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Original poster

Being blamed for my reaction, AIBU?

15 replies

Fangirlsh · 09/10/2022 12:49

My partner is being v v difficult. I’m 21 weeks pregnant and we just went to the 20 week scan. He’s recently upped his drinking so it’s now bouts of binge drinking and has days where he quite literally barely speaks to me. We had booked Thursday and Friday off last week to go away for the night and unfortunately I was unwell on the Thursday, so we had to cancel. He went off with his friends for the day and came back at 9pm, I was too unwell to leave the house so had limited food etc, just felt really lonely. The rest of the weekend I felt much better but he’s barely spoken to me. I lost my cool on Saturday and said he was an alcoholic, self obsessed etc. Swore at him. It’s not the first time that’s happened but it will be a case of he will be shit to me for a few days then I can’t take it anymore…he will stop being awful but then look down on me, saying I’m so over the top and nasty to him. It’s horrible as I’m not like that, maybe I am, but I don’t want to be I just can’t take his temperament which is ever changing. I don’t get it. Been together 3 years and he’s always drank and been withdrawn at times but nothing like this at all.

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 09/10/2022 12:50

Why are you with him? I'm sorry, @Fangirlsh he just doesn't sound supportive at ALL. :-(

Original poster
Fangirlsh · 09/10/2022 12:53

@mamabear715 we had a good relationship generally, we are not that young and probably both set in our ways a bit but generally were really happy. I really respected him and we had lots in common.

I just can’t understand this awfu behaviour. And now I’m no better am I :(

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/10/2022 12:54

Abusive men often step up abuse when their partners are pregnant.

It's safer for you to get rid of him now, rather than subject your baby to all the risks and you the abuse that comes with an addict in the home.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2nd trimester Families General pregnancy Relationship problems
Original poster
Fangirlsh · 09/10/2022 12:55

@NeverDropYourMooncup he doesn’t drink everyday but most days. I’ve just noticed hes started getting drunk which I’ve never seen before. Random drunk moments and then just really really cold with me. I try and be patient and then eventually lose my cool and just go mad at him which then makes me the worst one doesn’t it. I don’t feel as able to be calm as I used to, the pregnancy has taken its toll a lot. I’m not making excuses.

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 09/10/2022 13:00

@Fangirlsh You do sound as though you're blaming yourself, please don't, his behaviour is obviously affecting you.
I don't know, I'd love to be able to say something hopeful, but I just see red flags waving.. do you have family / friends to talk to?

Original poster
Fangirlsh · 09/10/2022 13:01

@mamabear715 he says I’m the awful one as I get so upset and angry which I do. But it doesn’t come from nowhere, it’s after weird behaviour from him that I struggle to cope with

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 09/10/2022 13:09

Oh op! Why are you having a child with this man? Let’s face it, its not going to get better is it - a child will only make things harder. I’m so sorry. Please don’t blame yourself for his drinking and general uselessness, that’s all on him. You need support right now - if he won’t step up (and from what you wrote I doubt it), I hope you have family and friends to be there for you. And a decent job.

LIZS · 09/10/2022 13:15

The relationship sounds toxic. His behaviour triggers yours. Please consider how a young baby, taking your time and attention further away from him, may make this worse.

Snoredoeurve · 09/10/2022 13:17

Fangirlsh · 09/10/2022 13:01

@mamabear715 he says I’m the awful one as I get so upset and angry which I do. But it doesn’t come from nowhere, it’s after weird behaviour from him that I struggle to cope with

This is a toxic behaviour
Reactive abuse.
He pushes you until you snap and then Bingo!
You are the mad, bad one
Very common

roarfeckingroarr · 09/10/2022 13:18

Did he want a baby? Sounds like he isn't coping with the news well and that's manifesting in him being a wanker

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/10/2022 13:20

Fangirlsh · 09/10/2022 12:55

@NeverDropYourMooncup he doesn’t drink everyday but most days. I’ve just noticed hes started getting drunk which I’ve never seen before. Random drunk moments and then just really really cold with me. I try and be patient and then eventually lose my cool and just go mad at him which then makes me the worst one doesn’t it. I don’t feel as able to be calm as I used to, the pregnancy has taken its toll a lot. I’m not making excuses.

Of course it doesn't make you the 'worst one'. It's convenient for him to make you feel that, though, as it gives him yet another reason to get pissed and be a cunt to you, especially as being pregnant means he thinks you're now trapped and dependent upon him, so won't leave if he gets shitfaced.

Dump and escape.

Otherwise, it's your baby who is at risk, not just you.

30mph · 09/10/2022 13:21

Reality check time. It doesn't get better. It will get worse. Time to act is now, put your child and yourself first.

Torturedsoul · 09/10/2022 13:29

His behaviour won't change once the baby is here and if anything likely to escalate and then it is not just you but a baby being subjected to trauma.

My ex was like this. The warning signs were there and I wish I had left when I was pregnant when I saw them. It is so much harder to leave once the child is here and it gets harder and harder as they get older. There would have been so much less to get over had I left sooner and less that my precious daughter had to witness. I'll never forgive myself for that.

itsgettingweird · 09/10/2022 15:01

The question you have to ask yourself is

"You I want my child to grow up witnessing this?"

The answer is obviously no.

Therefore as hard as it is you have to leave.

Autumntime2022 · 09/10/2022 15:08

This is going to be a lot worse for you when you are sleep deprived and hormonal after having your baby, get out now and get some support x

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