how to downgrade a friendship - the opposite of Wendy I think?

[IANBUAmI]

School run/carpool mate. let's call her Janet. She is sweet enough. We chat and gossip a lot (live in a small town) but I didn't think we were particularly close friends but I think she thinks I am a better friend than I feel I actually am, if that makes sense.

Janet has 1 DS. I have 3 sporty/busy DC - none of which are same year as her DS who is not particularly sociable. My DC do not like Janet's DS v much. He is hard to interact with.
Janet's DS and my DC have gone to different secondary schools. Janet has also gone through a divorce meaning she is off with her new DP or on holiday some of the time but also needs some childcare help at others. E.g she needed me to watch her DS for a whole day one weekend. I said we had people in for lunch and she asked why he couldn't join in for lunch too. Ended up being slightly guilted into having this DS by her for 12 hours on a Saturday.

Janet WFH and is often asking me over for coffee, out to dinner.
I am super busy with my 3 DC, working, sport etc. and just feel like actually apart from neighbourhood we don't actually have that much in common.
I get a sort of heart-sink feeling when I get an invite from her.
I know she would be sad if she knew this but I have other friends who understand that my life is busy and don't just expect childcare etc.

I feel like I am always saying "oh no sorry I can't" to her.

What would you do in this situation?
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Keep on declining until she gets the hint probably but I'm conflict avoidant 🤣

I'd just be really busy all the time, particularly when it comes to childcare favours. If she asked me outright I would just my life is busy and I'm tied up with work/dc etc (which it sounds like you are).

You can obviously be friends with whom ever you wish but you come across as a snob.

Do her a favour and explain you’re not up for meeting. Honestly, it’s kinder than keeping her hanging onto hope of being your friend.

Not having much in common with someone is not being a snob.

I'd just keep declining. She'll get the message. Eventually!

If you're not enjoying the friendship, that decline the invitations. Don't give reasons as it seems like she's good at getting around them

"That's kind but I've got too much on at the moment, I'll be in touch when I'm free to meet up."

would be my reply.

E.g she needed me to watch her DS for a whole day one weekend. I said we had people in for lunch and she asked why he couldn't join in for lunch too. Ended up being slightly guilted into having this DS by her for 12 hours on a Saturday.

And this is pure "No, sorry" territory imo. Twelve hours?

Just keep politely declining.

Gosh
It's so tricky.

I think I’d keep declining and maybe add something like you’ve got a crazy busy month coming up.

Maybe that was Janet There is absolutely NOTHING snobby in OP's post.

I have someone like this and I am envisaging a frank convo. Along the lines of 'I wish I could be friends with all the lovely people that I know but the truth is, I don't have the capacity to be a good friend to my longstanding friends, so I find it difficult to spend time with new people when I haven't even got round to texting my existing friends'

I have had to have this conversation in the past as the truth is, I just can't justify saying yes to all the invitations to drinks, camping weekends, 40th birthday piss ups on top of all the family commitments, extracurricular, work webinars and everything else in between. It's not personal.

Also school mum friendships rarely endure - I have 2 keepers, so sometimes the time and effort is better spent on relationships that need your attention.

Which part sounds like she's a snob??

@declutteringmymind what it is to be popular eh 😀

Not really. Just lucky to be around lots of people that I wish I could be friends with but don't have time.