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4 year old unable to say sorry and plays victim when in the wrong

35 replies

Nispero · 02/10/2022 21:09

My son is 4 years old and is in reception. He is generally a well behaved kid and kind to children and adults. Normally doesn't tend to be purposefully naughty, but of course sometimes does things which hurt someone that he didn't mean to do. In situations like this, instead of apologising, he goes into almost panic and plays the victim. E.g. if on the playground he accidentally throws sand in a child's face and that child is hurt, he doesn't say sorry or try to remedy the situation, instead starts crying and says things like he didn't want to come to the playground in the first place, as if it wasn't his fault at all, it is my fault for bringing him to the playground. He also likes to blame others or objects when something happens, e.g. it is the bicycles' fault he fell. I know he is very young still but I feel a larger problem is developing here and he could grow up to be one of those people who can never admit fault and always blame others. He is a kind hearted child and I would really like to help him develop in this area but don't know how. Any advice? Thank you!

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Nispero · 02/10/2022 22:51

@MrsTerryPratchett Definitely there must be some of that in here, that his drama results in avoidance. I am not that worried he doesn't exactly say sorry, have spoken about this with him that there are other ways we can make sure someone is okay and reassure them we didn't mean to hurt but my worry is that he actually doesn't feel this sort of remorse at all.

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Nispero · 02/10/2022 22:56

@tickticksnooze @dandelionthistle Thank you both, yes, I sometimes need to remind myself that he is not an adult, very far from it. I probably need to develop in the empathy department myself! 🙈
I just see that compared to his peers he is noticably behind on this front, hence I worry it is an issue.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2022 22:58

Remorse is a big thing to ask at 4. At 4, it's about teaching that the expectation is to be kind. It's mostly forming the habit TBH at that age. True empathy and remorse takes years.

For children really it's a feedback loop that they feel better when they do the good thing. Currently his avoidance is causing the opposite.

Empathy will come. He's 4, not a psychopath! Grin

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MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2022 22:59

he is noticably behind on this front

They all get different things at different ages. I'm sure other parents look at his skills and think the same.

Nispero · 02/10/2022 23:05

@MrsTerryPratchett "Empathy will come. He's 4, not a psychopath!"

Ah, thank you so much, I really needed to hear this, will go to bed now on this high note! 😁❤

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User478 · 02/10/2022 23:27

There's a Daniel Tiger episode/song about "Saying I'm sorry is the first step, then how can I help" which is good for practicing.

Sorry is a really difficult thing to say, as it involves a lot of emotional processing (shame, remorse, fear) and has an expectation of "meaning it" which usually involves tone and eye contact which are difficult. Could he practice with the sign for Sorry.

Otherwise I would do lots of modelling and accept that he's only little and learning.

Daisychainsx · 03/10/2022 00:07

I was this child. God knows why. My mum would sit me down and tell me to say sorry until I was blue in the face, I just couldn't say those words. I wasn't a bad kid, I loved being with other children and adults, was good at sharing, you name it... it was just the word sorry. I think it was some sort of association with the bad kids doing bad things and having to say sorry, I knew I wasn't a bad kid and felt like saying sorry would somehow make me bad.
Maybe using different words might help, 'I didn't mean to make you sad.' Or something like that? The 'sorry' will come.

I still remember the first time I just said it, I was 6 and I was in class and someone walked into the back of my seat. I just instinctively said 'sorry!' And tucked my chair in... and then I was like wow... I said sorry and the world didn't end.

Now I'll say sorry if you ram your shopping trolley up my ankles 🙄🤣

bigbeautifulmonster · 03/10/2022 07:27

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2022 22:58

Remorse is a big thing to ask at 4. At 4, it's about teaching that the expectation is to be kind. It's mostly forming the habit TBH at that age. True empathy and remorse takes years.

For children really it's a feedback loop that they feel better when they do the good thing. Currently his avoidance is causing the opposite.

Empathy will come. He's 4, not a psychopath! Grin

This ^

Does he feel bad afterwards, even the following day if you talk about it with him? Does he acknowledge that he should have apologised in those situations?

Nispero · 03/10/2022 17:51

@Daisychainsx How interesting that you remember this so specifically, you give me hope, thank you! 😀

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Nispero · 03/10/2022 17:55

@bigbeautifulmonster He does feel bad later, but I think more because he is being reminded that he got something wrong, not because he feels bad about having hurt someone.

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