I sometimes consider if I am autistic, but I’ve always referred to myself as a huge introvert. I don’t socialise very well, I had a bad childhood and didn’t learn basic skills on how to communicate or build relationships. As a result I struggle in every day life and constantly feel judged or gossiped about behind my back.
The reason I know it’s me that’s the problem is because in every job I have had, there has been an issue between my self and colleagues. I get very overwhelmed by having to mix with people all day and force myself to speak and get involved. when I prefer to be quiet and invisible.
This makes colleagues think I am a snob or angry with them and causes an atmosphere because I go quiet and shut down from the exhaustion of forced conversation. I’m not rude to anyone, I always speak when spoken to and swap the pleasantries of how are you, have a good weekend and so on. I just haven’t got the big personality and confidence of others.
Within weeks of any new job I begin to despise my colleagues. Even when they’re genuinely lovely people I find lots of faults that irritate me. It’s not their fault, it’s all me. I try so hard to build a working relationship but no one bothers with me because I’m quiet and odd.
I left my last job 2 months ago because the colleagues were chatting in a large group together and purposely leaving me out. It began to get nasty and they’d call me names, so I left. My previous job before that resulted in bullying that almost became physical because I was being taken advantage of in a way that would result in my manager being sacked, so they pushed me out. I loved my current job up until recently. Everyone was welcoming and made an effort with me. Eventually they too began to shut me out of conversation even when I’d try and include myself I would be ignored. I am now lumped with the jobs everyone hates while they talk about their weekend plans and ignore I am even there.
I know being in the background is my preference but it’s hurtful that no one will be friendly with me for long. I definitely don’t purposely make anyone uncomfortable, I don’t have it in me to be rude or unkind. I do my job well and help everyone (even when I’m not thanked for doing their jobs for them) as I wanted to be accepted as part of the team.
I want to leave this job too. Which would mean 8 jobs in 3 years. My CV will make me look unreliable and unemployable. I know I’m a good hard worker I just can’t bond with my colleagues very well and I don’t feel comfortable explaining this to them. I just give up and accept I’m not part of the crowd once again.
Can anyone advise what I can do to stop this keep happening please? I know I have to work regardless and it makes the day drag slowly when no one will talk to me. I have forced myself to start up conversations but they answer and walk away to start a conversation with someone else and have their backs turned to me. In this team they treat each other for birthdays with a collection. I put money in the tin for a colleague’s birthday a week after I began and wasn’t thanked. It was my birthday yesterday and I didn’t receive anything. I didn’t expect to as I’m new but there was talk of another collection for another upcoming birthday. They know my birthday. I wish I could work from home and not deal with anyone but unfortunately it isn’t possible. Any kind words please?