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Original poster

Abortion regret

29 replies

Iz2710 · 16/10/2022 14:19

Hi just wanted to hear some similar stories as I am completely broken at the moment:(
On the 8th of September I found out I was pregnant and that i was 6 weeks+
i was so happy and excited as I’ve always thought I wasn’t fertile,
my boyfriend was completely against keeping it and literally begged me to get an abortion.
i felt sooo pressured and forced but I didn’t know it was my choice
its now october 16th and I had the pills on the 1st.
I tried to get over it but I haven’t had one good day since. Just constant anger and regret and guilt.
struggling to forgive him but I cannot get past it

OP posts:
fdkc · 16/10/2022 14:24

Sounds tough, Im so sorry your feeling this way. All you can do is try your best to move on as it's done now so there is nothing you can do to change it. Have you thought about counselling?

As for forgiving your boyfriend, this is a tricky one. I do think men have a say when it comes to the decision, if they really don't want to become father's they shouldn't be forced. On the other hand he could have used contraception to try avoid this. I take it the pregnancy wasn't planned and your contraception failed? I'm just wondering why you were so happy about it but he wasn't?

How is he about it now? Is he regretting your regret?

pointythings · 16/10/2022 14:25

Has it occurred to you that you do not have to forgive him? Putting you under pressure isn't forgivable (and I'm as pro choice as they come).

It may be the case that his presence in your life will always remind you of what happened and that you would be better off getting some support and starting over. Whatever the case, please don't feel that you 'owe' him forgiveness somehow. You don't. Forgiveness is a way for you to work through events and move on, it isn't a duty of atonement of some kind.

pointythings · 16/10/2022 14:27

I do think men have a say when it comes to the decision, if they really don't want to become father's they shouldn't be forced.

Men do have a say. If they don't want to become fathers, they can choose not to have PIV sex. After they have decided to have PIV sex, they no longer have a say. Hope that clears things up.

Bloody hell, man apologists.

Original poster
Iz2710 · 16/10/2022 14:32

He chose to have unprotected sex and he knew I Wasn’t taking any contraceptive pills anymore. He knew it was a risk and he took it

OP posts:
Original poster
Iz2710 · 16/10/2022 14:34

He feels guilty for making me go through it and he wants one now. This is partly why I’m so angry because from a mothers pov, it’s not as easy as moving on to the next baby after getting rid of one

OP posts:
caringcarer · 16/10/2022 14:34

He should not have pressured you into abortion. You don't have to 'forgive' him. A man's choice is to use a condom. A woman's choice is what to do if she finds herself pregnant. Your body, your choice. Don't punish yourself. It is clear from your post your partner did not allow you the time to think things through properly. He does not sound like a loving and caring partner. Not a keeper. You know there are nice kind men out there who will take on bringing up another man's child. My nephew had just started dating his gf when she found out she was pregnant by former partner. He tried to force her to abort, but she did not want to. My nephew took her to counselling appointment and told her if she wanted the baby he would help her to keep it. He found her accomodation. Helped her buy things in preparation of baby. 2 years later they got married and baby calls my nephew Dad. He is the only Dad child has ever known. Ex does not even contribute maintenance. You don't have to stay with controlling and nasty ex if he reminds you of abortion. You might need a fresh start.

Flowersonthewall6 · 16/10/2022 14:40

Contact these guys, they are super useful and really nice to talk: helphopehealing.co.uk

They do a 12 step program to help you come to terms with the termination. Working through your emotions / anger towards your BF etc

YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators · 16/10/2022 14:44

Sending you courage and compassion.
You do not have to forgive your boyfriend. I also had a coerced abortion, and still, decades later, after bereavements and other difficult life events, it is definitely the most traumatic experience of my life and the one it has been hardest to recover from. Part of my recovery was to allow myself to be really, really angry with the man I was with at the time, and who had pressurised me to have the termination, yet was very 'happy' to comfort me in my post-abortion distress and sort of use my grief and desperation to bind me to him.
You are entitled to your feelings; grief, regret, blame, rage - the whole range. Please take care and be kind to yourself.

SusanKennedy · 16/10/2022 14:46

So he's changed his mind? You've been through significant mental and physical trauma at his insistence and now he's changed his mind?

If my partner tried to force me to abort a baby it would be the end for me, never mind having another baby with that person. Fuck no.

I'm so sorry op for what you've been through, and I think counselling would be a good idea to help you work through your grief. But please, seriously consider leaving him.

Untitledsquatboulder · 16/10/2022 14:48

Iz2710 · 16/10/2022 14:32

He chose to have unprotected sex and he knew I Wasn’t taking any contraceptive pills anymore. He knew it was a risk and he took it

Can I ask why you did? And why didn't you know it was your choice? Did you get no pre termination counselling?

You don't have to forgive him.

Untitledsquatboulder · 16/10/2022 14:49

Oh and if this has shown you anything, it's that this is not a man to have children with.

pepsirolla · 16/10/2022 15:04

*He *changed his mind!
What guarantee do you have that he won't change his mind again if you get pregnant again?
He sounds very immature.
He made up his mind very quickly to make you get rid of it and now he u turns after the event!
The decision to try for a baby should be a joint decision after carefully thinking of your situations, jobs, finances, housing, help with childcare etc.
Imagine it's 3 am, baby crying can you picture him helping you? Or child or you are sick, is he caring then etc
Imagine him in 20yrs time, is he the best role model to the child?
Sorry you going through this, hope you get some counselling to help you come to terms with the abortion and seriously think whether you should continue this relationship

Japril85 · 16/10/2022 16:50

So Sorry for that OP. Forgiveness is possible but it will take time. We had an abortion back in January, decision was made with a heavy heart by north of us but unfortunately I was in so much pain, bleeding everyday and mentally it effected my ability to think I’d be a good mum. Afterwards we found out it wasn’t a viable pregnancy. But it’s not made the journey any easier- whilst I feel
it was the right decision due to the pain physically and mentally. My fiancé can’t get past the fact we chose to terminate. Just this weekend we’ve had an argument becuase he’s feeling distant and it turns out he’s feeling sad and upset about the whole situation. I know he’s not forgiven himself about it and he doesn’t mean to be distant and feel this way he just can’t help it. We’re 10 months on and most days are good but those bad ones are hard to navigate through.

Original poster
Iz2710 · 24/10/2022 16:26

ive never gone through this before or been taught about it or how to get help afterwards. The clinic and their councillors were no help kept cancelling etc.

OP posts:
pepsirolla · 26/10/2022 09:56

Sorry to hear clinic unhelpful. Can you go to your GP and ask for referral elsewhere for counselling?

Arayes · 26/10/2022 10:06

I think you need to take ownership of your decision. He may have pressurised you but you ultimately decided to take the pills and end the pregnancy. He chose to have unprotected sex, but so did you.
I think you can't start to process it properly until you see it in a true light.

Original poster
Iz2710 · 02/11/2022 10:50

This is the whole point, I didn’t know I had a decision. it wasn’t a decision

OP posts:
Anytimeiseeit · 02/11/2022 11:15

Iz2710 · 02/11/2022 10:50

This is the whole point, I didn’t know I had a decision. it wasn’t a decision

What do you mean op? I’m not sure I understand

BobbyBobbyBobby · 02/11/2022 11:20

I am vehemently against abortion but that aside I wouldn’t want to stay with a partner that encouraged me to do something that we were both involved in that left me feeling utterly shite but he was completely unaffected by it.

Original poster
Iz2710 · 03/11/2022 08:22

I was told by him and some family members that it was the man’s decision and he has a big say in whether or not I keep the baby. However it wasn’t until after the treatment that I was told by other people in the same situation that it was my body and my choice and if he was fine with unprotected sex then he doesn’t get a choice in this

OP posts:
Everyoneandeverything · 03/11/2022 08:25

Crikey op, I can understand him wanting to express his opinion but telling you it was his choice? That’s really awful. Please don’t have kids with him, he’ll make your life a misery

BeBraveLittlePenguin · 03/11/2022 08:30

Iz2710 · 03/11/2022 08:22

I was told by him and some family members that it was the man’s decision and he has a big say in whether or not I keep the baby. However it wasn’t until after the treatment that I was told by other people in the same situation that it was my body and my choice and if he was fine with unprotected sex then he doesn’t get a choice in this

How old are you? Is there a cultural difference here?
In any event, bin him, move on. Do NOT get pregnant by him again.
I hope you find peace.

FlamingoRoad · 03/11/2022 08:33

These organisations may help OP -

www.msichoices.org.uk/other-services/counselling/

lifecharity.org.uk/had-an-abortion/

www.archtrust.org.uk/

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/11/2022 08:35

Dangerously unhealthy dynamic in place, do you have any friends or family of your own? Are you very young or otherwise vulnerable?

If you’re old enough to be having sex and have been told you were infertile it’s hard to see why you so unaware of your own autonomy. You have access to the internet as you’re here now.

I’m sorry you’re suffering, you should obviously end the relationship because you don’t seem to feel you can be in it and have your own opinions.

You presumably wouldn’t agree to any other medical procedures someone else wanted you to have?

huggy1982 · 23/11/2022 17:28

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