Elderly Neighbour

[Anu75]

We have a neighbour who is 82 yrs old . She has been nice with the kids but has recently moved away to live in more compact accommodation.

Since moving she has not given a gift (I don't mind at all but previous years she gifts and we gift her too ) but when I rang her on my birthday (as she sent a card) she did not say happy birthday and there was a big silence on the phone .

My husband invited her around last night and again she walked in the house and sat down (I had to get her some cushions as she needs extra support), no real warm hug or hello or eye contact.

I work full time plus have the kids to do school runs, rainbows, cubs , swimming etc. Plus I'm studying all hours too trying to get a post grad diploma done ...so busy. In the evening I ask my husband to do the dishes (as I cook) and I walk round the block or up to the library (half hour walk in a well lit residential) at around 9pm. Anyway she has said before out of concern , that I should not go out at night but last night she went one step further saying you will end up being raped (my kids were a short distance away). I felt so embarrassed and wonder today if I should say something to her. Also on the way out there was no hug (as usually she does) so I had to initiate the hug.
She also returned to us some burgers which she had in her freezer but when I checked this morning they were all out of date (April /September 2022) and she kept saying in a disappointed way that we never come round so have the food back ( we never asked her to get stuff for us!).

My husband has invited her again as we have a celebration in a few weeks but do you think this is right...?

In addition, ever since she moved I do feel slightly weird as the house she moved was apparently her best friends of 40 plus years and she would always joke oh I hope she dies soon when the friend was complaining. This friend had a niece who was alcoholic and lived nearby but when her friend died she said her friend left the house to her ....it is worth well over 400K.

She has a daughter who is dating a bloke who is besotted with her but she has advised her daughter not to marry him as she gets maintenance of her husband who is really well off. The daughter has a lovely home and therefore does not have to work full time due to this separation arrangement with her ex but still married husband. Her daughter therefore has a lot of time on her hands to help her mum out (our ex neighbour) , go to country clubs, cycling, horse-riding ...rekhi.

My gut is something is off....but I just wondered what you all thought on this ....

What do you think is off?

That she is isolated and disorientated, probably vulnerable. It is nice that you each want to keep in touch but you will have less in common as time goes on.

I 'm not sure perhaps that she uses people?

In the past when I have been visiting my mum in another city on a bank holiday weekend , she has rang my husband to move large items so we have had to return on a Sunday instead of a monday. The advise she is giving to her daughter to keep herself married so she can cash in on the separated partner, the huge house going to her and not her best friends niece.

Sometimes if I didn;t put her bin in until the afternoon she would get frustrated but I wfh and would rush out to school to get kids. We cook for her at times. Her sons and their wives stay away from her so she relies on us and her daughter.

I do need to say that we do also go over to hers too and her daughter helps her get out.

Should I say to her I don't want her to use that language. It may be supoid to her to go out but I feel more comfortable going out for a walk for half hour at 9am than I do at 6 or 7am which is what her and her daughter and my husband are suggesting .

Just don't tell her that you're going for a walk. That's all you have to do. I have an elderly lady who lives near us who was friends with my mum. I visit her and she always says to me not to go out after dark. I just let it go in one ear and out the other.

If you're busy you don't have to go round and do stuff straight away, just say you're out at the moment but you can do such and such but pick a time when it's convenient for you.

With the other stuff regarding her daughter, that's none of your business. Don't get involved.

Yes I don't think I should mention it, my mum is the same but I really need a break and I think it upset me as I 'm unsure if kids heard what she said.

Yes I would never say anything but obviously to me the advise is pretty selfish and to me anyway (taking aside her age) shows what a selfish woman she is and very money minded. Of course I would not say anything but if that was my daughter I would not be thinking of the money of the well off separated husband. She is giving that advise I think as it serves her to keep her daughter not having to work as she is then free to visit her mum in the week unlike me who is working god knows how many hours full time! If her daughter was doing what I was doing she would have to be going for a half hour walk at 9pm!

I would suggest that you start to step back from her, her family need to be stepping up now. The snippets you have shared here indicate to me as a non medical person but one with life experience, is that cognitive decline might be beginning - the small bouts of fury, the lack of filter around words and who is present when she utters them, changes in demeanour. Please tell her family that she is changed, different, and advise that you must step back to concentrate on your own little family.

Something is so off it stinks.

It's your attitude to this older lady in her declining years.

Poor woman. She is 82 and has had to leave her home and all you can do is just moan about her. If you dont want to see her anymore dont invite her over. If you think she might have changed her behaviour just tell her family.

Gilberts and Mama thanks for your responses. I don't mind stepping a way a bit but my husband really likes her and treats her like his own mum but I think the family especially her sons know this. She can be quite bossy to my husband once demanding we stay for an hour to watch strictly come dancing when our children were unwell and we wanted to go home .

We have been a lifeline to this lady especially over the pandemic but she treats us like family when we are not and I think at times for her own selfish need. There have been many a time we have cooked, cleaned and done errors and I have sacrificed spending time with my own elderly mum over her. As I said, in real life I'm nice , it's just an underlying uneasy feeling. Will try to step away a bit as we are not family. Thanks for all the responses