Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

How to get over career disappointment?

22 replies

Greekycheesey · 13/10/2022 21:28

(NC for this because it’s outing)

I’ve just got a new job. But I’m devastated. It’s another part time, flexible job to work around elderly relatives and childcare. Dh is the main earner. He earns 3 x what I could ever earn in my industry so of course it makes sense that he works full time and I take on the care work and paid work around the sides.

but I used to love my career. If I hadn’t got this job I was going to go for a ‘big’ job again. I told myself it was to hedge against the recession but it was also because I just wanted to be me again.

Truth is, I haven’t been ‘me’ for 10 years and I’ll never be that person again. 10 years ago FIL got early dementia. We are the only family he has. The kids were babies and I went freelance and have basically never gone back to full time work.

now I’m 44. I’ll never have a career again. I’ll never have my own money again. I’ll always be dependent on dh. And my kids are amazing and FIL needs companionship and it has to be one of us (believe me, we’ve tried everything else) and I love him too and I’m very lucky to be in this position I know I am.

but I also feel so sad and white bored and disappointed. It feels like i have so much responsibility but I’m also a nobody.

Does anyone else get this? How do you get over it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Greekycheesey · 13/10/2022 21:29

Aargh *quite bored (not white bored!)

OP posts:

Asparagoose · 13/10/2022 21:37

Me too. Stuck with kids and elderly parents, no wrap around care available, I really want to work but I just can’t. And the more DH gets promoted, the more the kids get put onto me. Every step forward for him comes at a cost to me, and I hate him for it. And of course as I get older I’ll be unemployable so I still won’t be able to go back to work when the kids are more independent. So I’m looking at starting my own business because nobody else will employ me!

Original poster

Greekycheesey · 13/10/2022 21:43

Yes, that’s the bind - becoming less and less employable.

whenever we look at it rationally it all makes sense but I feel so disappointed in my life. I never ever dreamed this would happen to me. I used to be so ambitious.

your business sounds amazing - what is it?

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Jobs

disappointed101 · 13/10/2022 21:48

I feel you. It almost causes resentment doesn’t it? I wonder if we can enrich our lives in other ways?

Asparagoose · 13/10/2022 22:07

your business sounds amazing - what is it?
I joined a local art group and they were really supportive about my work. I felt like an individual for the first time in years. I was able to exhibit some of my illustrations in art galleries where they have contacts. Now I’m planning to put my drawings on stuff like cards.

Original poster

Greekycheesey · 13/10/2022 22:46

Wow @Asparagoose that sounds brilliant. Must be a real confidence boost as well. it’s something that’s just you - not about pleasing other people.

i can’t even complain at home because when I do it feels like I’m complaining about the people I love

and dh always has some work stress that makes me feel both guilty and resentful. I wish we could swap and I could be the breadwinner.

OP posts:

Asparagoose · 14/10/2022 06:55

I figured if I’m going to be stuck at home why not do something that I wouldn’t be able to do if I had to work. I certainly wouldn’t be able to mess about illustrating cards which don’t pay the bills. So I’m trying to see it as an opportunity.

Dotcheck · 14/10/2022 06:59

How does it ‘ make sense’ for you to be unhappy? Does it ‘make sense’ for you and your life?

I get you love your FIL but why do you have to sacrifice your life for his?
Is there another way? Can he move in? Hire in some care?

KangarooKenny · 14/10/2022 07:00

You really very young, you deserve to have whatever you want.
FIL is not your responsibility, DH needs to see to him. You have a responsibility to your kids only.
Believe me, if you give up your needs for someone else, resentment will kick in.

Oblomov22 · 14/10/2022 07:10

This is not unresolvable. Could be fixed with a few small things put into place. So why don't you sort it step by step. What would Dh say if you told him all this. That you want that higher job but you can't see that happening because of fil. It's his dad! Surely he needs to help to resolve?

NegroniLover · 14/10/2022 07:28

I agree with the other posters - this sounds like a handy number for your dh - he gets the benefits of a stable family life with his ailing father looked after to boot & enjoys full impunity to advance his career. Surely he can see the disparity in your situations?
You need to have a serious discussion with him & lay it all out & see what his thoughts are. This will be telling.
I did 6 years as a SAHM & that was my dh's opportunity to throw everything he had into growing his career & he did.
Then it was my turn. I took a senior position after that 6 years & have progressed to another organisation since then. I am the main earner these days & our dc are older & we share the load more evenly.
It's really not too late! I was 48 when I got my last (super competitive) job.
But you need an honest conversation with your dh & changes will need to be made

Yayasisterhood · 14/10/2022 07:40

You have to remember you’re going to live for (at least) another 40 years. It’s a long time! Think about where you want to be at 64… and work backwards, would you still like to be working? What sort of job? What sort hours? How much time would you like to have do hobbies or travel or see friends?

Set out your dream scenario and then work backwards and then think about what should happen now to help get there.

You can’t swap lives with DH, you cant click your fingers and have it all be different but you can start making small changes each day, each week, to get to a different place. This might include:

making more time for hobbies
going on courses to do with your profession or skills to keep them current
volunteering for a place that allows you to use said skills
starting a creative project and committing 10 mins a day to it for a month
listening to podcasts that inspire you to pursue your interests
Making time with DH to set out your dreams and make a plan together about how you can pursue them
Holding yourself and DH accountable regularly on how you can make time to pursue your dreams.

it’s not too late. You might not have the ‘career’ you always wanted, but you can have a better, more fulfilling life.

Polimolly · 14/10/2022 13:17

What's your plan if your marriage ends? It might all look rosy now but it could happen. If I were you, I would be doing anything to build your career now, and if that means hiring help for your FIL, then you do it. I've had to do it for my own mum who also has dementia. You have to think of your future

Jenn3112 · 14/10/2022 13:21

Why do you think at 44 you will never have a full time job again? Unless your DH is a seriously high earner you are going to be working until you are 70 - thats still a long time to go. Either, be happy as things are, change them now, or use the time you have now to maximise your chances to go for a better job when your situation changes.

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2022 13:24

If I hadn’t got this job I was going to go for a ‘big’ job again.

Why didn’t you go for the big job in the first place? You do not have to take this job if you want a full-time fulfilling career position instead.

Your DH would need to adapt, including fir whatever FIL’s needs are.

You do not have to be bottom of the pile.

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2022 13:27

whenever we look at it rationally it all makes sense

Aka You keep making the sacrifices, dear.

Iamanunsafebuilding · 14/10/2022 13:28

I was self employed earning low wages so fit around the kids but decided to go back into full time employment at the age of 49. I applied for admin roles that I knew were well within my capabilities because I knew the workplace had changed while I was out of it and I didn't want loads of stress.

I took a role and 3 years later I've been promoted twice and now have a job that's both interesting and challenging. It's not a 'big' job but I earn pretty decent money and I've grown into the role.

It's certainly not too late for you but you will have to change something to make it work for you and the family.

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2022 13:29

If your DH earns 3x what you can earn in a ‘big’ career job in your industry, then you can afford to throw money at the caring situation.

FIL needs companionship and it has to be one of us (believe me, we’ve tried everything else)

Many people with dementia are well cared for by ‘strangers’.

BrutusMcDogface · 14/10/2022 13:31

You are 44!! I’m 42 and I don’t for one minute feel that my life is over, and “this is it, now” as you seem to!

I’m teaching part time which suits me right now, but I haven’t ruled out completely retraining when my kids are older. You won’t be as “needed” forever.

Doingmybest12 · 14/10/2022 13:35

Do those around you value what you are doing? Give you a break? Know it is important for you to be fulfilled ? I wonder if you could change the way you think about what you are doing with your life? Not saying you shouldn't want something else but we need to give more value to people looking after others.

Rotherweird · 14/10/2022 14:32

I agree that there has to be a way forward that prioritises your ambitions more. Yes there might be a financial cost but at the moment your happiness and fulfilment are being taken away from you. You feel sad, disappointed and like a nobody- that’s not ok.

DH needs to step in and do more of the care for FIL. Could he drop his hours? I am very skeptical when people say they can’t work part time in any given job. I work part-time in a job where it’s widely said to be impossible and believe me it works fine and I’ve continued to progress. It’s also a lot easier if you are already in a job as your DH is.

THisbackwithavengeance · 14/10/2022 18:42

Asparagoose · 13/10/2022 21:37

Of course you can work if you had to. Au pair, nanny, childminder, nursery, after school clubs, friends and family stepping up....

How do you think single mothers manage?

I get that it's easier for you to stay at home rather than faff around sourcing childcare but I found it odd that you "hate" your DH getting promotions and earning too much.

Flip