Two sensitive people in a marriage + big feelings

[cupofteaandawaffle]

I’m in a bit of a state so thankful for any wise people who can help calm me down. My DH and me, it just feels like we’re fighting the whole time lately. I find it so overwhelming.

We’re both sort of sensitive people so emotions get really out of hand every time. He drinks a lot. He says it’s not too much but he tried to stop. And it didn’t work and now we fight all the time.

I get hurt so easily and so does he. We love each other so much, and he’s the kindest gentlest man. But every time we’re both saying it’s over; that we’re leaving. And then we fix it, but it’s just too much over and over. I don’t know where all this upset comes from in us both. It’s happened again tonight and I just feel so…desperate and overwhelmed. Any wise words from people who’ve had similar situation, or are sensitive people? Thanks

So what do you fight about? Surely nothing's so important that you regularly fight? Drink isn't good either.

If you want to make the relationship work, why do you both keep threatening to leave?

DH and I have been married for over 20 years and I think one of us has threatened to end the relationship just twice. It was serious both times and we had to make changes to resolve the issues.

Otherwise, we argue, avoid each other for abit while we calm down, and then one of us apologizes.

Try not to let things escalate, OP, physically walk away before really nasty things /threats to leave are said, and calm down. It sounds as if his drinking needs to be addressed. Try not to turn this into an argument, have a serious talk when he’s sober. Perhaps he needs to get some help to stop drinking?

In most relationships arguments go along very common lines nearly every time. So the trigger is common, followed by the complaint, followed by a claim, followed by a counter claim. So its not the argument its how you argue. Who starts? Why? Who takes higher moral ground? Who walks away? Who gets emotional. If you script your arguments they will nearly always follow the same pattern. Can you learn to discuss differently?

Thank you. That’s a really good point about why we say it’s over. I don’t know the answer. I think we both get so overwhelmed that it really feels like it is the end, like it’s such an extreme hurt. But that does sound silly when I say it here. We’ve had to deal with so many big issues while together - mental illness, addiction, miscarriages, abortions, cancer scares, family issues, dishonesty, trauma. It’s never an argument about who takes the rubbish out if you see what I mean.

What are you fighting about

Good question. We fight about his drinking. We fight about him feeling blamed unfairly for everything. We fight about one of us expressing anger / hurt and then the other one reacting.

You need to have some marriage counselling from someone who can help you communicate better, and he needs to knock off the booze.

This sounds like a toxic relationship. You’re trying to portray it as a dramatic romance between two sensitive souls, but I think that’s a romantic gloss on a bad relationship.

Counselling.

Or split (followed by some personal counselling).

How much does he drink? A martyr is very hard to deal with on the blame front I’m sorry

Married for 8. Still navigating this life. Love him to bits. Life recently means I have threatened to leave on at least 3 occasions this year. But. Bereavement, cost of living and big life changes has all contributed to this.
My OH has a black and white view of life. I see the world in a thousand colours.
We have tough years and we have easy years.
Do you want to leave OP? How much drink is it?

You said you have faced many issues, including addiction and dishonesty, are these sorted now?

No they’re not sorted. We’ve talked about them a lot but they’re not sorted. And I’m not allowed to bring them up, that just starts a tantrum about how he’s blamed for everything.

This.

He does not sound very kind or gentle. I think you need to start thinking about your future and whether you want to continue with this relationship.

Yes.

I agree with this.

Unless he addresses his drinking it will never get better. You can't fix him.

This relationship will just continue to spiral downwards.