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Original poster

If you knew you could only have 1 last conversation with someone

16 replies

backaftera2yearbreak · 15/10/2022 21:13

What would you say…

im going to see a friend in the next couple of days. She’s dying. It will be the last time I speak to her or see her. WTF am I supposed to say to her 😔

OP posts:
DamnUserName21 · 15/10/2022 21:26

Sorry to hear, OP.
I'd talk about shared happy moments and tell her what she means to you (if positive) and tell her you love her (if you do.)
Would she let you video a moment together at the visit, do you think? That's if she is able. A picture is great but it's so you can remember her voice.

PinkArt · 15/10/2022 21:52

If I could go back and see my mum again I'd want to tell her how much I loved her and how much I appreciated everything she did for me. So I guess I'd hope to have a similar conversation with a friend in the same situation. I'm so sorry for both of you that you are in this position. If at all possible I think I'd want to find some light in the darkness too - to laugh about dating mishaps or dreadful past haircuts etc.

Original poster
backaftera2yearbreak · 15/10/2022 21:57

I will definitely try and make her laugh if it’s appropriate at the time. It’s played a large part in the foundation of our relationship. I’m just so sad for her and her babies and husband. Anyway.

thank you for sharing those things with me x

OP posts:
Rushingfool · 15/10/2022 22:02

You tell her that you love her and what a difference she's made to your life/the lives of people around her. That you'll always remember her and smile.

Very tough for you, but I had a friend who died and these are the things I wish I'd said in my last conversation with her.

Original poster
backaftera2yearbreak · 15/10/2022 22:22

She definitely had a massive impact on people around her for sure.

thank you for sharing that

OP posts:
BlueBloodedBlue · 15/10/2022 22:26

Are you able to be there (geographicly) afterwards to support her DH and children? My fear would be gor hhem and to know a good friend was looking out for them would give me comfort.

BlueBloodedBlue · 15/10/2022 22:27

*for them

EarringsandLipstick · 15/10/2022 22:32

I think you take your cue from her. Not everyone would want to have such highly charged conversations in their final days.

Some people prefer to keep it light & normal, not to think of the finality of it all

I'm very sorry you are losing your friend. 💐

Fenella123 · 15/10/2022 22:50

She's the same person she always was, despite the fact she's very unwell with no realistic prospect of recovery. Do and say whatever makes her time with you (and after) as happy as can be.
It's all about her - as a PP said, take your cue from her and follow your instincts.

IME emotional deathbed scenes are the province of fiction - the dying people I've known have just been themselves but sick. There was no magic pivot point in their illness where they switched to an interest in confessing secrets or deeply concealed emotions.

It is however a tremendously odd sensation, to be interacting with someone who you know is not going to be there in the future with you. They're getting off the train of life at the next stop and you and everyone else is staying on. I've never got my head round that, even when they are very old and sick. Offering you a handhold through this OP.

jevoudrais · 15/10/2022 22:53

Tell her you'll be there for her babies come rain or shine ❤️

lightlypoached · 15/10/2022 22:59

When I spent time with my dad on his last evening we did a mixture of normal
Chit chat and some remembering of his favourite things. He wasn't able to join in but I like to think that he got the feeling of the time we spent together, and the essence of being surrounded by love and laughter.

As PP said, take her lead and try to relax. Is there anything particular on your mind that you want to share with her ?

I'm very sorry that you're having to face this. So hard

ZeppelinTits · 15/10/2022 23:14

I'm so sorry you're facing this imminent loss. Sad

My DS's Dad died earlier this year, he was ill but we had no idea he'd die the day he did and thought we had days or weeks left. Part of what made it so distressing was not being able to tell him I loved him, and thank him for everything he'd done for me and DS over the years. I did get to see him the night he died but I had no idea it was the last conversation we'd have.

In your shoes, I'd tell the person how much they were loved and reassure them of how well their loved ones will be taken care of and supported so they can go with an easy heart and mind. I'd reminisce about funny times we'd shared and mention the moments I'd most loved, or the things they did which I will always be grateful for. I'd also touch of hug them and gaze into their eyes, if that feels appropriate. Basically, affirm their wonderfulness and express your joy in them, and how they've made your life better by being in it.

Death is a very strange thing and I never really understood that until this year. Like someone said up-thread, there is something so poignant and almost lonely about knowing they are going somewhere where you can't follow yet.
I'm glad you'll be able to see your friend one last time, and I hope the meeting goes as you would wish. Flowers

Ladyofthepeonies · 15/10/2022 23:23

anything and everything, but also listen, what you say is important to you and them, but what they say maybe their last words to you, if they can let them speak. I’ve no recollection of my last words to my father, but I completely remember the last time he recognised me and spoke to me.

ElizabethBest · 15/10/2022 23:25

Tell her you love her and say thank you for being your friend. Tell her it’ll be ok, and you’ll think of her always. And most importantly, LISTEN.

We lost one of our friendship group to cancer last year. Having sadly been there before, I didn’t want it to go unsaid how much she’d meant to me, and that I loved her. We talked about her children. I told her how strong she had been in advocating for her children, and how proud I was of her, and promised I would tell them stories about her when they were old enough to understand. Our other friends weren’t ready to accept that it might be the last time and now their one regret is that they didn’t say anything.

There’s no wrong thing to say, just make sure you grab the chance.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m sending you a very unmumsnetty hug xx

ManAboutTown · 15/10/2022 23:31

It would be about shared memories and the positives of that. Remember the good times - we will all get to this point eventually.

Mercy1968 · 15/10/2022 23:36

I m sorry for you and your friend. I hope you feel able to say the right words, what is in your heart, everything she means to you, everything you love about her.
My dad died suddenly in his sleep last year.
I was the last person to talk to him (on the phone as I live 500 miles away) and obviously I didn't know it was our last conversation so we just talked about my flight to see him (it was days away) and how we were looking forward to seeing each other again after the pandemic.

We talked about our gardens and how I had broken my strimmer.
I wish I had told him I loved him and I appreciated everything he ever did for me.
I said those things at the viewing in the funeral home but it wasn't the same.

So please tell her what a great beautiful fantastic friend she is and how you love her and will never forget her.

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