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New job is too hard

17 replies

ChocHaloTop · 29/09/2022 22:03

I am feeling down about my new job (well, new-ish, 10 months in but feels new still). Like a lot of people I left my old job during Covid. I previously excelled, was a top performer every year, earning well, but went through workplace bullying and couldn't handle it against the backdrop of the lockdowns, so I quit.

My new job is in the same industry, really good firm, hard to get in, great people, culture and equally good pay. The only thing is that I find it really hard. The firm is full of super-smart Oxbridge/Harvard grads who are much younger than me and take it all in their stride. My old job never felt hard. It is also remote working and I feel so isolated. I have no idea whether anyone else thinks I am doing badly because it is a low-feedback environment and again, remote working.

I miss my old job terribly but it's gone now... any suggestions on how to pick myself up a bit? Do better?

OP posts:
BocolateChiscuits · 29/09/2022 22:48

What is it that you find hard about your job?

Is it possible you're being too hard on yourself - maybe your self-esteem is still a bit low after the horrible experience at your last job, and the lack of feedback and remote working is compounding the problem.

Could you schedule a one-on-one with your manager to talk through your concerns?

Could you ask one of the super-smart Oxbridge/Harvard grad types to pair with you on particular bits that you're struggling with and use it as an opportunity to learn?

If you're open about your difficulties, people will want to help you. You may also find others start opening up to you about what they find hard too - they're likely not as confident and perfect as they seem from the outside.

Jalepenojello · 29/09/2022 22:52

I think you need to sit down and be really specific about what you find hard and work on it. Is it technical knowledge? Organisational skills? Are there internal issues that are not being addressed?

ChocHaloTop · 29/09/2022 23:26

@Jalepenojello it's exactly those two things. The others all have a very specific background and I don't, meaning that they have both technical knowledge and shared ways of working that I don't understand.

@BocolateChiscuits thanks, those are some good suggestions. I honestly don't think anyone else is struggling but they are helpful in general.

I don't have a manager. It's a matrix but to the point that line managers are not a thing.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

RainingRubies · 30/09/2022 01:26

OP at work everyone is projecting competence and confidence. People from the background you describe are brilliant at this, they've been coached on it for years.

That brings it's own weaknesses actually, having no self-doubt means little self-reflection and challenging of your own views which can backfire.

Companies do better with diverse staff with different views and persoectives to bring to the table. Studies prove this for example those that show that companies with an equal split of men and women on their Boards consistently outperform those with significant male majorities. I'd hazard a guess it would be true the other way around as well.

You have something to offer or they would not have employed you. In most organisations people are expected to take charge of their own CPD so do this: as for courses you need on technical skills or presenting or wherever you feel the gaps are. Is there a mentoring scheme? If so, join it and get one. Working remotely (I've done it for years pre-Covid) does not mean isolation: be proactive, set up meetings and call people.

Hawkins001 · 30/09/2022 01:30

ChocHaloTop · 29/09/2022 22:03

I am feeling down about my new job (well, new-ish, 10 months in but feels new still). Like a lot of people I left my old job during Covid. I previously excelled, was a top performer every year, earning well, but went through workplace bullying and couldn't handle it against the backdrop of the lockdowns, so I quit.

My new job is in the same industry, really good firm, hard to get in, great people, culture and equally good pay. The only thing is that I find it really hard. The firm is full of super-smart Oxbridge/Harvard grads who are much younger than me and take it all in their stride. My old job never felt hard. It is also remote working and I feel so isolated. I have no idea whether anyone else thinks I am doing badly because it is a low-feedback environment and again, remote working.

I miss my old job terribly but it's gone now... any suggestions on how to pick myself up a bit? Do better?

Look as your kpi,s and aim to surpass them as best as possible. Which industry are you op ?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/09/2022 01:44

So who supervises you? No one?

ChampagneCamping · 30/09/2022 01:45

Well you’ve got through your probation, so must be fine. How old are you op? Menopause and peri menopause can cause self doubt.

mackthepony · 30/09/2022 01:47

Technical as in some software or technical as you don't have en engineering degree?

And:

and shared ways of working that I don't understand.

^

What do you mean? Shared ways? Like a cloud system?

You need to explain more about your organisational skills please - what's the issue?

ChampagneCamping · 30/09/2022 01:48

Personally I’d workout where I fall short and approach other workers there who seem to do well in those areas. Ask them how they do things

RainingRubies · 30/09/2022 02:55

mackthepony · 30/09/2022 01:47

Technical as in some software or technical as you don't have en engineering degree?

And:

and shared ways of working that I don't understand.

^

What do you mean? Shared ways? Like a cloud system?

You need to explain more about your organisational skills please - what's the issue?

I presume by "shared ways of working" the OP means cultural norms in the profession that they are not familiar with.

GoneBeserk · 30/09/2022 03:41

There is a lot to unpack here!

First you arrive with baggage at your new place of work, having been driven out of a job you loved and excelled at due to bullying. Bullying that severe will have damaged your self-esteem and your trust in others and made you fearful; you must address this in your own self-development.

Your amazing firm doesn't sound amazing at all. A "great culture" where there is no one managing performance, giving feedback? A "great culture" where differences are not celebrated and people can become completely isolated and have no one to discuss it with? A "great culture" where absolutely no one is monitoring levels of staff engagement? It sounds a bit shit to me!

If you sat back and did no work at all, SOMEONE would take note and do something about to. Who would that someone be and is it someone you can approach to talk to about how things are going?

Very functionally-driven, matrix organisations rely on every employ being aligned to a shared culture and global objectives and it's a terrible "miss" for them to have hired their first "breaking the mould" employee (not Oxbridge/Yale, not same technical background or age) and then just left you to flounder. Like, it is a bit obvious it could go badly wrong. They don't sound as bright as you say they are (and I speak as an Oxbridge person who is definitely not a type nor arrogant nor a horrible person who would fail to check in with a new member of the team and make sure they are doing ok for TEN MONTHS).

May I ask OP: were you in your previous job for a long time? Often if you have become fantastic in a job, it can be a proper shock to start again in a new firm. You have to cultivate relationships, build your internal network, figure out how things work and how to get things done. You may find processes and Ways of Working are completely different. If the company is as great as you say, something must have initially appealed to you about this. They must have seen something in you they loved and hired you. Are you showing up at work the way you presented at interview?

Avoid like the plague this temptation to think the rest of the team is packed with identikit super-employees brimming with confidence, brilliance, etc. They are still just people. They may have learned to "show up" in a particular way and they may all be exceptionally bright. That doesnt mean they arent human and there is no one who is struggling.

Practical suggestions then:
You need to hit the reset button and take control of the situation. You are being passive and negative and you have to snap out of it. Be brave and ASK for feedback. Put 15 mins in the diary with a team mate you think is somewhat approachable for a chat. Level with them - say you were brilliant in your last job, but ten months in you're not finding things here are as you hoped they would be. Find out how this person gets feedback and what are culturally appropriate ways to ask for feedback. If they just scoff or laugh or say "what do you mean, feedback? We don't really do that here" then explain that is a major weakness of the organisation and pretty worrying. Then you can start to ask for feedback; on tasks, on meetings, on pieces of work. Literally ask, "here's the documentation I wrote - if you have 5 mins I'd love some feedback on how it turned out". Or, contact a stakeholder after a meeting- "may I steal two minutes of your time to check in following that meeting I chaired, just want to compare notes on what you thought went well and how i could make it work better another time."

Then go back and do some of your "first 90 days" activities. Map out people you need to be your supporters, people who don't matter as much etc. Contact the people who are most important to your mission and literally ASK what is their preferred way of working and share your own. I do that with all important stakeholders and team colleagues and managers in new jobs. Do they prefer email or meetings. Do they like a 1:1 over a virtual coffee now and then. Would a team meeting or social be a good idea. Share pet hates or triggers eg meeting invites with no agenda, lateness with no warning, missing deadlines, lack of ability to upwardly manage.

It is never to late to ask and try and recalibrate this. You can lead with "I'm not sure our working relationship is as effective as it could be, so I wanted to share my own preferred way of working and make sure we are on the right track"

Don't EVER lead into these conversations with weakness or statements about feelings. It is not "I'm struggling because..." or "I'm unhappy because...". It is always, "this company/team/you appear to operate in such-and-such a was and the impact of that on me is..." and then it might be, "As a result I am becoming isolated/ not developing in role/ not able to be fully productive/ not progressing towards meeting my objectives."

Give it 3 months and if you can't turn it around and your efforts meet blank stares or empty promises, then you look for another job. It's not a good place to work.

Softplayhooray · 30/09/2022 06:48

OP the young uns are still at the age where working round the clock feels all exciting and corporate and important, whereas you're at the age where it's just...lots more pressured work! I remember someone's little brother saying with pride how he'd stood by the photocopier all night to get printouts and work on a major case for the next morning (junior lawyer). I mean, that's a wanky piss take but he loved the whole feel of being in the cut n thrust. Fine to be past all that!

If they've assumed you have skills they haven't trained you for, they need to give you more support. Or you can learn as you go but please don't misread that as you failing somehow!

Don't miss the old place - you were bullied there and like other people said, it's probably dented your confidence. Maybe it's a case of finding your feet here - remote, highly qualified team, no bullying, collaborative ... You might come to enjoy it after a while.

Redqueenheart · 30/09/2022 08:19

It could simply be that this is not the right fit for you OP.

This could be because:

  • there is not enough diversity in the workforce in term of age and background (which is usually not a good thing as far as I am concerned)
  • you work better with a line manager. It is very uncommon not to have someone you can clearly report to and raise any issues with and I think many people would struggle with that
  • working fully remotely is not for you and you would enjoy more a hybrid work environment
  • they don't have in place a proper process to train new people and help fill any knowledge gaps they might have.

What you probably miss about the old place is that before the bully arrived it was set up in a way that met your expectations and helped you thrive.

If you have been with them for 10 months already and it is still not working I would start job hunting. Staying in a job for a year is not uncommon and you will likely reach that by the time you find a new role.

Figgyroller · 30/09/2022 08:30

GoneBeserk · 30/09/2022 03:41

There is a lot to unpack here!

First you arrive with baggage at your new place of work, having been driven out of a job you loved and excelled at due to bullying. Bullying that severe will have damaged your self-esteem and your trust in others and made you fearful; you must address this in your own self-development.

Your amazing firm doesn't sound amazing at all. A "great culture" where there is no one managing performance, giving feedback? A "great culture" where differences are not celebrated and people can become completely isolated and have no one to discuss it with? A "great culture" where absolutely no one is monitoring levels of staff engagement? It sounds a bit shit to me!

If you sat back and did no work at all, SOMEONE would take note and do something about to. Who would that someone be and is it someone you can approach to talk to about how things are going?

Very functionally-driven, matrix organisations rely on every employ being aligned to a shared culture and global objectives and it's a terrible "miss" for them to have hired their first "breaking the mould" employee (not Oxbridge/Yale, not same technical background or age) and then just left you to flounder. Like, it is a bit obvious it could go badly wrong. They don't sound as bright as you say they are (and I speak as an Oxbridge person who is definitely not a type nor arrogant nor a horrible person who would fail to check in with a new member of the team and make sure they are doing ok for TEN MONTHS).

May I ask OP: were you in your previous job for a long time? Often if you have become fantastic in a job, it can be a proper shock to start again in a new firm. You have to cultivate relationships, build your internal network, figure out how things work and how to get things done. You may find processes and Ways of Working are completely different. If the company is as great as you say, something must have initially appealed to you about this. They must have seen something in you they loved and hired you. Are you showing up at work the way you presented at interview?

Avoid like the plague this temptation to think the rest of the team is packed with identikit super-employees brimming with confidence, brilliance, etc. They are still just people. They may have learned to "show up" in a particular way and they may all be exceptionally bright. That doesnt mean they arent human and there is no one who is struggling.

Practical suggestions then:
You need to hit the reset button and take control of the situation. You are being passive and negative and you have to snap out of it. Be brave and ASK for feedback. Put 15 mins in the diary with a team mate you think is somewhat approachable for a chat. Level with them - say you were brilliant in your last job, but ten months in you're not finding things here are as you hoped they would be. Find out how this person gets feedback and what are culturally appropriate ways to ask for feedback. If they just scoff or laugh or say "what do you mean, feedback? We don't really do that here" then explain that is a major weakness of the organisation and pretty worrying. Then you can start to ask for feedback; on tasks, on meetings, on pieces of work. Literally ask, "here's the documentation I wrote - if you have 5 mins I'd love some feedback on how it turned out". Or, contact a stakeholder after a meeting- "may I steal two minutes of your time to check in following that meeting I chaired, just want to compare notes on what you thought went well and how i could make it work better another time."

Then go back and do some of your "first 90 days" activities. Map out people you need to be your supporters, people who don't matter as much etc. Contact the people who are most important to your mission and literally ASK what is their preferred way of working and share your own. I do that with all important stakeholders and team colleagues and managers in new jobs. Do they prefer email or meetings. Do they like a 1:1 over a virtual coffee now and then. Would a team meeting or social be a good idea. Share pet hates or triggers eg meeting invites with no agenda, lateness with no warning, missing deadlines, lack of ability to upwardly manage.

It is never to late to ask and try and recalibrate this. You can lead with "I'm not sure our working relationship is as effective as it could be, so I wanted to share my own preferred way of working and make sure we are on the right track"

Don't EVER lead into these conversations with weakness or statements about feelings. It is not "I'm struggling because..." or "I'm unhappy because...". It is always, "this company/team/you appear to operate in such-and-such a was and the impact of that on me is..." and then it might be, "As a result I am becoming isolated/ not developing in role/ not able to be fully productive/ not progressing towards meeting my objectives."

Give it 3 months and if you can't turn it around and your efforts meet blank stares or empty promises, then you look for another job. It's not a good place to work.

I'm not the OP but just wanted to say how useful this advice is. I'm in a relatively similar situation (also remote with limited management/role definition which is starting to cause concern) and this is a great list of actions.

ChocHaloTop · 02/10/2022 22:23

Thank you all for the replies, I haven't been online in a few days and so didn't see them. There is some excellent advice here, especially from @GoneBeserk. I will need to read more carefully and see what I can implement.

@ChampagneCamping I just turned 42 and think I am beginning to experience early symptoms of peri. It isn't the root cause but I have wondered if it could be exacerbating things.

OP posts:
GoneBeserk · 03/10/2022 08:40

OP, every day is a new day, I just woke up to an awful email that’s going to make my boss really mad at me. But..l am facing into it. Deep breath, cup of tea! Hope you have a GOOD day, to set up the week to a good start.

Mamette · 03/10/2022 17:46

Fantastic advice from @GoneBeserk and how kind of them to put that post together. I’m sure it will help many others as well as the OP.

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