Finally admitted I have some kind of eating disorder.

[20magnetsonthefridge]

I have name changed for this as frankly I am embarrassed by it but wonder if anyone could advise what I could do?
When I was around the age of 7 (42 years ago), I stayed over at my grandparents house. They allowed me to stay up and we watched a tv drama called ‘Tales of the Unexpected’. In this episode a pharmacist, who was having an affair, wanted to bump off his wife so got a box of chocolates and injected every one with poison.
Around that time I developed an irrational fear that my food was poisoned. So I would cut off g the poisoned pieces and hide them under my plate (mum said there would be a ring of food sitting there when she lifted the plate up).
I also believed that my saliva was also poisoned and would spit anywhere! There would be wet patches everywhere on the carpet and the cuffs of my sleeves would be soaking wet.
Since this time my relationship with food has not been great.
I have never enjoyed food like others do, I eat small portions and eat from a side plate. Food holds no pleasure for me. I have a huge fear of food poisoning and avoid many food types as a result.
Unfortunately, the above was all exacerbated when, at 25 I developed IBS. Since then my fear of food has become so much worse.
I have issues with the taste, smell, texture and often look of food. I eat around 10-15 different food types. I have ‘safe’ foods and stick to them.
I honestly don’t even know if this is an eating disorder or not. My husband and best friend tell me often that it is (they are the only ones who know my struggles with food).
I am not bulimic and not sure it’s anorexia although I have been very slim all my life and absolutely hate putting on weight, even just a few pounds. I hate feeling full and never, ever over eat.
I do not enjoy food and drink at all, not like others do. I often go all day without eating (not eating helps my IBS symptoms) and if I could I would take a pill instead of food.
This week, I finally plucked up the courage to explain all this to my GP. She gave me a prescription for Citalopram and the details for the BEAT charity. I felt a bit deflated although not sure what I expected to happen tbh.

To me it sounds like a form of ARFID - www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/types/arfid/

Thank you SoldierBoy

Yes you have an eating disorder.

Despite what people believe, eating disorders are not all about a desire to be thinner.

I'm also wondering if you may have other conditions based on your anxiety over poisoning and what you talk about tastes and textures. My DC is autistic and has similar sensory issues with food.

Should also day recent studies have found a correlation between people with eating disorders and people who have ASD/ADHD.

Raidtheice Yes, I have had other issues since childhood. Never gave ASD or ADHD a thought until recently (dd is waiting for an assessment). I score highly online for inattentive adhd but I also believe I have some ASD traits too. I can not seem to get through to the GPs that I’ve seen though. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older or they think I’ve jumped onto some kind of social media bandwagon but they just keep peddling the antidepressants.

It's so common for mums to recognise ND traits in themselves when getting help for their children. It is hard to get a diagnosis though especially if your GP is not open to looking into it. Any chance of going private?

FavouriteDogMug I would love to go privately but sadly just don’t have the funds, I was taken aback at just how expensive the assessments were. I’ve heard the wait times in my area are 3+ years on the NHS!

This sounds very much like ARFID, which often starts with childhood trauma around food. I have it too but not quite as bad, mine mostly affects me socially as its embarrassing to have limited places and foods I can eat.
There is help out there but it's really not that well known with GPs. I was referred for CBT and quite after I was given homework to 'spend time with some egg mayonnaise'. I'm not scared of the actual food, I just can't eat it!
I hope you find help OP, it can really get you down

That should say I quit*

ChristmasJumpers Thank you. I had read about ARFID but as it always mentions children I assumed it didn’t affect adults but what you say makes sense.