Why would someone lie about this??

[OneMadSunday]

Ok so I have NC’d for this and tried to keep it brief but to be honest this is so bizarre I’m not sure that makes much difference.

At my old job that I left a couple years ago I worked with a woman, let’s call her A who has learning difficulties (possibly relevant), we were not close but we occasionally made small talk etc and she was nice. A added me on Facebook and through her posts I saw some of her life and photos of her fiancée that she later married.
I am very good friends with someone who still works at my old job and we regularly catch up. A year or so ago she told me that A’s husband also started working there and he too had learning difficulties (again possibly relevant), she said they are both lovely, get on well everyone and are good at their jobs etc.

Then around 6 months ago my friend tells me some terrible news that A’s husband has died. Although I didn’t know him I felt sad and was sorry to hear it. Of course people at work were also upset and many rallied round A who was grieving.
A few weeks later my friend then said that there had been tension at work as a few people had been saying if this man was dead then why has A not posted about it on Facebook, no one has posted anything on his Facebook or tagged him in anything and there’s no funeral details. A also changed her surname back to her maiden name. My friend was disgusted at people for saying some unkind things and both she and another co worker really laid into some of them. A few months later A left for another job and it was just accepted that her husband had passed away and that was that.

Until today….

I attend a regular activity, I’ve not been doing it long only a couple months. Today a man attends that looks a lot like how I remembered A’s husband to look from the many photos she posted. Then I hear his name, A’s husband also had this very uncommon name. I honestly can’t describe how I felt, it was just so odd. After a while I decided to start secretly videoing him on my phone for about 10 seconds which yes I know it’s weird but I wanted to send it to my friend. I sent it to her and she was in utter utter disbelief, it was indeed A’s husband alive and well! He is not dead and A completely made it up! Who does that? Why would she say such an awful thing? We just cannot understand it. The reason I added in about them having learning difficulties is because we wondered if they wanted to divorce but didn’t know how to tell people having only been married a short time. But that seems like a stretch? We have only told our partners about this and no one else. My friend wants to tell people at work as they grieved for him and should know he is fine.
I have to say I agree but many things have crossed my mind like what if he was abusive or something. Or did they both agree to say that he died? If so why wouldn’t he have moved away or changed his name. Some people that work there also still see A and I don’t like the idea of lots of people angrily going at her. I mean she must be mentally unwell or have good reason to do this surely? How would you approach this?

Yeh, she'd hardly mean dyspraxia. Very puzzling!

Somebody I used to work with said his mum died when she didn't some people are just liars, I'd stay out of it its not worth it they obviously have their reasons for lying. Just don't trust anything they say in the future

I also don’t know if he will attend my activity again but if he does and for some reason we end up talking I would have to pretend I don’t know who he is.

Well, that would be right. You don't know who he is other than some surreptitious filming. So what have you got to pretend about?

If he does attend your activity group again and you have to pretend you don't know who he is you won't have to pretend too hard, he doesnt' have a clue who you are!

I worked in a supermarket years ago and a lot of my colleagues had learning difficulties

People lie about all sorts of shit. Sometimes it's part of a personality disorder, sometimes it's just because life's a bit dull. Either way unless it directly affects you I say just adjust your bosom and move on.

Learning difficulties and disabilities and supermarkets aside, why would someone lie about this? People lie. All the time. About all sorts of things. Sometimes they get found out, most of the time they don't.

You aren't owed an explanation of the reason and you'll drive yourself mad wondering!

I worked in a supermarket years ago and a lot of my colleagues had learning difficulties

Yeah but why would that be relevant to you lying? I thought maybe op meant learning disability as you wouldn't always know (although again not sure if the correlation with lying)

Who knows?

Why on earth are you and your mate so invested?

Forget it.

People with leaning difficulties have jobs! What a shocker 😮

Perhaps A was embarrassed to say they’d separated/ divorced?
Whatever it is there’s nothing to be gained from you telling people he’s alive. They may have felt sad at the time of his “death” but people move on and it won’t mean that much to them now.
If A said he’d died, she did it for a reason so leave it at that.

Why does it matter? Can a workplace not have more than one person with disabilities? Ridiculous comment!

I would stay out of it

A had their reasons, whether they were malicious or to protect themselves emotionally or from embarrassment.

Playing detective, catching her out, or gossiping about her, however much fun it seems, is not going to benefit anyone, and could potentially cause harm, so MYOB.

If you do end up speaking to him, I assume it will be at a superficial level as you don't know him, just keep the conversation to the activity. And stop gossiping to ex colleagues.

A also changed her surname back to her maiden name

why the need to video A's "dead" husband? The minute I read what you'd written above, I thought "he hasn't died, they split up." Whatever. So what.

Surely you could have drawn a similar conclusion rather than getting heavily invested in someone else's life and bothering about whether A lied. People have all sorts of reasons for saying things. They don't need people over-analysing their business

This and I find it bizarre that you would grieve over someone else’s dead husband - can’t have been that close as you didn’t go to the wedding.

why didn’t you just ask him? Say - hi did you say your name was a Freddie X are you any relation to Freddie X who married Amy? Just an unusual name.
could be a doppelgänger, could be a twin, could be a fantasy - she never married him so that was fake, could be they split up? Who knows why didn’t you just ask him / why all the drama?

My ex husband told me and the children that he had stage 4 cancer and even phoned from the hospital after surgery. Went to hospital no patient of that Name. Phoned him and he said I’m on this ward - I texted back and said I’m at the hospital at the main desk - no such ward. He then told me he had discharged himself and was going home to get ‘away from the drama’ / ironic that his car never moved from his drive before during and after and his parents knew nothing about it. 🤷‍♀️Some people invent drama

Its not related to learning difficulties - often these sorts of people are narcs or have childhoods that lack affection etc

As interesting and weird as it sounds I would still say you should stay out of it. You seem too invested in this and taking videos is going a bit too far according to me.

People and relationships are much more complicated and not everything can be explained to everyone. I have always felt that that friends (obviously with good intentions)are often interested in your story or problem but loose the plot the moment it becomes uninteresting to them. Besides it's really tedious and exhausting to explain to everyone what you did what you did. Sometimes people simply need a new start and they have every right to keep theirs private life private.

I used to have a friend who lied all the time. I liked her, we enjoyed doing things with our kids but in the end I had to distance myself as the lying got so hard to deal with. For example another mother at school saying how sorry she was for my friend and her husband had lost their first child, I was so stuck as she asked me if I knew what happened. Well yes I know they met and married within six months and their DD was born six months later so not really time for them to lose a child, it was supposed to be a cot death. Then there was her education which again just didn't add up as she'd have had to do a degree in one year. Stories about her terribly successful family when I knew siblings had criminal records (I worked at the police station close to her family home and her siblings were well known.) Marks and Spencers apparently flew a special coat in from their Paris store for her daughter as she was so beautiful and they had nothing good enough for her in the local store. It just got hard to have a conversation when I got to the point where I didn't believe anything she said.

I don't know why people do it, I assume it is some sort of mental health condition and I didn't blame her for it but I just couldn't cope any more.

I'd stay out of it as it won't help anyone if you get involved in anymore gossip.

Someone I know lied on this scale, turns out they have severe l mental health problems and had a breakdown when they were found out. They had a whole fabricated life.

I think trying to remember all the lies would give me a breakdown.

NC for this. I worked with someone (A) who told us his husband (B) had had a heart attack and was in hospital. Then B needed open heart surgery and died a short while later. I’d met B on a few occasions and they’d both seemed very happy so I was upset for A and we chatted quite a lot about how he was getting on and coping without B etc. A left not long after and I only saw him a few more times in passing.

Fast forward six months or so and scrolling through a news website there’s a big picture of A who’s died in a fire along with pics and quotes from B who is very much alive and kicking and still married to him.

We were all in shock at work and have no idea why he lied.

I used to use a male hairdresser that lied constantly, although I didn't know it at the time....it was only after I stopped having my hair cut that I found out the truth, from one of the school mum's that lived next door to him & his family as he was growing up...

Hairdresser told me he was born in Manchester & lived there most of his life, he was actually born in a small Devon village.

Told me he was battling cancer for the 2nd time, this turned out to be a complete fabrication, he had never battled cancer.

Told me he was epileptic - he wasn't.

Told me he had been employed by Tony & Guy as a celebrity hairdresser to work on some famous stars - he had never even worked for Tony & Guy.

Told me he had been disowned by his parents years previously who wanted nothing to do with him, his only contact was his sister. Found out his parents cared deeply for him, were always trying to reach out to him, invite him round for meals etc.

The list went on and on....strange thing was he lied so much, I think he actually believed it all.

Well other than potentially lying, they haven't done anything wrong.

Did co-workers raise money them or something? If not, then nobody has been harmed.

You are way too invested by filming somebody. How convenient he had an unusual name.

So what if it was lies.
If not, not everybody gets straight on Facebook to declare the death of their spouse. Also if he had legacy settings she could change his profile so nobody could post on it.

It all sounds rather convoluted and complicated for a couple with 'learning disabilities'
I've always found, being autistic myself that the absolute truth and black and white works best.

Tell them, they have a right to know and chances are one of them will
Bump into him at one point if u have already who doesn't know him. A slight learning difficulty doesn't give folk the right to lie about shit like this. They work and live lives like everyone else, They know right from wrong. Whatever her reason, people have grieved, have prob gave money for a collection etc for a wee gift etc. this is just a piece of nonsense. The man may not even know
Himself folk think he is dead.

I wouldn't approach this at all. I would not consider it any of my business and would not have involved my friend, who is now in a potentially awkward position.