Would you contact him after 13 years?

[CloseEncountersOfTheTurdKind]

I graduated 13 years ago. I struggled a lot at university. My tutor thought I'd never get through the course at times, but he gave me second and third chances and I did. At the time I couldn't explain to him why it was so hard. But I wrote a diary at the time and I just found it and re read it and I'm so sad for that girl. He was mentioned a lot. It was such a factual account of what happened and how I felt. I wish he could have read it at the time. Getting that degree changed my life because I finally moved away from home to start work and away from the father who had caused me so much damage. Now I live somewhere different and I'm not in touch with anyone from those days. People who know me now would never believe the girl in that diary was me. But I just can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I just want to talk to my tutor, to explain and to thank him for not throwing me out even though I drove him mad. And also I think if he ever gets another student who behaves like I did he might have a better idea of how to approach the situation. Would you contact him after all these years if you were me?

Personally I wouldn't, no. It was a long time ago and could well be a lot to dump on him.
I think it's time to move on and let that bit of the past go.

I would not, though in the very small chance I met him, after 'hello', the first words would be thank you.

I don't think there's any harm in maybe writing a letter and thanking him for his patience and how it really helped you. But I'd be reluctant to put too much "heavy" stuff into the detail. I'm sure he'd appreciate a thank you letter though.

Thanks, it helps to have an outside opinion! I think you are all tight about not burdening him with heavy stuff! I'll have a think about simply sending a thank you letter. Maybe I need to find a counsellor or someone to talk to about it all to help me move on.

All right not all tight!

Why would he need to be told so he had a different way of dealing with it next time?

You say he gave you 2nd, 3rd chances and you got a degree that was life changing.

On the basis of the detail given, all he needs is a Thank you?

I wouldn't, no. It's natural to want to put all those feelings somewhere and look for an outlet for them but ultimately the person that got themselves the degree and got themselves through that, was you.

Whilst it is an accurate account of your own feelings at the time, it doesn't mean that it how this person views it and I would imagine it is more likely they don't remember it at all after this long -if you can get hold of them at all. Whilst you may have good intentions advising someone how to better deal with someone next time, I don't think that is your place. I'm sure he did as best as most teachers do to avoid students being kicked off courses and I expect a lot of them are hard work -lots of people have difficult home lives and things that affect their ability to learn. If you felt the institution dealt with whatever you were going through incorrectly then by all means write to them to say so.

It doesn't seem like it's really about him at all, and more about the fact that you are digesting some feelings on a period of time that was very difficult for you and for you he formed a part of that. You've done incredibly well in reshaping your life by the sounds of it. It's ok to feel sad for younger you, but I would keep the focus on what you have achieved, how different things are now and remind yourself that you did that work.

Thank you, that's really helpful

@CloseEncountersOfTheTurdKind if your tutor is a teacher by vocation, he might be very pleased to hear from you, if you send a "thank you" that is upbeat and positive. I agree with PPs who say, there is no need to share heavy stuff with him. But if you tell him that he changed your life for the better by sticking by you while many others did not, and that your life of today is so much better as a result, he may be pleased.

It sounds as though you also have some processing to do of your past sadness and hurt, in order to let it go. The tutor is the wrong person with whom to do that. Perhaps a therapist if you can afford one, and if you can find one who is good...

If I was your tutor I'd love to hear from you and receive a lovely thank you letter, understanding the long lasting benefits of the help he gave you and the fact that this was the beginning of you making a success of your life would be really nice to hear.

I would carefully word your message / letter so that it is clear you don't expect to open communication with him or even receive a reply and don't want anything from him now, just the opportunity to say thank you.

I'd say go for it OP .

I’m an academic and have helped many students get through a tough time. I saw the accomplishments of one of them online, and was so pleased for her. I wouldn’t mind if a student reached out. I was fortunate to have had an amazing lecturer who changed the trajectory of my own life. I’d have loved to have told him how he helped, but, sadly, he passed away. Your tutor may still remember you.

As an ex lecturer I would not want a thank you. We do what we can at the time and then move on to the next lot of students. I care about them all but emotionally let them all go when they leave! Without being bigheaded we assume we do make a difference to the majority of out students. NO need for thanks.

Therapist instead. You are an inspiration

Quite a varied response, it is good to get an outside perspective. I think it makes sense what you're all saying not to send anything heavy, but it's seems the jury is out on whether or not to write a thank you. I'll think about it a bit more. He does still work at the university on the same course, I looked at their website. So it would be possible to write to him. Sometimes it feels quite isolating being so separated from my past, but he's probably not the person to speak to about it!