Men I’m attracted to never like me

[TwentysixV]

im feeling a bit down and wondering if anyone can relate/has any advice. I’m 26 and never had a boyfriend/sex or done more than kiss strangers in nightclubs. I’ve been on online dating apps for ages but all the matches/likes I get are from men who I don’t find attractive from their photos (I know that sounds shallow, but I feel the initial attraction is important). I’ve been on one date with a guy from hinge and I thought it went ok-was a nice conversation but not flirty (and looking back I think he was wanting to leave early) but he never messaged me. I messaged him after and he replied a couple of times then stopped replying. No one ever approaches me or messages me to ask me out. I think I’m just not good looking. I’m quite slim and have been told I’m pretty by other women before but very rarely by men. I’ve been told I’m quite unusual looking before too (as a compliment though I think) I’m quite shy/awkward too and tend to make people feel uncomfortable. I’ve never been friends with a guy and had it lead to anything. I’m starting to feel quite hopeless. I really want to find a partner but don’t see the point of going out with someone im not attracted to. But I seem to rarely meet anyone I fancy and if I do then they are either not single or clearly not interested in me. It makes me sad to think of everything I’ve missed out on, or when I see all the interest my attractive friends get from guys. There is a single guy I kind of know, who I find attractive. I saw him on tinder and swiped right but he didn’t match with me so he clearly isn’t interested. I keep thinking if I looked/was different things would be better. Anyone relate? Has anyone ever felt unattractive and never had any interest from men then ended up in a happy relationship?

Hi OP I think you need to come off the dating apps for a while. Focus on widening your circle of friends and meeting people in real life. Take a class, start a club, attend any and all social invites you can, ask friends if they have any single pals, etc. I know that's all easier said than done when you're busy and there's a cost of living crisis but I just think apps are very shallow and if you're someone who isn't up for a fling or maybe comes across as wanting a serious relationship then that can make it very difficult to get dates.

I'll hasten to add that I got together with DH just before Tinder et al took off so just basing my opinion on what friends have told me, not personal experience.

Hang in there. I remember those lonely days when it feels like you're the only single one left but they're not forever.

Why not give some of the men who do 'like' you on the dating sites a try? Photos can be misleading and people often look and feel very different in real life. If you still don't fancy them when you meet in person, then nothing's lost, but at least you tried. Odds are you will like one or two of them, if you try many.

I agree about throwing your net wider and meeting as many new people as possible, try new groups, hobbies, courses. At the same time, I'd also find ways to work on your self confidence and try to believe in yourself. Trite as it may be, don't try to be different as someone out there will love you just as you are.

I was like you at 26 OP. There weren’t online dating apps when I was in my 20s, but I met a few people through the Guardian classifieds () but it never went beyond the first date. I just didn’t feel like I clicked with anyone. In the end, I just thought fuck it, I’m just gonna forget about meeting someone and enjoy hanging out with my friends, doing what I wanted etc. Just before I was 30, I met someone at a wedding and we’ve been together over 20 years. I would definitely say don’t just settle for someone you’re not attracted to.

OP I was single until I was 25. Mostly due to bad social anxiety I think, however it’s a really horrible feeling to be lonely and wonder if the one for you is out there. It’s easy to feel like your different to everyone else which is also an awful feeling, when your friends all have their first romantic experiences in their teens. I’m sorry your going through this OP, and I know how shit it feels, especially if your around friends who are coupled up… I haven’t really got any advice, met my partner by chance really, if I wasn’t with him I would probably still be single now at 30.

Your probably more attractive than you realise, I think it’s very easy to be critical about yourself and this will effect your self esteem. Instead of looking at things wrong with your appearance try to focus on the things you like about yourself and use makeup/ clothing to emphasise these things so you can feel more confident about yourself. For example I don’t like my lips, I think they look too small but I do like my eyes so I use makeup to emphasise my eyes and then I feel a lot more confident.

Sending you awkward internet stranger hugs and positive vibes via mumsnet 💐

I’ve been on online dating apps for ages but all the matches/likes I get are from men who I don’t find attractive from their photos (I know that sounds shallow, but I feel the initial attraction is important)

I’m going to sound really harsh but I mean this in the kindest possible way. You’re getting frustrated because the men you’re swiping right on aren’t matching with you, presumably because they aren’t feeling that initial attraction to you. But you’re doing exactly the same to the men who are swiping right on you, who you discount because you aren’t feeling an immediate attraction to them. Why should the men you fancy give you a chance, when you’re not willing to give anyone you don’t fancy a chance? I have a male friend doing the exact same thing you’re doing. He gets frustrated because all of the gorgeous women with good personalities aren’t willing to give him a chance, but he’s not willing to take a chance on someone who doesn’t look like a supermodel.

What you’re doing now clearly isn’t working for you, so if you want things to change, I think you’ve got two realistic options here. You can come off the dating sites and concentrate on real life interactions, starting with friendships, and try and meet someone that way, or you stay on the sites and start broadening the range of men you’re prepared to date. Accept that some men aren’t particularly photogenic, or able to make their personality shine through in twenty words, but that you could really grow on each other if you met in person.

One of the biggest mistakes I made regarding men was only bothering with guys that I thought were attractive or some kind of sexual chemistry. All the good ones passed me by and smart girls who put much less emphasis on someones looks are happily married to successful men who went on to become good fathers and partners.
I ended up with a narcissist and had children with him

Listen to this advice. Looks fade! Personalities and souls attracting are wayyyy more important. I'm not saying date someone who repulses you, but date who you consider a 6 or above in attraction and look for a deeper connection

It is and isn’t weird. There’s nothing wrong with being single or waiting for the right person. But it’s a tiny bit different that you’ve never had a connection with anyone at all, ever…or done anything beyond a kiss. Maybe it could be worth exploring what’s holding you back from dating subconsciously?

I don’t think looks are that important for women cause those that aren’t perfect or conventionally attractive date. Same with men. Maybe it’s just a confidence thing with you.

I’m a few years younger and have met guys through school, college, uni, work and social media - and through people I know from all above. If you’re not having luck finding anyone, maybe you could give the others a chance as your standards could be unrealistically high and you could be missing out on a connection. With my DH, he definitely became more attractive the more I got to know him.

Also maybe there’s something about your profile that’s turning people off. Could be worth posting a screenshot here or asking your friends in real life to look and give feedback

One more thing, not to be nasty but are you possibly punching in your standards for guys? Do the guys you like, like you back?

Generally speaking, what’s your type? And what “type” do you fall under?

For me, certain things in men are non negotiable. But I know I’m not going to pull an athlete with a perfect body and model looks and perfect life etc as I don’t mirror that.

This kind of thing accounts for a lot of the LTB type threads.

I would say don’t worry about punching etc. just swipe on as many people as you can reasonably be bothered to chat to and see what happens. You may not click with some of the ones you deem attractive online but then someone you meet in real life who’s photos did nothing for you may make you melt in real life!

Why don’t you try different websites where you can chat to people but don’t have to ‘swipe’ or declare you are attracted to someone first? You might give more people a chance then.

Sometimes you can chat online to someone and they are funny or interesting or a bit different, even if they are not physically your type in a photo.

Also I have found that most people are better in real life than in their photos. I’ve never found an issue with someone posting old photos from when they were younger or slimmer. And you can’t often tell until you meet up anyway!

Yeah. 'Oh the spark wasn't there!' Fuck the spark.

OP, I am of an age Before Dating Apps so I will probably sound like a dinosaur. But you need to do what we did before dating apps existed and get out and about and meeting people. Work, hobbies, church, orchestra, choir - whatever it is that you enjoy. Make friends, and don't think too much about dating. Friends often have other - single - friends. And please, please stop judging people on their pictures on dating apps. If I'd seen my partner on a dating app, I wouldn't have looked once at him, never mind twice. We met via a shared interest and he's the loveliest, funniest, nicest man in the world - plus I still fancy him like mad after 10 years. But I wouldn't have fancied him in a million years before I got to know him.

I had a friend like what you describe OP. Not sure if this is relevant but I used to secretly think you're simply trying to get the 'best' looking men out there but you're not quite the same stereotypical ' good looking' girl yourself. She remains shallow to this day. I'm wondering if this relates at all? She's never had a long term partner & the longest one that lasted several dates turned out to be a good looking gay guy 😞

We're now approaching 40 so I assume she'll sit likely end up settling anyway as she wants dc. However as pp have said you don't have to settle necessarily but I'd definitely consider if you're looking for the type of guy that would overlook you in the same manner that you are overlooking a lot of men.

I'd also as pp have mentioned consider the benefit of being with someone that is ok looks wise to you and who has a nice match personality wise (rather than extra good looking on paper only)

I met my OH on Dateline where you were sent a list of prospective matches based on a questionnaire. There was no photo but you could ring and chat or they could ring you. I found igot on with a lot of men and enjoyed chatting and meeting for a drink. Current partner since 1994 was "number 9"

I'm not certain, but I don't think my husband had the best FB photo back when I met him. In fact, I inadvertently met him in an online hobby group, and inadvertently blanked him in the chat.

Then by wild coincidence, I met him in real life. He recognised me from the group. He thought I was REALLY COOL (his mistake). And seeing and meeting him in person, I thought he was REALLY COOL (my mistake).

Fifteen years later, we are wiser, correctly no longer think each other are cool, and have great chemistry.