Am I ill, lazy, depressed, unmotivated?

[Interestingmauve]

I've worked for 35 years. My only breaks two maternity leaves.

I now have a senior(ish) management position and throughout my career I've cared a lot. Always been highly motivated and considered a high performer. Barely had any sick leave always been first to volunteer for extra projects.

I've found, since Covid (during which DH died, so I imagine that's had an impact) and as I approach the possibility of retirement (I'm 53) I really don't care about work. I do enough so that no disasters happen, but I probably delegate too much, take a sick day with things I'd have gone in with before, don't have any drive to seek out new projects or raise/use my profile. I'm not enjoying it, but I can't "make" myself be like I used to be.

Is this an after effect of Covid (I don't think I'm the only one where I work who still hasn't quite got back in to it)? Due to the prospect of retirement/knowing there's unlikely any more career progression for me? Maybe menopause? Or am I actually unwell and need to seek some help?

See your GP. It could be menopause. It could be other stuff.

Do you think it's the job you are doing that you've lost the motivation for, rather than the prospect of working at all? I'm not in exactly the same position but am very much the type of person who wants to perform at work, and in the past when I've found myself coasting it's usually because the role has run it's course for me.

But don't be too hard on yourself. You've gone above and beyond before. To be honest, now it sounds like you are doing what a lot of people do at work - get it done and go home! The way you've described it doesn't sound like depression, unless you are finding the same feeling in all aspects of your life. More like you've lost your mojo a bit and need a new focus maybe?

I agree I feel almost depressed about work (and managing the house, actually, motivation has gone for that too) but I'm still proactive in other areas of my life. I'm still interested in clothes and I'm still organsing social events, for example, so I don't think I'm suffering with depression.

I think possibly the job has become stale for me, but I've looked around a bit and find myself thinking "but why would I want to take all that on, when I can have such an easy life?". In the past I would definitely have gone for the new challenge at this point.

This was me in the couple of years before I retired from a similar position, also bereaved.

I was just bored with work, bored of the constant fighting (for funding) the endless trivia that once seemed important. I was also sick of being taken advantage of. I got things done so it was always me who got the shit projects.

Bereavement also made me look at how short life is.. too short to waste if you're not happy. Change it.

I retired as soon as I could. Reevaluated life in general and now prioritise me and my health and happiness sometimes.. for the first time in years.

You're not ill OP, life has changed and getting used to it is hard x

Can I ask what age you retired and what you're doing with your time?

Financially, I could retire now and I think that may be part of the problem. I never realised I was motivated by money, but now realise the earning power was a large part of what drove me. I don't need it anymore. I find myself thinking well if it all goes wrong I'll just leave.

However, all the retirement plans I had involved DH. I have some interests and hobbies, but I don't know where I'll get the sense of purpose and achievement that work (used to) gives.

I was 54.

I just do more of things I enjoyed before really. I do meet friends ( several colleagues also retired) for coffee/lunch but not every week.

I have hobbies I do more of, I also try (and often abandon) new ones

I guess is just do what I did when I was on leave from work but all the time!

We do travel, and plan more of it.

I think being able to enjoy a day at home is important.. you can't be busy all the time.

I can honestly say I haven't regretted it for a second.

Hmm you say "we" travel. I don't have anyone to travel with. DH is gone, DC are busy with their own lives and Al my friends are still working.

I can go alone, but it's not the same.

Also, I enjoy my hobbies but they don't have the same sense of purpose/necessity that working does. I worry I might never get out of bed or off MN

@meateatingveggie , you could be me ! I'm exactly the same except I 'retired' about 4 years ago. @Interestingmauve , I don't think you're depressed either - if retirement is a possibility, have a good think about it. What would you like to do / learn / see ?
Is part time a possibility ?

@Interestingmauve , cross post. I'm about to go away on my own, for a month. I am married but dh doesn't want to retire yet.
You could try going away on your own ? If you want to that is, or ask friends about their availability ?

I think it's entirely different when you you've got a choice. Different to plan one solo trip to retiring "to travel" and knowing that you'll be doing all of it on your own.

OP, is going part-time an option? It would give you the chance to get used to doing more non-work activities, whilst retaining the familiar routine of work.

I understand what you mean regarding choice. I think your post resonated with me because although I've been very happy since giving up work, the past few weeks I've been wondering if I'm ill or depressed and it's not like me. That's why I booked to go away. To get some space to see what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I'm 54 and feel the same as you. I don't feel depressed but just can't be bothered. My job is interesting most of the time, but I don't feel much motivation anymore. Dd has gone off to Uni and I really want to get rid of the house, find a nice apartment and ditch all the years of accumulated crap. I've just been on holiday and had a lovely time, and have plenty of social plans lined up, but work and shopping and household shit, nah. Maybe the menopause, or like you I have worked FT for 30+ years and I am tired.

Somewhere I once read that menopause brings clarity. I'm 58 and been through some horrible things in the past 10 years. I think it's you just can't be arsed to put up with the drama and bullshit any more and not so bothered if people don't like what you've got to say. I'm very sorry for your loss, bereavement also brings a new perspective.

Yes. It seems so final to stop though. I'm already aware that even if I wanted to move jobs, my age will make it difficult. Getting back to work after a break now would surely be impossible and I could have another 35 years to go 🙂

I'm 50 & have lost my work drive too.

I separated during Covid & my dad died too.

This morning I was acknowledging in my head that my motivation for work is low. It just feels like overwhelming dirge (NHS).

But I had my children later in life - they are 13 & 9 so cannot think of retiring, or going part time.

You sound burnt out. It happened to me after Covid. I'm still working but just go through the motions. I'm only 37 though so retirement isn't really an option for me.

Can you take a sabbatical and spend some time doing things you love? Might be what you need!

I've found that, as I've got older, I've developed a case of "couldnt-give-a-shit-itis". My younger friends get worked up about politics, worry about looking good, give their older kids a hard time about what they're doing etc. I don't. I haven't had your sad bereavement but DH has got Parkinsons so, the things we might have otherwise done will not be happening. Instead we moved two years ago after 25 years in the same house, then rented and have just bought and moved again last week. It was not our big plan but it's certainly kept us busy! I needed to get DH moved to somewhere secure and settled and to use the money we got from our house sale for something solid. We also bought a holiday home/rental just under a couple of years ago (I know, evil second home owners) and that has been hard work but a pleasure. This is not necessarily relevant to you but I think, as you get older, it's important if possible not to spend too much time on work you don't like and to get your home how you like it.
I also enjoy swimming btw!

NC for this and firstly I send my condolences for the loss of your dh

I totally relate OP this could be me
Same age too and close bereavements too (inc an adult child several years ago)

I feel the same as you and didn’t know whether I had what is called ‘complicated grief’, depression, menopause etc

Ive always worked, always enjoyed working but the past 2 years Ive felt like you. I have no motivation and just feel as though Im now just going through the motions.

I explained this to GP who put me on HRT and for a while felt so much better but not sure if it was mind feeling that it would cure any problem and solve anything

its been great but Im back to my ways and will spend my days off laying on sofa or in bed. I dont think Im depressed but my ‘get up and go’ has ‘gone and left’

Ive dropped a day at work, financially Im not rich but have paid off mortgage, downsized (best thing I ever did) and have minimal outgoings so appreciate that especially in today’s climate I am very lucky

I just dont feel pleasure anymore. Im like a robot and am constantly tired and want to sleep. I want to go back to doc but its horrendous getting an appt now and tbh I just cant be bothered

The hrt has been my first step but I know its up to me to do the rest

No one has any clue of how I feel. I have adult children and divorced years ago and happy to be single forever. Just me and my dog and I want to change but no clue how to

@Interestingmauve I hesitated before I said 'we' travel because I wouldn't do it on my own. However travel is just a tiny part of it all.. unless you're constantly travelling the world there's a lot of time to fill not travelling.

The thing is your job isn't making you happy or fulfilled..and you don't have to do it for the money. So all it's doing is filling your time. It won't get better either.. I really couldn't have given less of a shit about work by the time I left and I'm sure it was becoming obvious.

Please don't waste your life.. change jobs to something more rewarding if retirement is too soon. But I think you'll just sink deeper if you carry on.

I think it's a combination of all of the above. This sounds like classic menopause symptoms but you've also got the added hit of Covid / lockdown fatigue and the death of your DH added on top. I would definitely speak to your GP about it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think life has dealt you a rough hand I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. Could you take a career break? At least that way you haven't permanently closed any doors.
Did you you take much time off after DH died?
My mum died this year and I feel pretty much the same as you do, only I'm 38 so I know I'm not menopausal, I'm just jaded.
If I could financially give up work now I would. I'm putting plans in place to retire early because my mum was young it's really changed the way I feel about things.
The good thing is you have options, maybe take some extended leave to see if you enjoy it and the reassess how you feel.

Firstly very sorry for your loss of your DH, do you feel you have sufficiently processed this? It jumped out at me from your initial post but you don't seem to focus on it as much as I'd expect , possibly because you're now at peace with it.

In terms of retirement and filling your time, it's good to do things you enjoy but also good to feel you are being productive or helping others and being part of a community.

If you like people this can be quite easy by volunteering, if you don't it can be a little more difficult. How do you feel about pets? In particular ones that would need proper care and attention such as a dog? A dog can easily become your entire retirement - a companion, a reason to get out of bed, a need to exercise and a way to be sociable every day. Then you could also go to classes if you wanted more structure and social life.

I don't know about the bereavement TBH. He was ill for a long time and in hospital with no visitors far several months (Covid) and we knew he was dying. It was truly traumatic and looking back I can't believe "we" as a society allowed that to happen, but it also meant, I think, a lot of the grieving was done before he died.

My younger son (18yo when his dad died) has had an awful time of it and I've found that really hard. All along I was more devastated for DC than I was for me.

If I'm honest, DH and I had grown apart. We had some nice retirement plans and he was a nice friend to spend time with, but weren't particularly close anymore.

I find the practicalities of being on my own difficult sometimes (although again I've had time to get used to that) and I miss him a lot when DC have problems I want to talk to someone about, but I don't find I miss "him" that much. That makes me feel terrible too. He was a good man, he should be missed. I also wonder if that's some sort of denial and the real grief hasn't hit yet.

I did have some counselling, arranged through work, but the counsellor felt I wasn't really getting anything from it, I seemed to have come to terms with it and had a wide support network (I'm not actually sure that's true. I do have friends, but no one I could tell I don't miss Dh, for example).

I’d say your counsellor wasn’t great tbh.

i also think that sometimes people grow apart and they are more ‘apart’ than they want to acknowledge. So death doesn’t hit them in the way they expected. Mi MIL has lost her DH at a similar time than you. And like you, they had grown apart (a lot). His death didn’t hit her the way you would have expected after 50+ years together. But that’s just a reflection of how far apart they were rather than her being an awful person because ‘he should be missed’. Hope that makes sense!

What is standing out to me though is the fact you are at crossroads now. Your dcs have left home (youngest at Uni I imagine?). The life you had all planned ahead if you isn’t anymore. Which means you have choices.
The choice to retire if you want, have your life take a different direction if you want. But you don’t know WHAT it is you want. And that’s scary.

I really don’t think you are I’ll or depressed. I think being a widow now means you need to reshape your life to fit YOU and only you. And you’re nit sure what form it will take.
Id stop worrying about you not going out fir any and all opportunities at work. Do what you need. The bare minimum is ok.
Take your time, see what you enjoy doing on your own. See how you can do other stuff with other people as you current friends are still busy with their own work, life etc… you’ll need to rediscover yourself as a person rather than part of a couple iyswim. I don’t think it’s something you can do in a rush.