Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

If you have gone no contact with a family member can you please help me to do the same

19 replies

canttakeanymore · 07/10/2022 22:29

I'm writing this after having the first panic attack of my life and I can't calm myself down, I can't seem to stop crying, The way I feel right now I wouldn't care if I just didn't wake up tomorrow. I will come back and write what happened today and what has been happening, But for now to take my mind off everything, If any of you have walked away from your family/ a family member, What was the final straw for you? What made you finally walk away?

Hoping any answers make my decision a bit easier to deal with as I feel very alone right now.

Thank You.

OP posts:
Thisiscrazyshite · 07/10/2022 22:37

Hope you’re ok? Please reach out to rl friends if you can. If you can’t I hope you can reach out here and get support.

I went NC with my father. I grew up in a house of domestic violence. I kept in contact with him to keep the peace for years. When my first dc came along, I decided he would be better off not knowing my father. I wanted better for my children. Best decision I ever made and no regrets. I had feelings of guilt at the start, but that faded and I feel free and happy in the knowledge my DC’s don’t know this toxic person.

Stay strong 💐

SpinningFloppa · 07/10/2022 22:41

She done something completely unforgivable involving my children, I could not forgive her for that. Over 2 years no contact now.

SilentHedges · 07/10/2022 22:54

I've gone NC with my Dad, my Mum and my Half-Sister. No regrets, other than not doing it sooner. Each one is a long complex story, so I'll try and do bite sized sections.

Mum: Left me when I was 2 as she had better things to do apparently, although her version of events is my Dad was violent, so obviously you'd leave your 2 year old with him, right?! Saw her a bit in my childhood, lost contact, at 32 I decided to get a private detective to track her down, bad mistake, total sociopath, I didn't confront her, just told my half sister I never want to hear anything about her ever again.

Dad: Crap childhood, violence from him indespersed with mental health issues. In adulthood he constantly needed money, couldn't be bothered to work or sort himself out. Final straw was he inherited from his Father, totally ignored me and went NC with me, as he now had lots of his own cash, then spent the lot, then sent me a worthless cheque (pretending it was cashable) for 20k to try and get back in contact with me. No chance.

Half Sister: Despite the fact we had a good relationship with no issues, she didn't invite me to her wedding and let me find out by seeing the pics on Facebook. She came out with a lame reason (another long story) and I told her our relationship was damaged beyond repair and I cut contact.

OP your decision is personal, but life is immeasurably better without toxic people.

BackToGoingOnHoliday · 07/10/2022 22:59

My family have gone no contact with me. Long story, it’s really really hard, but I’m better off without them. Their reasons make no sense. As I said - long story.

I would be in contact, if I could, but the decision has been taken from me.
Stay strong, look after yourself. X

AltheaVestr1t · 07/10/2022 23:02

Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. Family trauma runs really deep. Good luck x

Tealpoppy · 07/10/2022 23:10

Im nc with my whole family

they are toxic,narcissistic,hate women and tried to destroy me as a human being

theres a lot more to it-but I’d be here for weeks explaining it all

i was the scapegoat-Google narcissistic families-they do exist

it all came to a head over a £30 phone bill-they’d conned me out of tens of thousands of pounds,so I don’t feel too bad for not paying it (I do owe it still,but I’m not paying it)

i just very calmly changed my number,blocked them on sm and told a flying monkey that I wanted nothing more to do with their toxic,narcissistic,lying,bitchy selves anymore-and left it there

my way of thinking was,that I wouldn’t allow a friend or partner to do this to me-what gave them the right,just because we share dna?

it sent them into a tailspin-and 11 years on,they still try to get to me (I moved away in the end)

some people believe their lies (that I’m mental and belong in broadmoor)

some people believe that I’m in the wrong for cutting all contact (I don’t care-these people don’t pay my rent)

some people think I should make peace with them (er,no thanks)

some people believe the lies that they’ve done nothing wrong to me (they are that thick,they don’t understand that nobody walks away from loving families but people walk awayfrom pain,hate,evil and toxic relationships)

I’ve been chased down the street by their flying monkies,I’ve had people banging on my door at 3am,death threats,people repeating their lies,poison pen letters,hate on sm,people trying to keep tabs on my movements and reporting back to my family-the list is endless

i have people around me that love me,will always have my back and understand why I don’t want to know and respect my choices

its been a long hard road to get where I am today-it’s so hard having to swallow the lies that are being told about me but it was either them or me

i chose me

Catonthedesk · 07/10/2022 23:17

Total sympathy. Not anything like as bad as some on here but enough to put me on tranquillisers at times. Have had therapy in the past and seeking more now. Big hugs x

SilentHedges · 07/10/2022 23:29

Tealpoppy · 07/10/2022 23:10

Im nc with my whole family

they are toxic,narcissistic,hate women and tried to destroy me as a human being

theres a lot more to it-but I’d be here for weeks explaining it all

i was the scapegoat-Google narcissistic families-they do exist

it all came to a head over a £30 phone bill-they’d conned me out of tens of thousands of pounds,so I don’t feel too bad for not paying it (I do owe it still,but I’m not paying it)

i just very calmly changed my number,blocked them on sm and told a flying monkey that I wanted nothing more to do with their toxic,narcissistic,lying,bitchy selves anymore-and left it there

my way of thinking was,that I wouldn’t allow a friend or partner to do this to me-what gave them the right,just because we share dna?

it sent them into a tailspin-and 11 years on,they still try to get to me (I moved away in the end)

some people believe their lies (that I’m mental and belong in broadmoor)

some people believe that I’m in the wrong for cutting all contact (I don’t care-these people don’t pay my rent)

some people think I should make peace with them (er,no thanks)

some people believe the lies that they’ve done nothing wrong to me (they are that thick,they don’t understand that nobody walks away from loving families but people walk awayfrom pain,hate,evil and toxic relationships)

I’ve been chased down the street by their flying monkies,I’ve had people banging on my door at 3am,death threats,people repeating their lies,poison pen letters,hate on sm,people trying to keep tabs on my movements and reporting back to my family-the list is endless

i have people around me that love me,will always have my back and understand why I don’t want to know and respect my choices

its been a long hard road to get where I am today-it’s so hard having to swallow the lies that are being told about me but it was either them or me

i chose me

@Tealpoppy Your line about not allowing a friend or partner to treat you so badly, so why should family. That reminds me of some advice my therapist gave me.

Me: I can't cut contact, they're family.

Therapist: Who exactly made up the rule that you have to stick by your family, whatever they do?

Me: I'm not sure?

Therapist: Toxic families made that rule, so they can keep behaving badly towards you.

Tealpoppy · 07/10/2022 23:33

@SilentHedges i think I read it somewhere,not long after going nc and it stuck with me too

i might share dna with them,but nobody has the right to treat anybody like shit on their shoe

im my families eyes,I’m lower than that and I refuse to put up with that

im worth so much more than they are-and they know it,which is why they are desperate to drag me down

RosalindsAFuckingNightmare · 07/10/2022 23:42

I had to go nc for my own sanity because of a close family member's behaviour and lies. It was very hard and I had counselling to deal with it. But I, as others up thread have said, had to put myself first. No regrets, the situation was what it was.

Original poster
canttakeanymore · 07/10/2022 23:52

the problem i have is that we all live so close to each other, my entire family all live within ten minutes of each other. They are not the type to walk on by if we see each other in the streat. I feel like in order to have any peace in this life I need to move far away but it's not that easy.

OP posts:
Catonamountain · 07/10/2022 23:53

How does you cope when family member is very elderly? They've been affecting your life for decades so you really can't go NC? Sorry, not wanting to derail the thread but it's so interesting reading people's stories as very relevant toy situation and we all want to know the right answers and others opinions don't we?

Catonamountain · 07/10/2022 23:54

canttakeanymore · 07/10/2022 23:52

the problem i have is that we all live so close to each other, my entire family all live within ten minutes of each other. They are not the type to walk on by if we see each other in the streat. I feel like in order to have any peace in this life I need to move far away but it's not that easy.

Sorry, OP we cross posted and I don't want to derail your thread. Hugs to you, so hard x

Original poster
canttakeanymore · 08/10/2022 00:03

Catonamountain · 07/10/2022 23:53

How does you cope when family member is very elderly? They've been affecting your life for decades so you really can't go NC? Sorry, not wanting to derail the thread but it's so interesting reading people's stories as very relevant toy situation and we all want to know the right answers and others opinions don't we?

same here.. family member in question is elderly

OP posts:
ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 08/10/2022 00:26

I did it with majority of my family without even trying. I stood up for myself once against someone who already treated me awful and got away with it for years. When I eventually called them out on it things went quiet with the rest of the family (scared to rock the boat!)

its lonely at the start and around times like Christmas and birthdays but the peace of mind is worth it and the calm around me is lovely

SilentHedges · 08/10/2022 07:40

canttakeanymore · 07/10/2022 23:52

the problem i have is that we all live so close to each other, my entire family all live within ten minutes of each other. They are not the type to walk on by if we see each other in the streat. I feel like in order to have any peace in this life I need to move far away but it's not that easy.

OK, I get that's difficult to be living so close, and that they're likely to be confrontational. It's easy for me to say move away, I realise it's not always easy, but I guess you have to ask yourself if the option of staying put with them, forever, is an option. If it isn't you have to move.

With regard to one being elderly, I personally don't think age has anything to do with it, if they're toxic, they're toxic, and I'd go NC regardless.

Hugs to you all the people with families that don't deserve them.

Lovelyblue · 08/10/2022 08:50

We went nc with my brother he was vile, abusive, toxic and violent. He would cause arguments regularly. we gave him
a place to stay and be was being verbally abusive on numerous occasions. All came to head once day and I just told him to tell his girlfriend to come pick him up. He went round telling everyone it was me treating him bad. My own mother still lives in a fantasy world, her little boy can do no wrong and she enables his behaviour ( but that’s a whole different thread)Haven’t spoken to him since. I’ve grieved for the relationship we will never have. I’ve learnt to put boundaries to protect myself, my children and husband. Family doesn’t mean you have to put up with shitty behaviour.

Parishcouncil · 08/10/2022 11:38

Sorry you are being made to feel
like this @canttakeanymore

The final straw for me was an email from my ‘sibling’ full of fabrications, lies & deceit (it only had one paragraph in!) proving our parents’ had lied about me and lied to me. It also confirmed by his denial that he had been gaslighting me for years.

I compiled a list of all the acts the 3 of them had done to bully & ostracise me (from the memory of 6/7 years of age) and as soon as I got onto my 5th A4 page, reality hit.

I would never imagine doing even just one of those acts/situations to my child, let alone more.

Quite simply, they are no longer permitted to hurt me any more or get to my child. It’s up to me to ensure her mental health & physical well being is cared for and nurtured. I am not giving them authorisation to dismiss, belittle, bully, scapegoat, vindicate, separate me from anyone now.

Each day I get a bit stronger. Hope you are as OK as you can be.

FlappyLoo · 08/10/2022 12:07

I went Nc, itwas an improvement in my mental health that made me go Nc, before all sorts of horrendous awful shit would be done to me and I'd think oh it's my fault etc I'd been away for a couple of weeks and I started to feel better for the first time in years and just thought I don't need to deal with this anymore.

I ended up moving away fairly quickly after that, changing phone number and name as I just didn't want to be dragged back into that ever again.
Whatever going on I wish you happiness, its something we all deserve and as others said you end up putting up with so much from family that you wouldn't from friends and for what?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page