Feeling guilty......

[UselessNessie]

Asked my Mum over for afternoon/dinner tomorrow. We live opposite sides of a small town. Normally I would drive to pick her up. She's 80. Fit but suffering from anxiety. She has increasingly stopped going anywhere unless someone takes her (basically me or my sister). Before the pandemic she used to happily get the bus into town or the big town nearby for shopping etc. But she had some sort of breakdown in 2020 and has become increasingly isolated.

Anyway I've told her I'm busy, so could she get the bus to my house.....she said yes. Am I being mean.....?

I think it would do her good to be a bit more independent....

Am I a bad daughter...?

In my opinion it's a little mean yes, your mother is 80 and they lose their confidence around this age. Your poor mum, I'd try and have a little more patience with her.

I see that you're trying to help her.
I'd give her a lift home though.

I can't believe you'd do that to your own 80 year old mother.
Shame on you.

I'd collect her - Shes 80 with anxiety.

As for her independence, I think its unlikely that you'd gain a great deal at her age.

I think I'd be more inclined to support her through this rather than telling her.

@MbatataOwl it's a 10 min bus ride. I've taken her everywhere lately. When she's on a bus she meets other people.....old friends etc

Can't you get the bus with her a few times ?

I don't think it makes you a 'bad daughter' but also - why? She's 80 and clearly struggling with anxiety. As someone that has suffered the same (fortunately now improved)I would have agreed just like she did because of course I would not want to put you out and would have felt embarrassed to explain again why it would be too much for me when it's something you clearly feel i 'should' be doing and would then spend all the days leading up to it sick with said anxiety and full of dread.

You may feel it'll be good for her to essentially force her into exposure therapy but it's up to her to do what she is ready for and I don't think it's right to force her hand based on your opinions about what will help. A breakdown, the pandemic, anxiety and elderly age are not small things OP, they are huge. Apologise, ask her what she needs to help with her anxiety and pick her up and have a lovely day together.

WTF? I wouldn’t do this to my 80-year-old dad who’s struggled a lot with going out since covid.

I think you should offer to get the bus with her, not just throw her in at the deep end. Or just pick her up. I hope nobody is this unkind to me when I’m old and struggling.

She’s 80? Has anxiety, And had some form of breakdown at the start of covid? Yes, you are being really mean. You do know that covid is ramping up again do you, and you want your elderly mother to hop on a bus with a bunch of strangers who may have been in all sorts of places, with all sorts of people, massively increasing her possible exposure to a virus that kills the vulnerable.
My elderly DF is CEV, and because it’s been so long that he hasn’t gone out he’s lost all confidence in himself. He used to drive everywhere, now it’s been so long since he drove he depends on others to take him places (though to be honest, he doesn’t want to go to too many places as he remains concerned about the risk). None of us find it an issue to help out one half of the couple that gave us life, and who has looked after us and gone out of his way to help us over the decades.

It’s a 10 minute bus ride not trekking the Andes. The less people do, then the less they want to do. Is OP to take her everywhere now? It could go on for 10-15 years or more