there were more interested in their own individual family. I asked questions and the questions were politely answered and they didn't ask one back, yet they were so enthusiastic to chat with each other.

These families don't all live near by so I understand that this was a catch up for them too but I felt my brother was just paying for these individual family reunions.

I felt no-one there was at all interested in talking to me other than the bride and groom and my mum's best friend. We all get along and everyone is lovely, so it's not as if anything bad has happened.

The guests left fairly early and it was dead by 10pm, no-one really got up on the dance floor, even though I know the bride (who has a tiny family) had a vision of everyone up dancing together.

The bride and groom were rarely mentioned in conversations as I made my way around.

I think the guests let my brother down.

I would have been really disappointed if this was my wedding.

I will get married in about two years time. My partner and I have discussed but no proposal yet. I have always wanted a normal sized family wedding, but I don't feel like one anymore. I didn't feel many people there cared that much about me and my brother, or at least we were lower on the priority list. They are all such lovely people, so it's not at all that they're horrible.

Is this normal at weddings and are my expectations too high?

Should I just have a normal wedding or a micro wedding?

Wow.

I didn’t realise guests were there to perform and give the grooms sister the wedding she wanted.

maybe at your own, send out rules with the invites.

I suspect you have a general fixation with weddings. You aren’t even engaged but think you know when your wedding will be. I think you are projecting a bit as you are desperate to be engaged and planning your own. That’s led you to try and treat your brothers wedding like your own

So what we're the bride and groom doing that they couldn't go round the room and talk to people but you could?

I find that during all mixed family get togethers (weddings/funerals/parties) the families tend to stay together.

They do mix and chat but tend to sit together for eating etc but then everyone dances together if other people are dancing.

I think you might be overthinking this slightly.

But you said yourself These families don't all live near by so I understand that this was a catch up for them so what's the difference whether they caught up with their siblings or their cousins?

Why did you feel like everyone had to make such an effort with you when it wasn't even your wedding?? I wouldn't be able to relax either if there was someone running around trying to force conversations and watching everyone! And to answer your question, not all weddings are like that, it depends on the type and amount of people you have I suppose. My wedding was fantastic and I didnt particuarly care who spoke to who!

Well, I think weddings are for sitting chatting to people but mainly the ones you haven't seen for ages (far more fun than dancing) so this would seem a bit odd to me but its just different things for different people. You can't force guests to behave in particular ways.

It does read like this op you saw it as a forerunner to your own wedding and wanted to be seen as the main host. As the guests clearly didn’t get the memo on this, they just treated you like an extended member of the family.

look if you really want to get married you can propose to your partner. Until one of you proposes to the other and the other accepts there is no point in this fantasising about your own wedding.

good luck I Hope he says yes

This ^ 😂

You do know this isn’t your wedding. You are not important to every guest.

Your attitude is baffling!

Weddings, funerals and christenings are family re-unions, especially in this day and age where families don't necessarily live in the same towns anymore so yes people will want to catch up with Aunty Flo and cousin Fred. I think it's a myth that the bride and bridegroom's families meet and mingle at weddings, where the families don't already know each other. I've been to weddings in my family, where everyone lives in the same town (except me) from both sides and there can be a right ol' knees up. But where the bride and grooms families come from different parts of the country you're not always going to getting a lot of mingling and mixing.

I'm probably showing my age but frankly a disco at a wedding just gets in the way of me catching up with cousins, aunties and friends I haven't seen since the last wedding / funeral. The last family wedding I went to, we were all squeezed into the bar, having a really good time - there was no one, and I mean no on in the disco room. And it was a great wedding celebration.

And yes - people go home early. Lots of factors here - small children, lack of public transport, cost of taxis home, work the next day and yes loud discos where you can't hear yourself think.

As for people not talking about the bride and groom - there's only so much you can say about how the bride looks beautiful and they make a lovely couple. What do you want people to say ?

I think your expectations maybe be out of kilter - circulating the room at a wedding is done by the bride and groom and probably both sets of parents, although they may stick to just their respective families. No one expects the sister of the groom to circulate like you did. It is totally expected people want to talk to each and will be delighted to speak to the bride and groom. Some people may want to dance - but I've certainly been to a few weddings and big birthday celebrations where the disco played the 'wrong' music for the audience and no one danced.

I'll be honest - I think you may have been a bit to heavily invested in your brother's wedding.

So to your questions - normal size or micro wedding

ask yourself - are you & your future husband from the same town ? / Do the families already know each other ? (Don't assume there haven't been any fallings out - seen it happen) Are they usually a social bunch, who enjoy a disco, or are they like me and prefer to catch up with family & friends who they haven't seen in a while ? Are you and your future husband the first up on any dance floor and the last the leave ? The answers to these questions can help - just remember people will behave how they usually behave

On the evening entertainment front, I find disco/djs are always hit and miss with getting people up to dance. If you’re serious about wanting people to dance then a (very good) live band is the way to go. Every wedding that I’ve been to which has
had one (I include my own in this), saw a packed dance floor from start to finish. I’m thinking as this being something you could consider for your own wedding @wanta ……obviously too late now for your brother’s wedding.

Well at my wedding everyone was just speaking about the Brexit vote as it tool place the following Saturday. Mostly all remainers on both our sides but a couple of elderly relatives who had voted to leave and there was a bit of underlying friction about it all. I had free bar up to £2000 so it helped to get

People dancing.

I don't think many people spoke about us - the couple so it is certainly my experience. Not that I cared. They did say I looked good in my dress but I suppose that is something you are expected to say.

Op do you ever see or chat with your cousins? Would they recognise your DP if they met him in the street?

Honestly if the answers to those questions are no, and you don't see them or chat with them then don't both inviting them to your wedding.

You don’t mention any friends. Were the bride and groom’s friends invited too, or just family? I think you can get more of a party atmosphere going with a bunch of friends who are there to have fun, than with family who are catching up with auntie Marjory and staying sober because they’ve got toddlers to deal with.

For your own wedding, fill it with friends, and as others have said a live band and free bar (if funds allow). These are a better use of the cash than fancy favours, seat covers, balloons and the like (well I think so anyway).

It was a Saturday wedding, there was a playlist that my brother selected with great dance music.

What is great music to you might not be to someone else.

If they are usually up partying until 3am, I suspect the booze was too expensive and / or there was not enough food provided.