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Original poster

12 year old dd separation anxiety and panic attacks

17 replies

blackheartsgirl · 10/10/2022 21:59

In the space of 2.5 years my youngest dd has (like everyone else) has gone through covid,
however she lost her beloved stepdad, last July the trauma she endured over that as dh died very quickly if cancer in a hospice, dd was unable to see me for 2 weeks due to her having to self isolate whilst her dsd was dying, she missed my hospital wedding and only got to see him 2 hours before he died. Dd stayed with my close friend who went above and beyond for us.

my mum is now very I’ll with oesphagus cancer, I’m under cardiology due to a problem with my heart.

her bio dad has been awful to her, he and his gf got into a violent fight in front of her one night when she was staying and I had to go and fetch her at 3 am where I found her absolutely sobbing. Ever since then she has been very wary of her dad (she witnessed abuse to me when she was small and it’s triggered her ( there’s a
long story there) she’s now pregnant with her seventh child and he with his fifth and dd feels awful about this,.

this has now resulted in her having panic attacks over me leaving her even for 10 minutes, she doesn’t want to leave the house unless she’s with me, even tried skipping school so I’d come home from work. I can’t even go and have a bath because she panics that she can’t see me. She’s point blank refused to talk about her stepdad and I know she misses him because she Says she can feel him stroking her hair in the mornings sometimes and that she feels sad and sometimes she doesn’t want to be here. .

I blame myself for working full time, but I need to work to keep a roof over our heads, I’m not entitled to any help, I’ve checked.

the school are useless, there’s a very long waiting list for councelling. She needs to see someone urgently and I just not sure what to do. I will phone our gp tomorrow, not that I’ll get an appointment.

it’s breaking my heart seeing her close to breaking point, I’m at the end of my limit too.

OP posts:

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 10/10/2022 22:26

Anyone?

OP posts:

MrGruber · 10/10/2022 22:34

Sorry OP can"t be more useful atm but wishing you the very best as I had the same problem at that age after close bereavement and trauma & I feel so much for you having to fight to find DD help when grieving & dealing with health issue & your DM"s illness

All the very best , no doubt wise advice will arrive soon xx

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 10/10/2022 22:39

Thank you for replying.

can I ask was there anything that helped you a little even if it was something small.

im at the point now where I’m willing to pay to go private just to get her the help

OP posts:

Whitepouringglue · 10/10/2022 22:41

That's incredibly tough. What you're describing is horrific.

There are paediatric psychologists who might see her at a reduced rate if you just explain the circumstances. It goes without saying that she needs help. You might have to copy and paste an email and send it out many times. I would prioritise some good help over treats at the moment as you can receive specialist advice about how to parent her that will be important.

Can women's aid help in any way? Have you called the nspcc?

I wouldn't panic about her needing you all the time. Her body will start to feel more safe in time. I wouldn't talk about your heart issue. That's just too much for her right now. If she needs to check on you in the bath, no big deal for now. She's very traumatized.

Does her form teacher know what's going on? Is there a safe space she can go at school? Having more than one safe person might increase her sense of security.

Onceuponawhileago · 10/10/2022 22:50

Hello, I didnt want to read and run. I had extensive trauma as a child and although Im not a mental health professional maybe I can make some suggestions.
Firstly she has had multiple complex trauma so her fight or flight system is on high alert. It takes a long time for this to be released especially if she is panicking.
I would take it super slow and I would try to get a good grief counsellor if you could.
I would do so much touch if you can- maybe swimming together, massage, head rubbing while watching tv, it really turns down the adrenalin. Magically movement is also great so can you dance or even spin around together, it really releases emotion. The sadness will come, shes not letting it come up because its a big feeling and will be scared of where it will go. Being sad also means she has go accept her sdads loss.
If you want to ask me anything please do, I had lots of panic and its hard to manage but once you do its easy to work with. Sleep is huge and maybe this should be with you? Im sorry for your trauma and both of your loss. Hugs.

Onceuponawhileago · 10/10/2022 22:53

Oh I forgot to add, can you make bread together and is there anywhere she can just be in safe contact with a horse- just to put her hands on one and let it ground her? Sounds nuts but two very grounding things to do.

Haggisfish3 · 10/10/2022 22:54

Our local hospice offers free counselling to children. Have you tried them?

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 10/10/2022 22:54

Yes her form teacher knows what’s going on as does her head of year. As she’s relatively well behaved but talkative there’s an element of she’s fine in school and we haven’t noticed anything particularly wrong. All they can do is put her in a rather
long waiting list for talking therapy.

Another thing which I ve just thought off is that she had always hated change, ever since she was very small and she’s got a temper again since she was little.

my ds and my dd have adhd and asd and I have adhd so I do wonder if she is also struggling with undiagnosed issues.

I will certainly look into a paediatric psychologist and I honestly never thought of women’s aid. I’ve been to them before when ex and I were together but now we’ve been separated for a long time I thought they wouldn’t be able to help at all

OP posts:

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 10/10/2022 22:58

Yes she refused to engage with the hospice councillor because she was there was dh died and she couldn’t bear to be in the same building with her and she still can’t

tbh although the hospice were great at the time, the after care has been very hit and miss

OP posts:

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 10/10/2022 23:03

@Onceuponawhileago

thank you so much for this, these are great. I will try these. She’s found a liking for cooking so definitely something I will carry on doing with her.

i never thought about horses. I had a fair bit of trauma myself as a child and I used to spend my time at a local riding school helping out at the age of 12. Some of the happier memories of my childhood, horses are beautiful and comforting

OP posts:

Onceuponawhileago · 10/10/2022 23:15

Hello @blackheartsgirl Horses are magic, theres something extremely stilling for the body to be in the presence of a horse in a stable quietly. They absorb emotion and have a deep grounding influence. We have horses now and my kids go and talk out their troubles to them. For bread its the kneading and midfulness of that thats great for me. Would she try a kids body scan- lots on you tube. Do one together with candles. This is all about helping her regulate while you get better professional help. I wish you both comfort and peace.

Orders76 · 10/10/2022 23:21

I know it might seem weird but someone mentioned sleeping with you, and I think of that like safe sleep. If you can engage and offer her a couple of weeks of that, reducing the exhaustion will absolutely reduce the panic. I understand as I slept with the lights on until I was about 30.

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 10/10/2022 23:31

she does sometimes come in and sleep wwith me, she did after what happened at her dads and also after dh died.

I will have a look on yt for a body scan .

thank you all so much

OP posts:

Kabloom · 10/10/2022 23:39

No personal experience but have seen the work of this charity on TV https://www.winstonswish.org/ I hope you are able to find something to help.

Whitepouringglue · 10/10/2022 23:40

You might have an equine therapy center near you, worth a look.

Women's Aid will know if there's help you may have missed.

If the hospice therapy is still available I think I would insist that she goes with your support. It's like any other illness. Treatment is so necessary and could end up being really helpful.

I would go in to school and ask for a discussion.

dizzydizzydizzy · 10/10/2022 23:50

www.bps.org.uk/

You can find a child psychologist here. This is what my GP recommended for my DD.

So sorry OP.

TeenDivided · 11/10/2022 07:19

I'd definitely go private if you can afford it, this isn't just 'a bit' of anxiety.

My DD's MH dropped at the start of the pandemic (was on its way down before) stemming from childhood trauma. We also found benefit in Equine Assisted Therapy. We used this place www.caspianassistedtherapy.org.uk/ . DD did it for a year and then we switched to a more trauma informed talking / discussing approach (in our case funded by post adoption support).

This website might help you find a therapist www.bacp.co.uk/

The 54321 technique, & breathing exercises might help. We also do lists of animals in alphabetical order for calming. She's younger than mine, but your GP may be happy to prescribe a beta blocker suck as propranolol to calm the worst effects.

There is a childrens mental health board here on MN too.

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