Being a good nana

[haveyouopenedyourbowelstoday]

My amazing DD gave birth to a beautiful little boy this weekend. I'm very lucky that I live nearby and she is very keen for me to be a big part of his life.
What I'd love are your views on how to be a brilliant nana and mum whilst maintaining and respectful of boundaries! Please tell me what you'd like if I was your DM!

Never give unwanted advice. If they didn’t ask for it - don’t give it! Your opinion on how they raise their child is absolutely not necessary.

If they ask for something to be done differently to how you've done it please don't take it as criticism - chances are they felt awkward bringing it up and are still very grateful for your help.

My own parents live close by and help a lot. The teething problems were when they did something in a way we didn't like - we overlooked the small stuff and raised the bigger stuff but always always felt bad doing so. Initially their reaction was one of hurt and offence no matter how nicely we said it. It wasn't personal and we were still so thankful for their help!

Agree with the above. Also, don't assume you know the baby more than their parents. My in-laws think dd is teething every time she grizzles just because she puts things in her mouth, when she was younger she was always gas. And don't tell them the obvious, DD was a bit warm the other week and FIL kept trying to get me to give him the thermometer even though I'd already taken her temperature (bit high but below 38) and then started lecturing me on calpol (give it if she has a temp bit it's paracetamol so need to be careful). It comes to it now where I hardly discuss anything with them as they just seem to think they know best.

Agreed on don't give advice if it's not asked for but would add - don't make comments about how he is developing unless positive!! If you have genuine serious concerns bring them up, but otherwise only positives. My MIL is always commenting about how my son is doing X or Y and they aren't always negative, but the fact she points them out is uncomfortable. Also ask your DD what she wants you to do, don't assume. "Do you want me to take him out today so you can have a break?" Etc is better than just going and being left alone if maybe she wanted your company, etc.

From your post it sounds like you'll be a wonderful grandmother! Xx

Oh yes and if baby is crying - give them back to mum!

My daughter is nearly 2 now and my MIL still won’t automatically give her back when she’s upset about something. I have to physically intervene and take her off her and only then does she calm down.

They don’t want grandma when upset or hurt or sick - they want mum.

The fact you've even asked this question probably means you'll be a brilliant Nana (and Mum) anyway 😊

Be guided by your daughter, if she wants you to take the baby out, make dinner or just keep her company. Don't expect her to wait on you while you cuddle the baby (seems to be done a lot according to mn)

When my dgd was born I read up on the current ways of doing things, so much has changed since my dc were babies that I was hopelessly out of date.

Oh, forgot to say Congratulations, being a nana is wonderful 🙂

Let them know you will always be there for them, and ready to help out. And yes, only give advice when asked! That's the difficult bit.

In the early days it can be helpful to do things that enable your daughter to be with the baby as much as possible. Perhaps cook lunch, mop the floors, put some washing on (all if ok with her of course).

When my mum started looking after my dd for one day a week I wrote out a whole schedule of naps, snacks etc.
Now my mum had done a wonderful job of raising me and knew how to care for a baby, but she was fine with me giving her a schedule because she knew how important keeping a routine is for a baby and how anxious I was about going back to work!
My mum has been brilliant over the years, she never oversteps with advice, if I’ve been poorly she’s taken my ironing or dropped off ready meals. When I was in hospital she had dd for 2 weeks.
Because we have such a good relationship she is the person I turn to for parenting advice, we don’t always agree but that never causes an issue.
Enjoy being a nanny!

Whatever you thought you knew and had learned about care of babies and children has been downsized to "irrelevent past history from the very dark ages". So just zip your lip and try not to larf at how they do it now.

Other than that, being a granny is the best thing since I invented sex.

You sound like a lovely mum and nana already 🙂
I'm heavily pregnant and my own DM has been rolling her eyes about our antenatal classes and expressing surprise that we won't be washing our newborn every day with a bar of soap. She has also commented previously on the dusting that needed doing, even when I was vomiting every day and DH was trying to work and look after me 🙄

In the early days I would just like my own DM to say "you're doing great, I've brought you a lasagne so you don't need to worry about your tea". I don't think anything more is needed.

Yeah, I think so too. And congratulations Nana.

Congrats Nana!!

I would have loved:

Someone to cook for me or make me lunch, I couldn't find the time to cook decent meals.

I would have killed for someone to help me tidy up/put a wash on/vacuum (obv ask first!)

To go to bed for a few hours knowing the baby is safe downstairs with Nana!

Don't expect much in terms of visiting. I found it very hard to leave the house. Try and go to them as much as possible until they are ready to venture out regularly

Check with me before giving them certain toys/sweets/food etc, I had my own values that I wanted to pass on to my dc.

Offer advice only if asked.

Babysitting!

I can't wait for my first GC!!

Sympathise with complaints. Don't try to provide a solution if she really just needs to vent.

Accept that things have changed. Particularly special needs, schooling and weaning.

In the early weeks and months after giving birth, having my mum make a fuss of me meant the world. Everyone was (of course), going gaga for the new baby, but I'd just been through the biggest life event of my life and it was good to feel like my mum was still 'mine' and that I was her priority. When she stayed with me, she did lots of practical jobs like cleaning, washing etc... and also made me endless cups of tea and made me snacks etc...She wasn't pushy with the baby. In fact, she'd always ask for a hold (rather than just grab him like my in-laws), which I really appreciated. She also praised me loads and gave me lots of encouragement, telling me what a good job I was doing with the baby, definitely helped boost my confidence in those early weeks.

So my main bit of advice would be to mother your daughter as a priority to start and then grandmother duties second.

If DD is still with the father, include him too. Don’t just fawn over baby and flap around mum, remember that this is a new family, involving two parents. This will stand you in good stead for a good relationship with the whole family unit.
congratulations!

I couldn't help laughing at this! Agree totally with all points 😂

Don't always turn up with 'treats' as they get older the children will just see you as a walking vending machine rather than a fun person to just be around!! You sound lovely. Enjoy. My MIL has fab relationship with DD (15 now) as she listens to her, stays in touch independently & goes out of her way to do fun stuff, being fully engaged with her.

Thank you all for your lovely wise advice. Will definitely take it all on board.