Violent/aggressive teenager (if you been through it)

[Wintersun22]

Hi im just wondering if you have (no) family support no partner. Father has no involvement. Professionals ignore you don't take you seriously.

We are talking about a teenager who is bigger and stronger than you . What did you do, how did you get through it?

I'm asking people who have been or are going through it. Not people who say well if it was me I would... or think they know the answers. Or think you just make a phone call /email and your on the road to it being fixed. Sorry if that sounds harsh. But its very hard when people think they know the answers and think its as simple as a phone call. So I'm just wondering how other people have managed who (are going /have been through similar)

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.

I have been there but fortunately did have a husband and some good family support.

The thing that made the most difference learning how to diffuse the situation early. Arguments between me and DC1 would always escalate as we are as stubborn as each other. I really had to learn how to calm the situation before it reached the point of aggression.

I know you say a call/email won't help and I totally agree.... it takes hundreds of calls and emails to get someone to take notice! Have you tried social services early help? They got us a barnados support worker who spent a lot of time with him talking about anger management and coping techniques.

Utilise help from school and their pastoral workers. Ours had their own counsellors onsite although he never attended enough to see them but if school attendance isn't an issue you may find some help there.

Is there any diagnosis for additional needs? One of the reasons DC1 struggles to regulate their emotions is ADHD - which wasn't diagnosed until a couple of years ago.

They are now 18 and whilst still can fly off the handle with 5 seconds warning they are no longer violent or aggressive. There is always hope and a light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes early help. Closed the case . Even though I was honest about how he has Been even he admitted to being aggressive/violent. Smashing things uk scaring younger children etc.

CAMHS discharged him before seeing him said thry tried to contact me they have not. I had complained that was acknowledged. Nothing since. I chased it up still nothing.

I also contacted police nothing came of that either.

Yesterday he got very aggressive verbally threw a big plastic box down the stairs with lots of stuff in it this was because my daughter was playing music whilst she was tidying her room and he did not want her to. But its OK for him to have music on. He tries to be very controlling.

How old is your daughter? If she's a child it may be worth contacting social services for help, with the emphasis on her being in danger. Otherwise they won't care.

My teenage DD was violent, attacking us several times weekly and wrecking the house. She's autistic, and things got bad for her in the teenage years.

She was seen regularly by CAMHS but they were useless. They told us to call the police!

SS didn't want to help either. Eventually we were referred to a specialist psychiatrist who put her on the medication that CAMHS were reluctant to prescribe (for reasons unknown), and she's so much better now and managing to go to school.

I'd still advise SS, though. You can self refer. I was advised this when I started a thread on here at the height of our problems. I was advised to keep on at SS. They may not be interested, but be persistent. Be prickly, ask awkward questions like "How much violence and assault is acceptable in the home?" because the answer is obviously none.

I was advised to take DD to SS and leave her there. They might threaten to report me for child abandonment, but to say I didn't care and would be happy to outline in court how I'd begged for help but been left in a violent situation by SS. It's often the crisis situations that lead to agency involvement which end up leading to the help from CAMHS.

I didn't have to go down this route as we got the psychiatric help in the end, but perhaps it may help you. It's awful, I know. I feel for you.

Good luck 💐

I meant to add... that advice I was given was from someone who'd been in that position.

I also meant to say that school were on board, and independently contacting CAMHS, SS and other agencies on our behalf which helped us get the referral, so make sure you talk to them.

In a nut shell I have done all this no one gives a toss.

Cahms discharged before even seeing him. So I'm making a complaint. Shich do far has been acknowledged but then ignored. I won't put it past them for them to either reject altogether or make us start the wait all over again.

I'm very tempted to put a camera in the house. I don't know how to do it so it won't be seem though probably impossible to be honest. But sometimes I wish they could actually see what i/we go through

I went through it but from the opposite end. I was the teenager. Honestly there was nothing anyone but me could have done to change me. I ended up back in care then a halfway house then a council flat age 16. If your teenager won’t engage and doesn’t see a problem there’s nothing you can do. It might even escalate things further.,

I’m struggling with this too at moment. Does your child apologise after? Mine does and they feel guilty but it’s like he doesn’t have the control needed to stop himself. It’s so hard. I hope you get some help.

Hes 16 in March. So I don't know what would happen to him if I put him in the care system. And I honestly don't want to.. I can't do that to him. But I can't carry on like this either. I just want him to stop I want things to be normal.

He does not apologise. He did hear me and my other daughter talking about it yesterday. And he then messaged her. And said just because bhe does not say sorry does not mean. He is not. And I said that I understand some people find it hard to say sorry but there are other ways. Such as just stop doing it.

These people know. They’ve been there. Call them.

www.pegsupport.co.uk

In case it helps - the criteria for Early Help changed at the beginning of October. A child being violent / abusive in the home is now a qualifying criteria where it wasn’t before.

My (adopted) daughter could be aggressive at times from when I first had her at nearly eight and by the time she was about 14 or 15 she was completely out of control.
She wasn't bigger than me, in fact considerably smaller, but didn't hold back at all. There was also stealing, damaging the house, screaming and swearing at me, running away etc. Police were here 2-3 times a week sometimes. She went to court several times and in the end to a youth offending facility when she was 19, I think, for assaulting me. It hasn't happened since, but I haven't actually seen her for about ten months. We speak several times a week.
Her younger sister was similar but was not as physically aggressive. I couldn't keep her safe because of the continual running off so at 15 I put her back into care.
She is now 18 and came to stay for a while but every couple of days would have a meltdown, screaming and swearing, but refuse to leave. So I had to call the police again to turf her out of the house.
I have quite a serious health condition which is affected by stress and tiredness, but that's not the only reason I take a hard line with them. It's domestic violence and no one should have to put up with that.
We had had years of input from CAMHS and children's services and nothing really helped so I would say call the police, every time.
I'm sorry you and other posters are going through this.

Meant to add that my dd2 was initially in a care home of about four young people, not far away, but was moved to a very rural location about 50 miles away because she kept running away, to a home where she was the only young person for a while, and then joined by another girl. The staff there were fantastic, knew how to handle her, and there was nowhere to run off to.
She's better than she was but her behaviour can still be unacceptable, which is why I had to kick her out again.

Check out Yvonne Newbold on facebook OP - also SEN VCB (violent and challenging behaviour). There are some good support groups out there.

I work in this area - child to parent abuse. I would second pegs - they run online support groups so you can get some peer support and do some other good stuff. Also get in touch with Respect and your local domestic abuse organisation. They can provide safety planning and emotional support. They may also run the Respect programme for young people.
It is really tough. And if a young person doesn’t see the need to change, it’s really hard for professionals and parents. But you are not alone and there are people out there who will support you.

The important thing to remember is safety first - if you feel you’re at risk of harm or somebody else is (including your child) call police on 999, look up how to make a silent 999 call, keep your phone charged and on your person as much as possible and have an escape plan (know where your keys are, where you could go etc.).