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Original poster

Is this a real thing when stopping drinking?

21 replies

Pepsior · 03/10/2022 11:13

My dp used to drink daily pretty much. Around five glasses of wine a night. Never got drunk but I was aware that our time was all around drink. I didn’t consider it a problem until he got done for drink driving around 6 months ago, at 4pm. He’s been miserable ever since as he was demoted at work had a pay cut in a professional role so very embarrassing but I’ve noticed he’s permanently in his ‘pre alcohol’ state. By this I mean when he got home he would be anxious and just distant until he had a drink then all would be well again.

it’s been six months since he’s been sober, he had to go cold turkey because of work. But he seems permanently in that irritable and distant state? My family and friends say this is usual after stopping drinking like this but from what I’ve read that’s only after around 4 weeks or so… not six months? I’ve tried to talk to him about it, he barely speaks. Fed up of it all. Do I wait this out or is this just him now?

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 03/10/2022 11:15

Sounds as if he has some mental health problems that need to be addressed. Have you given him an ultimatum? See the GP or you leave?

Original poster
Pepsior · 03/10/2022 11:17

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime He won’t seek help at all. Asked him to see a counsellor just to have a space to talk but he won’t. He just is quiet and distant and I don’t see the man I used to know after a few drinks. Which obviously is good but now there’s seems to be a new problem.

OP posts:
KylieCharlene · 03/10/2022 11:19

When I stopped drinking (6yeats ago) it took me a good three years to properly recover tbh.
I was irritable and living with dreadful anxiety symptoms - both physical and mental).
I'd encourage him to speak to a gp.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 03/10/2022 11:20

Not seeking help is a classic sign of depression. I think you need to play hardball (but mean it) - lay out the consequences of him not getting help.

Original poster
Pepsior · 03/10/2022 11:22

@KylieCharlene what was it that you found so hard if you don’t mind me asking? I didn’t think he was so dependant on it but when I look back he could manage it and never got drunk but it was just very frequent use of alcohol if that makes sense.

OP posts:
KylieCharlene · 03/10/2022 11:33

My life had revolved around drinking for so long that it was like I'd lost myself and who I was. I'd drink with my partner, our friends - it was as part of it me.
I'd look forward to a drink after work as it was how I would relax and I associated alcohol with chilling- out, bonding with family/friends, celebrating and everything 'happy'. I also associated it with sad times, commiserating, eating a drink, drowning sorrows. It was life basically and a part of me.
Taking that away meant I had to learn how to be a 'new' me. It's like starting over and it's very hard.

Original poster
Pepsior · 03/10/2022 11:37

@KylieCharlene that sounds exactly like DP. Happy, sad, celebrating, socialising etc. Always a drink. What made you stop? Dp had to stop because of drink driving.

OP posts:
KylieCharlene · 03/10/2022 11:44

My health.
I started drinking earlier and earlier in the day which got me to a stage where I was pretty much under the influence of alcohol all of the time.
This affected my body and suffered hypertensive crisis.

OverTheRubicon · 03/10/2022 11:50

There's a reason he was drinking, and once the drink goes, that reason stays. Has he found someone or at least a group to talk to?

The other possibility is that unfortunately he is actually drinking but secretly late at night, so he is still 'pre-drink' all afternoon because he's waiting until later.

KylieCharlene · 03/10/2022 11:53

When your dh was caught at 4pm OP, it's very unlikely this was the first time he'd ever drank this early. Chances are he'd be drinking regularly at times you know nothing about.
He's doing great not having had a drink for six months (if he hasn't- sorry- but as an ex-drinker I must add that).
It will take time and your dh will come back to you.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 03/10/2022 11:56

You say he was drinking 5 glasses of wine or so a night but was caught drink driving at 4pm. Meaning he drank in the daytime, not just at night, or was that a one off? I wonder if he was drinking a lot more than you were aware of, hence the big come down.

Original poster
Pepsior · 03/10/2022 11:56

OverTheRubicon · 03/10/2022 11:50

There's a reason he was drinking, and once the drink goes, that reason stays. Has he found someone or at least a group to talk to?

The other possibility is that unfortunately he is actually drinking but secretly late at night, so he is still 'pre-drink' all afternoon because he's waiting until later.

@OverTheRubicon I got the sense he did it to escape. He is a VERY anxious person, under pressure with work and had a tricky upbringing which he cries about every few months here and there, just briefly but it’s obvious it all affects him. However I thought the alcohol was overall making his anxiety worse as I always find this when I drink, afterwards I am a bit anxious. So I really hoped he would by now be much calmer in general. He seems permanently quiet and I’ve tried so often to talk or get him to talk to a therapist. almost certain he isn’t drinking as he has spot checks and I regularly check the car and house just to be sure. He wanted to stop though as he was so worried about work so I don’t think he’s being sneaky.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pepsior · 03/10/2022 11:58

BigSandyBalls2015 · 03/10/2022 11:56

You say he was drinking 5 glasses of wine or so a night but was caught drink driving at 4pm. Meaning he drank in the daytime, not just at night, or was that a one off? I wonder if he was drinking a lot more than you were aware of, hence the big come down.

@BigSandyBalls2015 he had had a horrendous day at work (by anyone’s standards to be fair) and that is what sparked that day, for sure. He went to drink for every occasion, stress being one of them.

OP posts:
BlueFreedom · 03/10/2022 11:58

Try and get him to the doctors but if that fails then buy him B vitamins. A lot of people dependent on alcohol are deficient in Thiame and B12. Check out the symptoms for those.

Do remember though that you are not responsible to fix anyone, you need to think of yourself.

Original poster
Pepsior · 03/10/2022 11:58

KylieCharlene · 03/10/2022 11:53

When your dh was caught at 4pm OP, it's very unlikely this was the first time he'd ever drank this early. Chances are he'd be drinking regularly at times you know nothing about.
He's doing great not having had a drink for six months (if he hasn't- sorry- but as an ex-drinker I must add that).
It will take time and your dh will come back to you.

Thanks @KylieCharlene xx

OP posts:
PersonIrresponsible · 03/10/2022 12:03

In AA this behaviour is called "dry drunk" and the usual cliche is "restless, irritable and discontent". He might want to head into a group as a great, free and non-judgemental place to talk. There he might decide to get a sponsor and go through the steps - all of which will help re-orientate his life.

Original poster
Pepsior · 03/10/2022 12:04

PersonIrresponsible · 03/10/2022 12:03

In AA this behaviour is called "dry drunk" and the usual cliche is "restless, irritable and discontent". He might want to head into a group as a great, free and non-judgemental place to talk. There he might decide to get a sponsor and go through the steps - all of which will help re-orientate his life.

@PersonIrresponsible thank you. How long does that last for? I honestly thought a few weeks after stopping he would be functioning normally.

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 03/10/2022 12:22

I hate to say it, but how do you know this isn't him functioning normally? Maybe he is naturally a irritable, distant person? If all you've ever really known of him is drunk him then maybe this is what he's really like

PersonIrresponsible · 03/10/2022 13:56

@Pepsior Until he gets help usually. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

AltheaVestr1t · 03/10/2022 14:05

He is a VERY anxious person, under pressure with work and had a tricky upbringing which he cries about every few months here and there, just briefly but it’s obvious it all affects him.
Sounds like he has unresolved trauma. Drinking is often used as a coping strategy. If so, he will need trauma focused therapy.

Abricot1983 · 07/06/2023 21:10

agree that unresolved trauma causes continual anxiety and stress for the person so that they self medicate with food alcohol to sooth. That trauma can be losing a parent, poor parenting many things. Sometimes the person strives to be perfect causing the stress.

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