Year 8 DS behaviour and school

[MotherFrustration]

Hello,
Any pearls of wisdom much appreciated. DS is in year 8 and over the last 6 months has had a change in behaviour, particularly at school. He has never really enthused over school, however his behaviour wasn't an issue. He has become disruptive (low level mostly talking), not following instructions, poor choices and is hell bent on making his friends laugh, even if it means he gets into trouble. He makes all the right noises at home and says he wants to change but then we have the same issues again.

Friendship group doesn't help but it seems that he wants to chatter and be silly regardless of which friend he is with.

Head of year has noticed and made contact with me to say she is monitoring. He knows what he needs to do but chooses not to. I have access to his school reward chart so can keep an eye.

I've talked to him, told him what the future might hold if he doesn't knuckle down, tried to encourage, reminded him of the positive things he has achieved but its almost like self sabotage.

We have taken his mobile phone away until I see an improvement and he was not allowed out with friends this weekend. The understanding is that he will be allowed out with friends again once his school reward chart improves.

He does rugby out of school and is very active, screen time is limited as a rule anyway. Bedtime is 10pm. Academically, he is average. He does seem to find school work a challenge at times but then also, when in the right frame of mind, does some great work.

Please can anyone offer any advice or reassurance. I am so worried that he is going to go down a bad path. It almost feels like he's heading that way anyway. Thank you.

Op have you considered adhd? My son has this and is similar. Medication has REALLY helped

You are doing all the right things, keeping in touch with the school, giving consequences, communicating with him etc..
It sounds like he wants to be the class clown, that’s usually attention seeking behaviour. So my guesses are he’s either
A feeling short of attention somewhere in his life.
B (this is more likely) he simply enjoys the attention from his peers when he acts the fool.
And don’t underestimate the peer pressure thing, the one thing a lot of them crave at this age is to be popular!

It’s tricky and I don’t pretend to know the answers.

Thank you for your replies. @MissHavershamReturns I had suspicions during primary school and a school nurse did observe him for an hour and felt there were no concerns. I have booked an appointment with the GP so will explore that more. Thank you.
@MissyB1 thank you for your reply. I'm scratching my head with regard to where we go but will keep being consistent. If only the appeal of behaving was as strong as the appeal of being a likeable joker!! Thank you.

@MotherFrustration In most areas the wait in the nhs for adhd assessment is currently 2-3 years. Would there be any way you could afford a private assessment?

@MissHavershamReturns I didn't realise it was such a long wait! I've just googled the costs. Yes, we would find the money. Is the GP still the right starting point or do I cut that bit out and go straight to a private healthcare company?

@MotherFrustration I will pm you

I could have written much of your post also about my year 8 son. We had very little problems at primary school but since secondary there’s been low level misbehaviour.

I don’t want to pathologise what could just be normal adolescence. I don’t know whether to take him to the GP (the year coordinator has suggested this).

So I’m not sure what to suggest OP but you’re not alone!

@PeterPomegranate So sorry that you are going through this too. His chart is showing low level disruption today and we've talked endlessly this weekend about not talking during class time and to just get his work done. He left the house this morning with such a positive attitude, I was convinced that he was going to give it his all and try to reign it in. I'm so annoyed that this stupid behaviour has crept in again.

@MissHavershamReturns thank you. Really appreciate it.

A bit random but are his eye tests up to date? Maybe consider a heating check while you're at it. Probably completely irrelevant, but easy things to rule out.

10pm seems late to me at this age but I think we are quite conservative. Does he wake up easily enough in the mornings?

It's not unusual for boys of that age to become a bit giddy and attention seeking as they try to find their way with the lads in their year. Often the most looked up to guys are the greatest messers but they do grow out of that.
Is there anything he is looking for; new rugby boots / want to go somewhere special etc so could promise him those if there is no further complaints. But try not to panic as he will mature and hopefully cop on.

Hi op I could have written this about my D's, he is slightly older year 9. I know he gets distracted easily and whilst not the instigator he is involved. Yes to the low level disruption and he has now had his first detention. My D's is intelligent and could do really well but puts minimum effort in. I am going to have a chat with him after school, he is very sensitive so no doubt will get upset.

I don't know what to do with him, I can't make him behave at school. It's like I don't really know him No advice I am afraid as I am lost, just showing solidarity.

@Mykono Eye tests are up to date, he went during the summer holidays. Will look into a hearing test. Yes, he wakes up at 7am and gets up quite easily. I feel that he has enough sleep but am always interested to hear what time other 13 year olds go to bed. Maybe an earlier bedtime might be a good idea to trial. Right now, we'll try anything.
@junebirthdaygirl I really hope he does grow out of it. QUICKLY! Thank you for your reply.

@Battlecat98 I'm sorry that you are going through this too. I feel exactly the same, I would love to be a fly of the wall at school sometimes to see what he is doing and what initiates it and what his friends are like. I feel like I have the naughtiest child in the world. Being rational, he isn't. There are far worse out there but it's every day.

Well I have just messaged his teacher to ask what it is he is doing, so I can address it later. When I ask him 'its never his fault ' you know that saying youth is wasted on the young, I was similar at school and took the long route to uni. I really wish I could have applied myself better at school and wish my ds could see this to.

I dunno if it would help, but I would try and explain that he is harming other kids’ chances by doing this. It’s not funny wanting to learn and not hearing the teacher answering a question because someone else is talking. Or missing out on an explanation because the teacher is telling people off. how would he like it if someone deflated all the rugby balls before practice or kept kicking them over the fence during practice time? He is making things worse for others in the class - some of whom may have tough lives… yeah me and DH were the class nerds…

I know kids have limited self-awareness, but I’d try and get him to understand the deeper reason behind why he needs to behave - it’s not about being fussy or towing the line. It’s about giving everyone else in the class a fair opportunity to learn. It might not work but I guess it’s worth a try - I’m dreading when mine get to that age.

I'd stop your punishments tbh. Taking his phone away etc. when you punish in this way, poor behaviour becomes worse as you've given him - literally - nothing to lose

So I'd loosen the reins a bit there. Give him his phone back and continue to enforce a bedtime / devices out of room thing but don't go in all guns blazing. No Jed to try and make him go to sleep at 9pm or whatever

It's very normal for them to start messing about in class at this age. It's not right but it's normal for some. Continue to work with the school, continue to stress to your son the benefits of behaving in class etc and try not to overreact at this point

Mine is nearly 16 and has been that low level nuisance in class, can't be bothered with homework etc etc. otherwise a very nice boy! But very annoying.

I deal with him by allowing the school to dish out their own punishments, I speak to him about silly behaviour and I tell him how proud I am of him when he does something sensible. I don't remove possessions

So , for example, I will remind him to check for homework. 'Yes yes' he will say. I'll then say ' well you know it's there to do so please make sure you do it otherwise there will be consequences at school'

I then don't say another word. And when he gets a demerit or detention for lack of homework, I just say ' oh dear. Probably best to do it next time eh?'

I was tying myself up in knots about making sure he did it. I now realise that at some point they have to deal with consequences themselves so I make sure I'm there for support and advice and then .. I give space

So try a slightly more hands off approach. Lots of positive reinforcement, lots of support for the school and just see how you go

I think you are doing all you can. When the head of year says monitoring what does this involve? Is he on report?

@Namenic thank you for your post. I've tried that. The streaming system runs A to E (A being top set and E being bottom). He is in C for majority of his lessons and from what I can tell there are a lot of like minded students. The students who wants to learn are in A set.

@ChocChipOwl Thank you for your post. You are spot on, I feel that there is no difference in behaviour on a day whenI have nagged at him versus a day when I haven't and I have wondered whether I am making the situation worse. He needs to realise there are consequences but its ruining our relationship because i feel like I am always on his case. I will re-read your post in a bit as a lot of what you said resonated with me. Thank you.

@ReginaGeorgeismyname brilliant name by the way. No, not on report. Checking in with subject teachers, visiting him during lessons to observe what is happening. Being a presence (if I've understood correctly). I have found her to be very understanding and supportive which I am grateful for. I'm guessing report might be the next step.

I'm a secondary teacher OP and we always seem to see this type of behaviour rear its head with boys especially in year 8 and then improve in year 9. Seems to be a combination of growing confidence after year 7, possibly puberty hitting for some, increasing importance of friendships over family relationships, classic teen rebellion.

Obviously could look at ADHD but could be fairly typical teen behaviour.

I would try rewards as well - reward improvement even if not perfect.

What did the head of year so she was going to do?

Year 8 can be tough. What measures are classroom teachers putting in place? A chatty / low-level disruption issue can usually be fixed by sitting the child in the correct place. For “class clown” types, sitting in either right under my nose or in the back corner can fix it. And making absolutely sure that they aren’t sat next to anyone they actually like, of course!

Middle sets are often a pain in the neck. They can be a horrible mix of “bright but lazy” and “weak but hard working” students. It makes pitching the lessons incredibly difficult.

Of course. Move seats and it’s all sorted 🤨

I suppose, in short, just back away and do some low level parenting. Positive, highlighting good behaviours, addressing poor behaviour but in a low key kind of way.

I went for a walk with my DS earlier. He spent a full 20 minutes moaning that he'd received a detention for being told 3 times last week to tuck his shirt in at school. Inwardly I was thinking ' tuck your fecking bloody shirt in then! It's not difficult! I say it every morning as you leave for school! The rules are clear and if you can't be bothered to bloody follow them then you'll get detentions!!!'

Outwardly. I did some 'mmm-ing' and mildly said 'well, those are the rules as we are fully aware so it's up to you if you want to continue leaving your shirt untucked. You get to choose, love, but it does come with consequences that you'll have to navigate. I'd like you to tuck your shirt in but I can't make you so you can decide for yourself as you're old enough now at nearly 16.'

All said nicely and calmly and then I changed the subject

If I'd have gone off like a rocket and argued with him, we'd have had a horrible walk, a bad evening and an argument and the outcome would have been worse. And I would not have 'won'

Choosing to 'under react' I show I support the school but also let him know that his actions are his alone and he needs to think about this stuff

Maybe this only makes sense in my head

It makes perfect sense @ChocChipOwl
Thank you all for your comments. I feel reassured that I am not alone and have some good suggestions of things to try. I will read through all of the comments properly now.

Thanks again.