Making friends. I must be doing something wrong.

[Stumpedasatree]

I really struggle to make friends. I'm in my mid 40s now and I think this has followed me through life more or less. But obviously much harder now I am older.

My life seems to be 100% my family who I love to bits, but have no one to offload to when I need to, sometimes I would really like a chat or a laugh with someone who gets me. I have best friends from school but we are all in different places now and don't see much of each other, but I do know they are there for me and vice versa. I have lived in my current village for over 10 years, my DC are now secondary age, but I have not found my people yet. I have acquaintances but that is all they are really.

I WFH and have done for years and it is quiet but I am mostly good in my own company. I do belong to a running club which is sociable. I just would like to have someone I could invite over, despite the house being a tip, or who I could go out with for a dog walk, coffee/wine let off steam with and catch up at short notice.

I recently tried to invite an acquaintance (through my DC activity and school) for a drink as I hadn't seen her in ages. We have not been out together before. She initially seemed up for it, and I suggested free evenings. But I then bumped into her and she said how about asking another mutual acquaintance along too, and I said great idea. But that seems to be it - I haven't asked mutual acquaintance as I have taken to heart that original acquaintance doesn't seem to want to go with me anymore, or at least suffer my company 1 on 1! I guess my confidence is a little low.

The few acquaintances I do have rarely ask me anything about myself. I suppose I dislike talking a lot about myself as my life seems so boring in comparison to everyone else's! But maybe that is an issue? I think I am a good listener. I am not particularly witty or funny. I am also partially deaf which causes lots of problems when I can't follow a dialogue.

Anyway any help please? Can you glean anything from my post that I am doing wrong perhaps? How do you make new friends?

It is hard, and can be exhausting. But to make new buddies in midlife you do have to put the effort in. Let’s revisit what happened with this acquaintance you were targeting as a possible new friend…

You suggested a meetup, she accepted. Yay! Then she suggested inviting another person too. At this point you could have:

(1) said “Great idea, the more the merrier!” Texted other person to say “hey me & X are going out for a drink and would love for you to join us, do you have any free evenings coming up?” Or

(2) said “Oh I think she’s quite busy at the mo shall we just do the two of us this time and try a bigger group for the next one?” Or

(3) sulk led and let the idea fizzle out, creating awkwardness.

You chose option 3. 🤷‍♀️ And I bet you do this over and over. You went part of the way towards a better social life, but then abandoned the attempt when it got tricky.

You need to put more effort in and fake being a confident extrovert, basically. You absolutely can have the quiet dog walks and coffees, but those are for more established friendships, you need to work up to that.

Treat it like dating. You wouldn’t ask a first date to come to your house and snuggle on the sofa to watch tv, you’d go for a meal/coffee. And with new friends you won’t have much luck inviting them on a 2 hr walk with you, unless you first have a series of quick coffees or pub drinks, preferably in a group.

Good luck!

(and if it goes wrong just try again with someone else. It really is very like dating.)

@ChocFrog everything you have said has resonated, thank you. You are quite right, I have sulked and felt sorry for myself. I am definitely not a natural extrovert but shall try and do my best to fake it. I have remedied the situation now and have texted other person to ask her if she'd like to come. Fingers crossed. I realise I only have myself to blame and its helpful to see where I go wrong.