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Original poster

Can I just check I am right and not MIL

26 replies

elliejjtiny · 14/10/2022 11:55

So, normally we keep information on a need to know basis with the inlaws and they happily tell everyone they know that we are "living off the state", "on benefits" etc. The reality is that 3 of our dc get dla, the other 2 have SN but not severe enough for DLA, DH WFH self employed and I get carers allowance. We have tried explaining how things really are to MIL but it just makes things worse as she says dc are "not properly disabled" and we are "playing the system". So mostly we don't tell them anything.

Anyway. We are now living with them temporarily while we have much needed work done to our house (rented house so not our choice). Inlaws are now seeing first hand how things are and keep telling us we are doing it wrong.

In my mind me not working and getting carers allowance means I can run around after dc taking them to appointments, therapies etc. DH works FT but it's mostly flexible so he can do the school run etc and do less hours in the school holidays but often works evenings and weekends to make up time. It works well for us and we are lucky to be in a situation that works so well. We don't ask for help from inlaws although they do childcare for their other gc. But i don't mind that as we don't need their help.

DC3 has been offered support at school which means he has to be there 20 minutes early once a week. Brilliant news and the first session went really well. We juggled things around a bit so the dc who struggle with waiting didn't have to sit in the car for 20 minutes and everyone got to their schools/college on time. MIL kept saying that we are doing it all wrong and we should tell the school that if they want to give dc3 support they have to do it in school hours. Also she keeps telling us that dc3 doesn't need support anyway. DH totally backed me up and said the school wouldn't offer it if he didn't need it. DC3 absolutely loves going to the support group, mainly I think because they get food there as well Grin. There are other similar examples but if I tell you all about them all this post would be even longer.

I know I am right and as a carer for disabled dc part of my job is to make sure the dc get the support offered to them. But MIL is making me second guess myself.

OP posts:
LovelaceBiggWither · 14/10/2022 11:58

Your MIL is wrong as you must realise.

She'd get on well with my sister and BIL. We no longer speak.

MinnieMountain · 14/10/2022 12:00

Schools don’t exactly have a limitless supply of time and resources. If you DC is being given support, they clearly need it.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 14/10/2022 12:02

So why On Earth put yourself in the position of 1/ telling them the ins and outs of your life
And 2/ taking the lot of you there to stay

If rented accommodation needed you out to do work then they should have put you somewhere suitable

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Georgeskitchen · 14/10/2022 12:07

She sounds bloody awful and exactly the kind of person who is so blinkered they cant see anyone elses side. I'm guessing she is the DCs biological grandmother? Does she help you out in any way? I hope yoir house is ready soon and you tell her never to darken your doorstep ever again

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 14/10/2022 12:11

Of course she’s not right. She sounds like one of those man-in-the-pub types who has rigid opinions on things she knows nothing about. Just ignore the silly moo and do what you and the trained professionals know is right for your children.
Good luck getting back into your own house soon.

JustEatTheCake · 14/10/2022 12:19

So your children have been assessed by professionals for their DLA entitlement and I am guessing your MIL has no qualifications in this area. She probably isn't a school business manager either so has no understanding of school finances and how they are allocated to cover the extra care your child has been offered. I think that should tell you all you need to know. She isn't living your day to day reality and even though at the moment you are living in her house she isn't the one responsible for the children. It is all well and good commenting from the sidelines.

She needs to stop. Your Dh needs to tell her to stop. There have been times when my Mum didn't agree with the way my sister and I parented our children. Did she say anything? No, she made it very clear that she was there to support us, not pull us down no matter what she believed. She had had a very critical MIL herself where they ended up going no contact due to her snide comments. She swore we would never experience that.

CassandraBarrett · 14/10/2022 12:25

Yanbu.
Sounds like my mum telling me what to do about renting when she has owned a house for 40 years. As in , she has zero clue and a wrong and unwanted opinion. Ignore her

Original poster
elliejjtiny · 21/10/2022 14:46

Thankyou. I was 99% certain I was right but I was beginning to doubt myself. To answer a few questions, yes she is the dcs biological grandparent. We didn't get a choice in the house thing, the landlord said we had to get out while the building work is being done and inlaws offered to let us live with them. Council wouldn't help and neither would any other family members. The house will hopefully be finished in 2 months. And no, MIL is not a teacher or anything like that. She is one of those people who has a friend whose uncle's wife's cousin is a dinner lady so she knows everything about education. And repeat with all other professions as well. She also likes to tell people totally inaccurate information so while other people are hearing from her all about how we are "on benefits" and "playing the system" she will also be telling us about Great Aunt Mary who "says she's had a stroke but is probably faking it" and prematurely diagnosing people with cancer when they are waiting for test results on something that is almost certainly a cyst etc. She is currently "advising" us not to send dc4 to SEN secondary school because "he won't learn anything there" WTF.

DH has been backing me up in this and keeps telling her that we know what we are doing. Mostly I just ignore her. Sometimes I think about trying to educate her but I don't think there is much point really.

OP posts:
PauliString · 21/10/2022 14:49

MIL kept saying that we are doing it all wrong and we should tell the school that if they want to give dc3 support they have to do it in school hours.

Try the half-agreement thing. 'Yes, wouldn't that be nice? But this is what's on offer for the moment and it's better than nothing.'

EndlessMagpies · 21/10/2022 14:59

Your MIL can't bear the idea of having grandchildren who have 'something wrong with them' so she is in denial.

Stupid woman.

user1498572889 · 21/10/2022 15:05

@EndlessMagpies
Your MIL can't bear the idea of having grandchildren who have 'something wrong with them' so she is in denial.

This

Tsort · 21/10/2022 15:16

We didn't get a choice in the house thing, the landlord said we had to get out while the building work is being done

That doesn’t sound even the slightest bit legal, OP.

SnowFir · 21/10/2022 15:56

If you were her daughter she'd probably be happy with the arrangement, but because you aren't she probably sees you as a feckless gold digger out to take advantage of her darling son and the state. She's wrong and you're right.

NoSquirrels · 21/10/2022 16:03

We didn't get a choice in the house thing, the landlord said we had to get out while the building work is being done

LL has to pay to house you in alternative accommodation.

Are you still paying any rent at the moment?

I’m worried about your accommodation status!

Your MIL is to be ignored, on all matters, sounds like.

SeaToSki · 21/10/2022 16:08

Start playing MIL bingo. In the morning, make a mental list of the ‘wrong’ things she will spout off that day, and how many times she will repeat them. Every time you hear her say one, you get a point. If you get to x points then you get a choccie prize at bedtime. Get DH in on the game as well, it really takes the sting out of things

BruceAndNosh · 21/10/2022 16:14

It's hard enough to get support when needed.
The school isn't going to randomly offer it to anyone

Indigokitten · 21/10/2022 16:15

NoSquirrels · 21/10/2022 16:03

We didn't get a choice in the house thing, the landlord said we had to get out while the building work is being done

LL has to pay to house you in alternative accommodation.

Are you still paying any rent at the moment?

I’m worried about your accommodation status!

Your MIL is to be ignored, on all matters, sounds like.

This seems very odd. So your family of 7 are being housed at MIL’s??

theemmadilemma · 21/10/2022 16:19

To my knowledge (not experience) DLA is often hard fought for. On that basis alone it would suggest to me your MIL can fuck off.

Soontobe60 · 21/10/2022 16:20

The one thing she’s right on is that any support offered to your Ds from school should be in school time. What ‘support’ is he getting before school?

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 21/10/2022 16:47

What @EndlessMagpies said. 100% correct. Mil is in denial. Instead of being supportive she’s being obstructive. She’s an idiot!

LookItsMeAgain · 21/10/2022 17:18

I'd actually get to the end of my tether with MiL sooner rather than later and just tell her "MiL - DH and I know what we're doing. The school that the children go to know what they're doing too. The only one who doesn't know what they are going on about or doing is you. Now, I don't want to end on bad terms here but you don't know what you're talking about. I'd thank you to keep your comments about the welfare of our children to yourself, and by that we do not give you permission to talk about them to your friends or anyone outside these four walls. Now who is up for a cup of tea?"

CoraPirbright · 21/10/2022 17:29

Good grief she sounds ghastly. I would get yourself a calendar and mark off the days until you leave their house and then go v low contact. MIL is literally adding nothing but stress and doubt to your life

antipodeancanary · 21/10/2022 17:33

You know you are right re the school intervention. However you are wrong about not needing help from them as you are currently living with them.

thejadefish · 21/10/2022 19:03

SeaToSki · 21/10/2022 16:08

Start playing MIL bingo. In the morning, make a mental list of the ‘wrong’ things she will spout off that day, and how many times she will repeat them. Every time you hear her say one, you get a point. If you get to x points then you get a choccie prize at bedtime. Get DH in on the game as well, it really takes the sting out of things

Loving this idea, will use it with mine!

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 21/10/2022 19:22

You sound like you are doing a great job. You and your husband sound like a great team. Try to ignore the negativity and be proud that you are there for your children.