I don't feel like a person. Can anyone help?

[Aerodactyl]

Couldn't think of a better title. I'm a crap human! I make a mess of every relationship and social interaction. I'm very very bad with money, to the point that I'm now scared to open letters and suspect I might be imprisoned, my financial disorganisation miss be bordering on criminal (not opening mail so I don't deal with stuff and then I get fines that escalate). A bad parent although I keep trying but I know my kids will come to hate me in time. They're too good for me and I feel ashamed that I'm such a let down. They've never even been on a boat or a plane because I'm pemenaently skint because of my own terrible decisions. Bad housekeeper. So much disarray! A TERRIBLE communicator (even in my own brain my thoughts are disjointed, like I can't quite pin them down), can't form sentences hardly and feel desperately uncomfortable in social situations. I drink too much to escape the feeling of being me. I feel like I don't even look human...I have physical defects that set me apart from other women that I'm increasingly with age not able to conceal like I could when I was young and it makes me feel not even human. I believe I'm autistic and have an inattentive form of ADHD (undiagnosed, but I majorly tick boxes) and I think I've always masked fairly well but since lockdown/moving into my late 30s it's like the wheels have come off and I can't quite re-reach the basic level of keeping up some sort of appearance like I used to be able to do. But I can't even get myself organised to seek help. I feel like have no ability to better my situation, I literally don't know where to start. Even my parents just despair of me, although they don't say so to my face, my mum is clearly disappointed that she produced such a mess of a daughter. I'm just not coping and I feel sub human. I know this is a whiny post but the despair is all consuming, I've always felt it but fought it back in various ways, but it's felt like firefighting since I was a teen, but I can't any more. I don't know what I'm asking but I have no one to talk to or could express this to. I'm in despair.

Before I even got that far in your OP I was going to suggest this sounded like autism/adhd. I have come to realise I am autistic (and possibly adhd too) since ds was diagnosed. Some of this sounds very like me. I am going to self refer for a diagnosis. No real advice but you aren't the only one who feels this way.

I didn't want to read and run. Explain to your children when they are old enough. It's not your fault if uou have ASD/ADHD.

Please don't despair. You are a person, a woman, a mum and much more. If you have ADD and or are autistic then life has been 100X more challenging for you since you were born than for many other people. If you can, try not to compare yourself others. Do you have a partner? Does your dc's dad help and support you? Getting a diagnosis might help make you feel more accepting and comfortable in you own skin. ADD and autism are disabilities and maybe you can access support once you have been diagnosed?

Your post is very expressive and it's great that you can articulate how everything feels for you. I can't say anything really helpful but you can get over feeling like this.

Hey aerodactyl. Cool name by the way. You sound like a really caring person who has got deppression. Please go to your gp and get some help. some antideppressants might lift the fog enough to make things easier. Life is hard, especially recently. You're not the only one struggling, even if other people give the appearance that they know what they're doing. many people are just putting one foot in front of the other. The bad ones don't even self-reflect or care whether they're being a good parent etc. You clearly care, and its a shame you feel so bad about yourself. Your brain chemistry might just be a little off kilter. please don't struggle alone. I'm happy for you to dm me if you think it would help.

I can relate to this post so much, OP. I'm autistic and also have NO ability to handle money, and don't ever seem to get better at it regardless of what happens. It's like there's a black hole in my brain where the "learn lessons for next time" bit should be, financially speaking. I have wondered if this was an autism thing, but figured it was probably partly that and partly just my personality.

I agree with PP that it's worth seeing your GP for how you are feeling overall. This level of feeling alienated from the rest of humanity sounds a lot like depression, and a few months on medication might make a huge change to your outlook and how you see yourself that could have a positive knock-on effect on other parts of your life.

Also, remember that lots of people struggle inside, and even people whose lives seem sorted might have problems they never talk about. Not in a gloating way, just that you have an inside view of your own problems, so you might be seeing yourself as worse than other people at managing various aspects of life when actually you're not.

Oh these replies! I didn't expect so much understanding! As I was writing my op I thought 'ugh it just sounds so self flagellating' written down so I expected a telling off, not compassion. I'd tell me to get a grip if I wasn't me. I try CONSTANTLY to improve, but get nowhere. It's exhausting and days like today I get stuck in the weir.

I feel terrible because my DD suffers as I do. I didn't realise how much of a disaster I would turn out to be (I was quite young and still a happy masker when I had her). If I knew what kind of difficulties she would have to cope with I wouldn't have had her. We're pretty much the same person, except her difficulties have manifested to the same degree at x3 speed. And I can't help really, it's like the blind leasing the blind. I do try. She gets help from counselling. I hope she can get better in time because she's at her core just a brilliant person (definitely doesn't get that from me). My middle DD and DS luckily have escaped ...youngest is likely also on the spectrum but has no difficulties resulting from it. In fact he is enhanced by it and is more sociable than any of us, with endearing quirks and a brain that is wired differently in a way that actually benefits him and his relationship to the world.

I weirdly do have a partner who is shockingly well balanced and kind, we don't live together and I let him in from time to time (to my inner workings and also my house 😂) but I'm weary of giving him too much insight into my dark brain. He knows nothing really of finances, except that I'm poor (and sneakily finds ways to help like coming up with 'legitimate' reasons why it's his turn to pay for XYZ) or how tormented and awkward I am to the core). I don't want to lose him. He does know I have cycles of feeling good and bad / better and worse and is so kindly. I don't think his friends understand why he's with me, but I am able to be a version of myself that I like with him when it's just us, and he is excessively forgiving of my ups and downs but I feel like he's probably the person I mask the disaster side of me from most because I value him so much. It's almost like he's my holiday from the mess of being me, where I only pack the good bits when I see him and I think he's blinded by my nice boobs 😆

I've tried every antidepressant going in the last 15 years but every one has devastating side effects that outweigh the benefits. I've concluded that my brain is imbalanced compared to regular brains, but the imbalanced state is my upper limit of mental functioning so nothing can actually improve it.

Again, I don't know what I'm asking or asking for. Verbalising it does feel helpful. It's a relief.

The 'black hole' of learning lessons really resonated with me!

Sorry to hear you feel so shit 💐

Go to your GP to talk about your suspicions about ADHD. They will also be able to give you advice about free services to help you get your self esteem back. When I feel useless it's usually because I'm also depressed and tired or anxious. For me it passes but for some it doesn't and that's when you need help. Your family don't sound very sympathetic so don't value yourself by their low opinion. Find your own strength.

I only realised I have ADHD when DD was diagnosed. I hear you about the letters! I can let them pile up for months and yes there are things that really should have been paid that haven't been and I just stick my head in the sand. I went away for 3 months once and when I came back I just stuck all the letters in a drawer and ended up throwing them out unopened a few years later!

I can manage to "adult" in short bursts but I can't sustain it. My DC (both in their 30s now) just accept me as I am. As I say, DD has been diagnosed with ADHD and DS has aspergers. I'd bet you're not the crap parent you think you are! If there's love there and their needs are mer, then that's enough. They will come to understand as they get older and will actually appreciate that you can understand them.

I'm in my 50s now and tbh have just come to accept this is me. I muddle through!

Please go to the gp and get the assessments rolling for adhd and autism.

I was diagnosed with autism in my 30s, it's a real struggle but when I was diagnosed it helped me a lot. I didn't feel like a shit person anymore, I felt like I actually belonged with the autism community and it gave me a sense of worth again as I knew exactly why I struggled the way I do.
If that makes sense? I'm not very good with words! But you're not alone. Step change are really good btw for the money side of things, they really helped me.

Hi @Aerodactyl I don’t have any useful advice (my problems are different from yours) but wanted to say that you are absolutely brilliant at expressing yourself in writing. I am hugely impressed with your insight and you come across as not just a real person but a warm, intelligent person who is really trying their best at life. Good luck.

Go to your GP.

Bring this thread with you.

Sorry you're feeling like this. Didn't want to read and run. Sounds like you are going through a rough patch, take one step at a time.

Try and have a clear head and deal with the letters.

Can you reach out to someone in real life and go through them-Make them into piles and open the most recent one.
You need some help and guidance if this is not possible please reach out to citizens advice. Make a plan, do you need to contact them?

You are your children's world and they are yours. Don't be hard on yourself. Please speak to yourself kindly, you are allowed to be happy too. I hear you, this is a little glitch You will get pass this and better things will come along💐

On the money side, where do you live? If UK you can not go to jail for non payment. Although obviously it needs sorting because you'll get court orders and they'll be higher if you don't turn up to tell them your situation.

With debts you can only pay what you have left over after reasonable living expenses and no one can make you pay more.

Hello there, just wanted to say hang in there. your post struck such a chord. I hope you’ll get to investigate autism/adhd and cut yourself some slack, find out how things can work for you. It’s shit going against your own grain all the time without realising it, plus it makes it feel like other people must think badly of you when it might that way at all. You sound like a very caring and intelligent person. By the way you are also a great communicator.You drew yourself so vividly and as possible said with so much insight. Your kids will know that you love them, you can tell them a bit of what’s hard, work round together ? x

Sorry- meant / it might not be that way at all.

Oh yes, I recognise myself in most of what you've posted OP, I also suspect autism and my DD is currently undergoing assessment. And I agree with PP's, you should be doubly proud of yourself for 'muddling through' as well as you do, it's bloody hard when none of it comes naturally to you. FWIW I think you sound fabulous, exactly the sort of person I would choose as a friend!

Thank you all so SO sincerely for your replies. They've really hauled me out of a weird place today. I'd like to create some sort of grand overall plan of self recovery but I know I'll fail at it and I'll be back here at the bottom of the spiral, but I'll make a to do list of 1. See the GP and keep adding that back on until I've done it. My mum is really lovely, but we're very different people and don't understand each other at all, so I secretly wish I had some sort of 'real mum' who could just parent me through the things I struggle with. The two weirdest thoughts I frequently have is 'I want to run away to a remote communal living type community' and 'I wish someone would adopt me'. I'm nearly 40 ffs!

In case useful, ADHD uk have online advice and support drop-ins and clinics, including several women’s support ones - I’ve only managed to get round to attending a couple but they were both great store.adhduk.co.uk/adhd-uk-marketplace/

Yes!! “To do list of 1” I’m going to put that on my fridge! You might just have helped me get something done today, thank you OP 👍