What rules do you have around screen time etc for your 12 year old? Struggling with DD

[Harridan1981]

Dd is 12 and just started in year 8. She isn't allowed tiktok, insta etc but is allowed WhatsApp and Snapchat.

I think we've always been quite sensible with regards rules on screen access, when she and her brother got iPads at Christmas we built in screen time passwords so they could only have a couple of hours over a day. However recently I have my suspicions that she may have guessed the password and changed it, as I can't get in to change it and she seems to have more access than agreed.

I also found out last night that she has set up a you tube account for posting dancing etc. It's all quite cute stuff, but to my mind too 'sexy' for a 12 year old. And obviously at 12 she shouldn't be having a you tube account.

Another rule we had was that all devices charge downstairs overnight. We were happy for her to hang out in her room of an evening watching her series on her iPad but it charges downstairs along with her phone. Last night she tried to tell me she didn't know where it was. Said it already was downstairs, when I knew it wasn't. Then went through an elaborate charade of looking in our room etc. It then transpired she had hidden it (her phone) under her pillow. We had a bit of a stand off to get it back.

She's still in bed at the moment but I feel like her relationship with her devices and the internet is changing so we need to change our approach. Dh wants to say all devices stay downstairs, all day. If she wants to watch something etc she stays down here. I'm not sure whether this is a bit harsh, she likes chilling out in bed etc. But as a short term response to her recent deceit maybe?

Obviously I need to get to the bottom of the screen time password, which may involve resetting the iPad.

Argh, I'm so unequipped to deal with this yet 🤦‍♂️

What regs do you have for your tweens? I'm also thinking of a better router with more parental controls.

My 12yo ds is just 12 just gone into Y7. The ipad has code on it, as does the TV so he has to ask if he watches something. Phone and xbox have timed controls so phone can be used 7.30 to 7.30 and then locks. Dh can put time on phone or xbox for him.

Must have done piano practice and homework to get screen time. Isn't allowed on endlessly. Maybe gets an hour some week nights but we do lots of activities. Couple of hours gaming at the weekends.

As he gets older we are going to have to trust him more but at 12 and 13 still need help self regulating.

If my dc hid an ipad under a pillow and changed a code and wouldn't give it back I'd take it that they weren't mature enough to have their own ipad and remove it from them.

The case of the 14yo who killed herself shows we have to be very careful what our dc do online. You are negligent if you don't keep an eye on their Internet usage. If you can't access her ipad and she's adding apps that are not age appropriate then it's time to cut her off.

Oh and I don't let ds have tik tok. It is very adult content. I can't protect him from what friends send him on what's app but we keep an eye and have open conversations about toxic things on the Internet with him.

mine are younger but I find it very difficult to Manage the boundaries with tablets especially as my kids friends’ parents seem generally either be super strict/have none at all or are far more relaxed than me.

you need to take away her tablet until she lets you know the password.

we use the Google family app so the kids tablets times are controlled entirely via the app our end. It can be on a timetable (eg only on at certain times)or have time limits per day or both. And it’s easy to change if needed.

I don’t agree with the only allowed downstairs thing- both my sons usually play together in the lounge but sometimes prefer just to sit in their own rooms and have some privacy

downstairs at night when charging good though. But if you use the Google family app you’d just get it to switch off at a certain time and they wouldn’t be able to get round it unless they had access to your phone.

I think we have got to the bottom of the password thing and it was a misunderstanding, so that's one thing.

However the YouTube channel and trying keep devices overnight bothers me a little

I have nearly 12 yo in YR7
She only has whatsapp for social media. TBH I'm not thrilled about that, but there's a tipping point where being off everything risks a degree of social exclusion.

Our issue is YouTube. She would watch it constantly. It was affecting her concentration, and as her channels of choice are shouty families, her attitude towards us as well. We've limited Youtube via the broadband settings to 1hr daily when accessed from her phone or tablet.

I don't know her passcodes or do regular checks, but will from time to time ask her to unlock the phone and glance through with her.

Devices downstairs on DND at night. I am always a bit surprised as how late I see notifications popping up from her friends, and don't want that disturbing her.

Remember Molly Russell, who killed herself after unsupervised internet access. Sites are built to be addictive.

To reassure you, lying about the screen's whereabouts is perfectly normal (bad) behaviour. Don't make too big a deal out of it because teens lie (someone on here gave me that advice based off I think some advice from Phillipa Perry's book).

My 14 year old still has to bring her devices down at 10 during the week. We talk about what she's doing on the phone often and sometimes if there's friendship drama we are it's better for the phone to go off for a while. Recently she decided to set her own limit on TikTok which reassured me.

I have found the more controlling I try to be around it the more likely she is to lie and spend as much time as possible on it. It is a tricky balance though. I wouldn't claim to have got it right but it's working for now.

Agree that taking an interest in what they’re using and making it a talking point can earn invaluable trust.

i secretly hate the amount of time mine spend on their tablets but tbh I’m nearly as bad on my own phone. It’s not always the devil.

My 12 year old DD has a phone but rarely uses it. There is no whats app,insta allowed. She does have tik tok and snap chat but again rarely looks at it. She likes to play video games on her Nintendo switch.

She is allowed her switch when homework is done and not overnight.At the weekend I don't police how long she is on her switch apart from no devices overnight.

I think you need to sit down and have this chat with her, not us.

Try treating her like a responsible, intelligent person and see if she can rise to meet that challenge. Talk about why you think you need some limits, talk about why she wants it in her room/a YouTube account/more time etc. and negotiate. Talk about the dangers with posting stuff on YouTube etc. Compromise (maybe she has a YouTube channel, but it's massively restricted and you check it regularly?).

You'll get much further with this if you can reach an agreement with her rather than just laying down another set of arbitrary rules.

I think the best approach is to have a chat about it, and listen to her views.

I thought I had very sensible rules about screen time but I’ve had to adapt them as we went along.

There’s probably a reason she wants it late at night. If you hear her reasons you’re in a far better position for her to hear yours. You can still be a firm and sensible parent but it’s a lot easier when they feel heard.

There’s a huge amount that they know that I don’t. When I let dd have WhatsApp she discovered a load of functions in the first half hour that I didn’t know about after using it for years.

I’ve relented and allowed the odd game I don’t approve of, or they weren’t quite old enough for, because their friends were playing it and it was socially important.

Kerping the lines of communication open is key - because things will happen that are difficult to deal with. We need to equip them with tools to cope, not shelter them entirely.

I was firmly against Snapchat, but dd wanted it because the kids in her class use it. So we agreed to both download it for the weekend and explore it together. She found porn accidentally and decided herself to delete the app.

I’d prefer to live in a world where I hadn’t had to teach my dc how to react to porn (look away, turn the device over or walk away from a friend, tell a parent).

DD is in year 7, she has had a tablet for ages, Qustodio blocks it after a certain time period we can set and after 9pm in the week and 10pm at weekends. It also blocks certain apps and shows us what apps she does download. We add more time of she runs out and we dont mind her having more.

She recently got a smartphone. It is linked to DH's account so he has to OK app downloads. We allowed Whatsapp and Snapchat but not TikTok or Insta. I have this week removed Snapchat as due to an incident with a friend I needed to check a Whatsapp chat to verify if DD was telling the truth and I realised I wouldn't be able to do that if the incident had taken place on an app with disappearing messages.

She does watch too much YouTube but isnt allowed a channel. She watches TikTok on YouTube which I am not thrilled about but it doesnt seem quite so endless and I at least have an idea about what she is viewing from her history.

I know 3 teenage girls with really serious mental health problems who are obsessed with TikTok/insta and whilst correlation doesnt imply causation it is enough for me to be extremely cautious about it whilst not wanting DD to be singled out for not knowing about the latest trend videos etc.

Phone not allowed in bedroom overnight or on family days out, at mealtimes etc. Tablet is allowed on bedroom as she sets an audiobook to play from it just before it cuts off.

It is such a minefield to not make these things forbidden fruit or at least try and teach a bit of self regulation and I have no idea whether we are being too heavy handed or too lax

My dd is 12 and in y8 too. She has WhatsApp and have a safety app that controls amount of time on apps, so she has 20 minutes of snap chat and 5 minutes of tiktok a day. I don't have set rules for quantity of screen time, bit we do chat a lot about what she does online. And I monitor her mood, encourage her out etc. It's really tricky though

We have had a brief chat, and agreed that she can have her tablet in her room in the eves for a bit for Disney plus or Netflix, but YouTube etc downstairs for a while.

the YouTube channel needs to go as she isn’t old enough, and the screen goes off at 8 for sometime with us watching a film or playing a game etc before bed.

If her homework etc starts slipping then we revisit. She’s a very conscientious, sensible girl on the whole so we are hoping that this moderate approach works. Have also suggested some different out of the house activities together (in a separate conversation) to keep her active and keep us connected.

Thanks everyone! It’s very useful to talk this through with others.

I've a DD in Y8, also v conscientious and sensible.
She's only allowed WhatsApp and she has an Insta (for our dog) that I share access to.
She is allowed phone til 9 and goes to bed at 10, phone stays downstairs.
I'm a secondary teacher and Y10 form tutor and I can tell the kids who have unlimited access. Limits are really important, as are open conversations. Snapchat is awful and stirs up so much unnecessary drama.

? Nice one blaming the parents. Molly Russel did not have unsupervised internet access. The parents authorised which accounts she could have and followed Molly’s accounts specifically to monitor her activity:
“I knew Molly had an Instagram account and a Twitter account as I also had accounts on these platforms and we 'followed' each other, as did other members of the family.”

Sadly, as often happens, Molly just created a secret account….which is what kids do when their internet is being monitored:
"Molly closed the Twitter account of hers that we were all following and it was only after her death that I found out she had opened another account on Twitter."

In other words, don’t depend on supervision & monitoring to keep your child safe on the internet. www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-62981964

So, this is how we approached it. No limits beyond legal limits (like don’t lie and say you’re 18 when you’re not for certain apps etc). But rather chats about online safety, screen addiction & how to self regulate, cyber-bullying, and a don’t care what has happened we are 100% here to be a safety net to help you if anything makes you feel uncomfortable or if you are struggling with any difficult emotions. They did run into a few hairy situations, but without fail they came to us and we helped them out and taught them this is how you take care of your online safety and keep your boundaries solid.