I've had a few relationships in my 38 years, none of which have worked out. I've been in love twice and both times I was left in a terrible state that took me a long time to heal from. The first one turned out to be an absolute nutcase and took great pleasure in destroying my life. I was only in my twenties and was very weak with zero self respect. If it was now he wouldn't have got through my front door. Abusive cunt. The other was a decent man just unemotional but although I was left heartbroken he never meant to hurt me. The struggle I went through after that isn't something I'd want to go through again for a million dollars. But there you go. Other than these two I have rarely felt sexually attracted to anyone. If I wrack my brains I can only think of one other man I really, really fancied (as in I would literally start sweating when he was around) but it wasn't mutual and he was engaged, now happily married with kids. I didn't know he was attached and as soon as I found out I stamped out the fantasy if you like and from then on just saw him as another work colleague, I'd NEVER try and fuck around with another woman's partner. Other than that I honestly have never wanted anyone. Most people get on my fucking nerves and although I've spent most of my adulthood beating myself up over not bring able to "find him" I realise now that I read far too much Danielle Steel and actually even the most successful relationships take patience, compromise and tolerance and I have very little of any of these, especially having lived alone for so long and genuinely loving my own company most of the time. My Mum has always said you don't just have to take on a partner, you often have to take on their whole families. Fuck. That. My final relationship ended almost a year ago after a few months because I found him irritating, freeloading and needy. He was a good person and I cared for him as a friend so I stupidly tried to settle and just kind of hoped it would grow. I realise now that when I fired things up with him I was still in a terrible place mentally (recovering from Mr Unemotional) and it was selfish and irresponsible of me to get involved with anyone at all. I'm in a stronger place now and if I met him today it never would have started at all, I wasn't remotely attracted to him and was just very lonely and broken. I signed up to an online dating app a few months ago after having a mad moment and kind of a last stab if you like and honestly, there are so many dickheads on there. It's like crawling through a swamp. I hate them all. They either send me messages like "hey sexy, you're so beautiful" or the seemingly decent ones send half hearted messages that fizzle out after a few introductions. I arranged one date with someone but cancelled before meeting because his messages started to get a bit creepy. He got quite aggressive after I decided to back out so I blocked him. After that I arranged another with someone who seemed nice but after giving it some thought I sent him a polite message explaining that I had decided I was no longer looking for a partner and was going to focus on other interests in life. He was very gracious and wished me well. There was one guy who got in touch with me and I only replied because I actually knew him years ago and he's quite attractive although I didn't "like" him because I don't know him well. So I agreed to meet him out of curiosity... he cancelled on me, ignored my last message and disappeared for three weeks then got in touch again to say he was "free now" ?! I said no thanks, you're too flaky for me and the moment is gone but good luck in life. He got quite stroppy and still views my profile, he even felt entitled enough to send me another message to say if I'm still looking (he must have seen I was online when clearing out my inbox) I really should have taken him up on his amazing offer. I obviously didn't reply, although if I'm honest I quite enjoy that he felt stung as he clearly thought I would snap him up and be so grateful he returned to the spotlight to bestow his attention on me once again. Twat. I've quit now and don't bother replying or even reading anything I just delete them. I'm paid up until January because it was a 6 month offer but I'll obviously not renew and I've just resigned from the whole thing. I won't waste anyone's time any further and I won't be wasting mine. After what I've been through, seeing all these arseholes online and to be honest coming on here reading thread upon thread upon thread about women putting up with absolute mountains of shit from their partners it's all just completely put me off and I honestly can't bear the thought of ANYONE touching me ever again. The freeloaders, liars, cheaters, man babies. Mummies boys, gamblers, irresponsible fathers. Tightarses. Just useless, ick inducing fuckers everywhere. The list is endless. I know not all men are like that, there are LOADS of decent men. Some of my friends are in bullshit relationships and I don't know how they stand it but a few are in really solid partnerships and their lives are enriched by their husbands and not dragged down. One of my best friends is married to an amazing man and I love him as much as I love her. When we go out for drinks I invite him too lol the three amigos! I have male friends who are lovely husbands too. I'm not perfect myself by any means and have loads of faults but I would have made a good partner to someone, although what I was looking for was probably a bit rare. I don't want children and I doubt I would have ever wanted to live with someone. Just commit emotionally to someone who liked their own space too. As for sex I don't miss it at all overall anymore. I have certain private issues that have massively affected my sexual confidence anyway. Over the past year I've probably thought I could do with it only a handful of times. So I'd rather go without altogether than put up with someone wanting me to put out every other day or whatever. Just thinking about having to think of another person's needs feels like such a fucking chore. I just can't be arsed with it. I feel like something inside me has just gone. I had a really high sex drive in my late teens and twenties but now to be honest I'd rather have a bottle of wine or read a book. If Chris Hemsworth knocked on my door with a red rose held by his teeth I say nah you're alright mate but do you fancy a beer and a game of cards? I can't imagine feeling the slightest attraction to anyone and when my friends share photos (not often, just a few times over the years for a bit of immaturity and a laugh) on our watsapp group of say a reality star or whoever and crack a joke about his good looks I just can't relate to it at all. I think a certain handsome actor from Eastenders was a popular one and yes I can appreciate he is attractive but I don't feel anything. I don't fancy anyone. Nobody in real life, nobody famous. Literally nobody. A few years ago I called my Dad over to my house because I had to tell him someone on his side of the family had died, he sat on my sofa and said "What is it? Are you gay?!" For the record although I'm rarely with a man I am 100% heterosexual. If I was a lesbian I would have zero issues coming out it's nothing these days! I occasionally feel sad that I don't have a favourite person to cherish and love etc but other than Christmas (which is hard because I think it's probably the one time of the year where we all compare ourselves to each other and assume everyone is living the life of Riley) I'm just past giving a fuck. So do I sound asexual to you... or am I just a bit traumatised?