You’re icky as happy as your unhappiest child

[Newpuppymummy]

Do you think this is true? Even when they are adults. My dd is 17 and has struggled with mh stuff for a few years now. I try and make her life as lovely as possible but obviously it doesn’t always work. I’ve kind of accepted I can’t make her happy and it’s not something I can control but while she is unhappy I can’t be happy. Does that make sense? I just wonder whether this will be the case even when she’s an adult and living independently.

Oh for goodness sake. Meant to say only as happy not icky!

Yes, I think it is true. You can be kind of happy but not fully happy when you are worried for one of your children.

You can't make her happy but you can help her to deal with what she has going on.

I agree. My dd has mh issues too. I feel like I am never happy these days. It's draining.

I’ve done everything I can to help her but ultimately she has to want it too. I’ve paid for private counselling, seen multiple mental health professionals, GP and currently looking into several diagnoses at her request. I hope I can help her manage things. I’ll always hope that.

Yes I think it's true. If one of my DC are unhappy, upset or having a hard time it plays on my mind. I can't imagine being totally happy knowing one of my DC isn't.

Very true I think. One of mine has bad anxiety and physical difficulties too. Its hard to be happy when theyre hiding in a bubble, desparately trying to stop the anxiety from drowning them again

Can confirm. And mine are 21 and 23.

Completely true, even when they are adults. Mine are in their mid to late 20s.

One of mine has serious Mh issues and other problems. It’s torn the family apart and has pretty much left both parents a total wreck. I doubt any of us will ever be happy again.

I think it is largely true but does depend on some extent on the cause.

Heartbroken after a breakup in their early 20s - of course I would be sad for them but I would be confident that they would bounce back eventually and so it probably wouldn't weigh on me too heavily.

MH issues, bereavement, miscarriage, DV etc then yes I think I would find it difficult to be really happy while my adult child was suffering.

I agree. I have a 16 year old DD with MH problems and it’s utterly draining. I’ve never had MH problems myself but I’m on fluoxetine now because I don’t sleep well and during the day my stress levels are sky high waiting for the next call from school / hospital / police etc. I feel for you.

@uhtredbebbanburg I totally get that. I’m constantly waiting for the next crisis. I tip toe around her constantly feeling on edge. I’m not at the anti depressant stage yet but I can see how I could get there. Sending positive vibes to you x

I have 3 adult children from 28-39.
It is very true, my 3 take it in turns to be unhappy.
All is calm right now but I’m never smug, smug comes and bite you on the arse when you least expect it.

@Sago1 does it feel as intense when they are older and not living with you. Genuinely interested.

I agree with this. And as they get older and problems get bigger the periods of being truly happy and worry free seem so fleeting. But it’s the price you pay for family and love. I think it’s a little the same with all relationships, but to the greatest and most obvious extent with your children.

Yes it does!

The problems are so different and you often have to factor in their relationships too.
I have a photo of my 3 taken when we are together in London around 10 years ago, I was worried sick about all 3 of them!

Daughter was in a relationship with a nob (8 years), she had a good career but he was sponging off her and holding her back, she weighed about 7.5 stone and looked frail.
Middle son was doing OK in his career but couldn’t seem to hold down a relationship, he seemed lost.
Youngest had just returned from 6 months in India, he was 18 and refusing to apply for university, I had visions of him returning to India and selling drugs for a living😬.

10 years on daughter got rid of nobhead and now has a wonderful partner, two gorgeous children and a lovely home.
Middle son is doing really well in his career and has just got married to the love of his life.
Youngest went to uni but overseas, he is doing well but still lives and works abroad.

I love them so much and know I will always worry, there are lots of things we don’t know about that they have sorted out for themselves or with each others help.

The worry will never go but it’s life…… I must ask them if they worry about us!

Thank you for that reply. It kind of gives me hope that things move on and worries at least change a bit even if they don’t disappear.

I think it certainly is true. I have 3 children, two in their late 40’s and a 30 yr old and the times that they are all happy at the same time are very precious.

You have to get comfortable with being worried as well. You have to see it as a manifestation of your love and concern and not let it overwhelm you. That worry can be positive - it drives you to care and to understand what your kids are going through - but you have to work hard to not let it own you.

I love this post, very wise words, thank you 💝

@GonnaBeYoniThisChristmas That’s lovely. Actually make me well up. Thank you

This ! Brilliant .. I need to screenshot this and remind myself regularly of your wonderful words

Me too! Very positive message when sometimes I can’t see any positives.

Yes! Very well said.