How to be an independent grown up?

[embarrassinglythis]

I’ve been struggling badly with an eating disorder since the start of covid.

Yesterday I was watching a Louis Theroux episode on anorexia, and something he asked struck a chord with me. He asked one patient if she wanted people to take care of her and act in a parent role; she said yes and she didn’t want to grow up.

I wonder if this is me too. I had a bit of a messed up childhood (though who doesn’t of course!). I have dysfunctional relationships with family and am diagnosed with ASD. Despite this, I want physically to be smaller to be more like a child again and wish I could go back to a time when things felt safer. I wonder if unconsciously I have wanted people to worry about me and step into those parental roles; maybe I want my husband to look after me more.

I am not a good grown up. For example I’ve totally stuck my head in the sand about all costs recently, couldn’t tell you what our gas bill or mortgage type is, our flat is a mess, we have too much stuff and so on. I'm terrified of sickness and being I'll or not sleeping.

So my question is, how do I ever emotionally mature past wanting others to take care of me? How do I embrace being an independent grown up?

If my anorexia is caused by me being needy and childlike, then how do I resolve this in practical terms?

I’ve had therapy in the past and haven’t benefited from it - but I could look into it again I guess. I don’t know if a life coach type person would help. Or if anyone has resources or ideas?

F

What are your current living arrangements?

I'd take it one step at a time. What is something you think you'd like to do as an adult and start from there. Research how to do it then start to create a habit of doing so and enjoy the responsibility of it. Don't try too much all at once or you're more likely to feel you have failed. Remember to be proud of your achievements, however small they might be.

I would urge you to get therapy again.

I would seriously avoid life coaches. They are unqualified and unregulated. I could call myself a life coach tomorrow if I wanted.

Ima sorry you’ve been battling those things OP, sounds really hard going.

Probably worth pointing out that not many of us have this “grown up” thing down. I don’t know how old you are. I’m 33 and totally winging it. I think a lot of people are. My mum is trying to retire and can’t work out what on earth she’s got in the way of pension. I think stuff like that baffles most people!

What aspect of your life do you think would be low hanging fruit” for you? Getting your flat in order? Getting a better track of your bills?

I would go back to therapy to explore this particular question and all your feelings around it. It sounds like you've discovered a new angle that could really help you if you get the chance to explore it fully.
I wonder if there is something in there about psychological safety and how you can find safety for yourself as an adult..

Thank you all for replying, I genuinely appreciate it!

It sounds like I should try therapy again so I'll look into it. I've found therapists very unhelpful in the past, with them sounding suitably sympathetic but effectively telling me what I already know. However, maybe if they have this to work with then they could help more. (I see what you mean about life coaches so will avoid them.)

Practically, I'd like to live in a clean tidy home. I'd also like to save us money on bills. Pensions are another huge thing, I know I've paid into them for decades but no idea how much etc!

I think picking the bills at first and just knowing what we pay could be the first step, I'll see if I can do that today.

This sounds like a good plan. I have a spreadsheet where I write it all down and it makes things so much easier- if you ever need to check anything you know exactly where to look.

It sounds like all you want to do is overwhelming you. You need to break it down into smaller chunks. When I get like this I write a to-do list and do one thing at a time. Just writing it down helps me, because I don’t need to remember it any more.

I think you have done really well to recognise your need for care. I don't believe you have to either be helpless child or independent adult. You can be a capable adult who also needs a bit of love in the form of care.

I am autistic and had a rocky teens (though lovely childhood). Like you, I really really enjoy being looked after but I realised that if I'm only 'cared for' and don't do any of that care for myself my world would become very very small and it would be an unfair burden on thoes who are looking agter me. I didn't want that. I am now often look to by others as the capable one, the adult one. Because I chose certain things I was not going to let slide. But crucially I also didn't deny my need for care. I just have pockets of it and I ask for it very clearly from thoes who I know want to give it. It actually becomes a useful tool.

Maybe CBT rather than the naval-gazing introspective type of therapy?

"I don't believe you have to either be helpless child or independent adult. You can be a capable adult who also needs a bit of love in the form of care."

That sounds like a mature way to approach it - thank you.

I'm also really pleased for you that you've had your own journey and found a good way to live!

Yes! The naval gazing drives me a bit mad ... I will look into this too.

I'm very good at making detailed plans and lists and then not sticking to them. But I do love a good list!

Maybe the first simple actions are bills, looking into local therapy, and then thinking about a list.

If you have ASD this probably affects your executive functioning and makes all the “adulting” more difficult for you than for most people. I think it would be best to find a therapist who understands this aspect. Lots of people with ASD need support with independence - it’s just a part of the condition and not necessarily an emotional issue.

It isn't navel gazing. Not when you have an insight like yours and you actually see it all the way through. I would also suggest therapy. Find someone and stick with it. Even when you think it's a pointless load of crap or when you hate your therapist. Stay with it. Same with the small steps of clearing up your place, throwing out old junk, get interested in your mortgage and energy bills. It's not about deciding to be a grown up, it's about engaging in all aspects of your life.

Don’t stay with your therapist when you hate your therapist! 🚩🚩🚩

All the best and positivity op