If you text a friend and they don't reply, what do you do and how long do you wait?

Metabigot · 2022-10-19T13:02:11+00:00

There seem to be two camps on MN - those who think it is rude for someone not to reply after a reasonable period of time and those who think it's the height of bad manners to expect someone to reply in anything other than their own sweet time however long that may take. I commonly find that friends can be difficult to get a response out of when texting to try and arrange meeting up. Does this mean that they are not actually my friend or are they just busy? Is this just the modern way? Is it worth following up or does that make me look needy? How long do you leave it - forever if needs be? Interested in others experience of this.

CoveredInCobwebs · 19/10/2022 14:58

If it's about meeting up then I would expect a reply within a few days. I would definitely follow up if it was a good friend so I knew they really wanted to get together! I probably wouldn't if it was more of an acquaintance.

If it's just a chatty text then I wouldn't expect a reply.

Bluevelvetsofa · 19/10/2022 14:58

If you’re trying to arrange to meet and you’ve sent a text suggesting dates/times/venue, I’d expect to have a response within a couple of days. If you don’t get a response, I’d probably send a reminder text and if that didn’t elicit a response, I’d assume they didn’t want to meet and leave it.

Original poster

Metabigot · 19/10/2022 15:22

Friend in question was supposed to meet for lunch a few weeks ago but cancelled at short notice due to being ill (she said - I have my suspicions) - then said let's rearrange for next month. Sent her a text about something else which she replied to, when I sent the ' when are you free go meet up as will need to make sure my husband's not working that day' text she's not replied to that.

I know her husband works away so it could be one where she's thinking she needs to check with him but I'd have sent a 'need to check' message

I am ultra sensitive at the moment due to having had a bad friend break up with a long term friend earlier this year so I am probably over analysing but I don't want to seem needy.

OP posts:

Boxofsockss · 19/10/2022 15:28

I can’t be bothered with people who don’t reply to me. For the simple fact that I’m sure they have been on their phone (I don’t expect immediate responses but within 1-2 days max) and I’m of the view that people find time for those that they want to so the excuse that they were busy doesn’t wash either. I’ve cut many people out of my life for not responding as I don’t like the way it makes me feel if I’m just blatantly ignored by people who are meant to care about me.

grayhairdontcare · 19/10/2022 15:29

I always say there is no such thing as an urgent text.
If an answer is required I phone.

Itisour · 19/10/2022 15:29

She probably does need to check/didn't have time to think the moment it came through and has forgotten/feels overwhelmed at the moment. I would leave this one - ball is in her court to rearrange now.

pyjamafashionista · 19/10/2022 15:49

I'm exactly like you. I over analyse and dissect. I convince myself said friend isn't replying because they don't like me/are avoiding me. I feel sad. Then a few days later they respond and I feel better again 🤣
I'm an instant replier, but I've noticed a lot of others are much more laid back and reply "as and when". I'd leave it a few days then send one more message just saying "hiya! Any joy on dates for a meet up, be nice to catch up"
Then I'd leave it. She may have just forgotten to respond. She may be drifting. It does happen.
It's hard not to take it personally but I'd say it happens to most of us as some point x

Thisismynamenow · 19/10/2022 16:17

I'm an awful texter, I forget to respond and it becomes a few days before I find time to do it.

However I love my friends dearly and they all know I'm shit so expect it.

Most, if urgent and want a reply ASAP just call me now lol as I'll know its urgent

AndTwoFilmsByFrancoisTruffaut · 19/10/2022 16:24

Oh jeez, I never respond straight away, sometimes I take days,. I’m so busy with work and life and I’m heavily pregnant so v tired too.

My friends understand this and know not to expect a quick reply. I’m the same though, I send a text and forget about it and get on with life. I know my friends love me and vice versa. I just can’t do needy / overthinking friends with too much time on their hands 🤷🏻‍♀️

LeMoo · 19/10/2022 16:29

I have a 3 attempt rule and have found it really useful in weeding out those friendships which drift.

Lots of people are bad at keeping up with messages, get distracted and forget they've not replied. I don't take it too personally. But if I reach out 3x in a row and get no response then I stop bothering.

Sometimes, a friend will eventually come back and apologise and explain why they've been useless at keeping in touch and we'll take it from there. I get it, life isn't always easy. Others disappear as friendships drift and life moves on, that's OK too.

But friends who value you and have time and space in their lives for you, who want to make an effort, always come back within the 3 message rule and it saves stress, wasted effort and guesswork.

BananaCocktails · 19/10/2022 16:31

If I want to meet somebody I will give them a call not just text
If I text it seems a bit casual

WakingUpDistress · 19/10/2022 16:55

I find it depends a lot on the people.

I have good friends who get back to me quite quickly and an answer like the one you had (or rather didn’t have) would make me think that the offer to meet up wasn’t a real offer. A bit like when people tell you ‘oh we need to have another night out soon. It was lovely.’ but they dint mean a word of it.

I have other just as good friends who I know have their own issues/stresses/I’ll health and sometimes they just don’t get back to me. Often because they’ve forgotten or whatever. I don’t stress about those and just send them another message ‘oh btw, have you thought about …’.

Blaggertyjibbet · 19/10/2022 17:03

I assume one or more of the following:

They are tired or busy and will respond when they have bandwidth
They don’t check their phone compulsively
They were in the middle of something when the text came in, didn’t have time or mental bandwidth to respond, and then they forgot to respond later

I absolutely loathe this ‘if you don’t respond within a short window of time then you are a bad friend who doesn’t care.’ It is the whole instant gratification/‘pay attention to ME’ culture at its very worst.

I am a busy mum of three and sometimes I just don’t have the mental energy to make plans with friends or acquaintances RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE when I already feel swamped by life. I respond when I have time to sit down, look at my schedule, and think about when I could make time for said friend. I respond in my own time, and I afford others the same grace to respond only when they are ready.

gamerchick · 19/10/2022 17:06

If it's a text with anything other than instructions needed/answered then they aren't urgent. I personally call someone if I need an answer to something.

Original poster

Metabigot · 19/10/2022 17:15

Blaggertyjibbet · 19/10/2022 17:03

I assume one or more of the following:

They are tired or busy and will respond when they have bandwidth
They don’t check their phone compulsively
They were in the middle of something when the text came in, didn’t have time or mental bandwidth to respond, and then they forgot to respond later

I absolutely loathe this ‘if you don’t respond within a short window of time then you are a bad friend who doesn’t care.’ It is the whole instant gratification/‘pay attention to ME’ culture at its very worst.

I am a busy mum of three and sometimes I just don’t have the mental energy to make plans with friends or acquaintances RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE when I already feel swamped by life. I respond when I have time to sit down, look at my schedule, and think about when I could make time for said friend. I respond in my own time, and I afford others the same grace to respond only when they are ready.

Out of interest what's the longest you could/would leave it to reply to a text like the one I'd sent where there had already been a loose agreement to meet up. Would you think it reasonable to reply over a week later for example?

OP posts:

thelobsterquadrille · 19/10/2022 17:23

If I want/need an instant reply, I call, I don't rely on text messages.

B1pbop · 19/10/2022 17:26

I would focus on what you need and what you can give.

giving - think about what she might need from you. Maybe she needs some care or concern? E.g. ‘haven’t heard back from you, hope all is well. Thinking of you and look forward to catching up soon’. maybe she’s snowed under with stuff, maybe she’s had an accident, maybe she just doesn’t have the emotional capacity for you right now etc.

what you need - what do you need? Care, attentiveness, kindness etc? Is there a problem you’re wanting to talk through with someone or a moan you need to have? Is this the best person to give you what you’re needing in this moment? Is there someone more available you could ask, or is it a need you can meet yourself until you can catch up again? You don’t need to keep hanging on until she replies and put all your eggs in one basket. The world is abundant when you’re clear on what you want. And when you’ve met your need in this moment, you can pick up with your friend without any baggage or resentment in the future, when you’re both available for each other at the same moment in time.

Original poster

Metabigot · 19/10/2022 17:29

B1pbop · 19/10/2022 17:26

I would focus on what you need and what you can give.

giving - think about what she might need from you. Maybe she needs some care or concern? E.g. ‘haven’t heard back from you, hope all is well. Thinking of you and look forward to catching up soon’. maybe she’s snowed under with stuff, maybe she’s had an accident, maybe she just doesn’t have the emotional capacity for you right now etc.

what you need - what do you need? Care, attentiveness, kindness etc? Is there a problem you’re wanting to talk through with someone or a moan you need to have? Is this the best person to give you what you’re needing in this moment? Is there someone more available you could ask, or is it a need you can meet yourself until you can catch up again? You don’t need to keep hanging on until she replies and put all your eggs in one basket. The world is abundant when you’re clear on what you want. And when you’ve met your need in this moment, you can pick up with your friend without any baggage or resentment in the future, when you’re both available for each other at the same moment in time.

The friendship isn't that deep and quite a new one - I need - fun, a drinking buddy, good conversation. I hope she does too! I don't want to whinge all my personal shit at her. We have had fun times before and seemed to get on well so I guess it's just someone to be socialising with. Hopefully I can give her what she wants to, she's been flaky with responding before and the come through so maybe it's not that she's gone off me after all.

OP posts:

ArcticSkewer · 19/10/2022 17:38

I always forget these days. It's perimenopause, or maybe even covid. My memory is shot. I can't remember names half the time either. So if I get a text when I can't reply, but my phone auto opens it, I will never remember

efjh · 10/02/2023 14:19

My friend is never replying what should I do

Original poster

Metabigot · 10/02/2023 16:06

efjh · 10/02/2023 14:19

My friend is never replying what should I do

Is she just flaky, or not that bothered about the friendship?

I've had examples of both, the three text rule weeds them out. After 3 tries, I give up

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Iwantabloodypizza · 10/02/2023 16:16

I text a friend to see if she wanted to meet up for a drink. She read it but didn’t respond. I text her a week later about something funny i’d seen and asking if she was ok. Again read, but nothing.

That was 9 years ago.

Dh saw her in Tesco a couple of times she’s alive and kicking.

I’ll never know what I did wrong!

Original poster

Metabigot · 10/02/2023 17:17

Iwantabloodypizza · 10/02/2023 16:16

I text a friend to see if she wanted to meet up for a drink. She read it but didn’t respond. I text her a week later about something funny i’d seen and asking if she was ok. Again read, but nothing.

That was 9 years ago.

Dh saw her in Tesco a couple of times she’s alive and kicking.

I’ll never know what I did wrong!

Same. I see her at school and she's all like we must meet up soon! I fell for it a couple of times and texted but then realised it was bullshit when she didn't reply. Probably said it out if embarrassment.

I've given up now, these things happen.

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Daretohope · 20/11/2023 00:10

What if your friend texts you with some terrible bad news they got from the hospital, obviously looking for support, would you just ignore that text for over a week? This is what is currently happening to me. I texted two different people and one read my message and didn’t reply and still hasn’t ten days later and the other left my message unread 7 days ago. I would have responded the same day at the very least saying I’m so sorry to hear that.