Would you consider this a red flag?

[dreamer732]

Have recently started speaking to someone new, who has told me he has 2 children with two different women. He maintains a good relationship with his first child and sees them often, however, he has no contact with his other child and hasn't seen them in almost a year. He states this is because his ex has not allowed contact and has called her every name under the sun. This has put me off a bit and I have distanced myself. Surely a mother wouldn't stop a man seeing his child for no reason and there must be some explanation for this? Would this be a red flag for you?

Run like the wind. He sounds like my ex husband who came out with all the same shit despite it being far far from truthful. Any man who bangs on about the crazy ex is to be avoided. Please walk away. A decent man would do everything in his power to see his child.

Run as fast as you can!

Yes of course.

Yes, huge flashing red flag.

Massive, massive red flag. Run for the fucking hills. Don't fall for any of his bullshit excuses.

I think you rightly so have the ick and there's no coming back from that!

Unfortunately some parents do use children as a weapon and do stop the other parent having access. If he sees his first child ok I would wonder why he doesn't see the second, maybe he isn't allowed as he says.

Yes it would put me off because it is generally the man at fault when they aren’t “allowed” to see their child.
i dont like men put all the blame and responsibility onto the ex. It’s a massive red flag.
Finally, he can apply to family court for medication and / or a court order. He doesn’t need a solicitor to do this, it isn’t massively expensive or complex.

sooooo all in all, I wouldn’t touch this one with a barge pole.

Seems odd he sees one and not the other. I'd want to know why he hasn't pursued access.

Just because there is a court order it doesn't mean the ex will stick to it (the mother I mean). Some just like to be awkward.

Some women do stop their exes seeing their children out of sheer spite. My DHs ex did her absolute best to cut him out of their dc's lives, but he went to court, nearly bancrupted himself with legal fees to see them regularly.
It's not always as clear cut as it seems. Even with a contact order in place the reality is that if a Mum still refuses to allow contact the process of taking her back to court time and time again is huge and the children ultimately suffer.
I would delve a bit deeper and see how hard he has tried to see the child. If he gave up without a fight then I'd lose respect for him, but if he has done everything he can then that is not necessarily his fault.

Yep, bright red

The fact that he sees one child would make it less of a red flag for me but I would be still very wary. Some women do everything in their power to make it difficult for their ex to see their children but it doesn't happen a lot.

Not just one. Two.

Yea this is not a good sign op x

Anyone bad mouthing an ex counts as a red flag in my book.

I don’t think seeing one child and not the other means it’s not a red flag, my ex has an older child who he didn’t see (I didn’t know he didn’t tell me till it was too late) he didn’t see the child at all, told me the usual lies about mum stopping him, he now doesn’t see our children but sees that child (he didn’t see the child for years but child is now a teenager and it was him who reached out to my ex not the other way round) so on the surface my ex sees that child and not mine but without knowing the background doesn’t mean much. He would tell everyone I’ve stopped him but I haven’t, I think he finds the other child easier now that all the hard work is done

My husband has 2 daughters, now in their 20s. When I first met him they were much younger though and he had been split from his ex for a good few years. His ex wife was very bitter and not a nice person at all. She did everything in her power to prevent him seeing the girls and made life very very difficult for him. He never gave up and regardless of how hard she made it for him, he was absolutely determined to see them and be a good Dad. Now they are older they absolutely adore him and have such a fabulous relationship. They have a poor relationship with their Mum and obviously remember many times she denied them access to their Dad growing up, there's a lot of resentment there understandably. Still, my husband has tried to encourage them to have a good relationship with her as she's their Mum (even though he despises her!)
What I'm trying to say is that a decent guy and good Dad will ALWAYS find a way to see his child. These bull excuses are just that they cba imo, and to me personally that would be a huge red flag!

I think you need more information. Mum's absolutely refuse access just out of spite. It happens a lot. My DP Ex did it with him but after 8 weeks through mediation and a signed custody agreement it was resolved. Some mum's refuse mediation so it needs to go to court which can take time. I'd ask him what he's done to try and get access. Is there a pending court case.

The fact he sees his other child gives you some hope but definitely better doing some more digging.

Usually, slagging off an ex would be a red flag but if she's truly prevented him seeing his child for no reason you can't really blame him. Although he should probably keep his opinion of her underwraps especially this early on so it is a bit of a red flag.

If he's tried everything to see his child and and the mum is just being difficult, of course you'd be taking his word for it. If he ever does reinstated contact you'll probably have to deal with some difficult behaviour and games from the mum. It's extremely draining. Have a think about whether that's something you want to get into.

Go with you gut. Ask the questions and if it doesn't feel right run!

I don't get this. I'm not being rude, but people very rarely praise their exes, that's why they are exes. I badmouth mine all the time because he is a lying abusive arsehole and I'm pretty sure he badmouths me too.

I think that depends whether it is justified or not.

@Laurdo has made a good point.

Definitely find out about anything pending court wise. If nothing going on there, then that would be a flag. The backlog at the moment is unbelievable, so could be over a year.

Then think carefully about if you want to be with someone who already has children with 2 different mothers.

This would be my take too.

If he sees the first one but not the second then I’d probably believe him. There’s a few lasses I was at school with who have stopped their exes seeing kids as a sort of punishment. The problem is mostly the dads work full time so get no legal aid to help get access.