Being managed by your personality clash. Survival tips please.

[ColinRobinsonsfamiliar]

Ever been in this situation?
I am and it’s so bloody challenging.

To add to this, this manager mansplains absolutely ever in such a patronising way and knows absolutely nothing about my role.

Im trying really hard, I am.

They have just taken on this managerial position but it has become clear from previous months of working with them (different roles entirely) that although they believe that they know, they have very little idea and have never managed anyone in my job role before.

Any words of wisdom?

I’m going to have to go to plan B then.
Its a smack round the chops with a wet fish.

I need sensible advice and an alternative plan B mumsnet!

Oh this is really tough.

I don't have much wisdom, except to recognise that I am no good at management and I need to try and let the manager do their job up to a point.

Can you all start bigging each other up in meetings - your colleagues? Highlight what you're doing well, rhank each other and copy your manager into the praise? Sounds incredibly basic but you'd be surprised what it can do.

Ask questions
’oh great - what happened when you last did that?’
’how else did this turn out when you did it?’
etc

@PermanentTemporary i like that idea too - give him a list of what’s been achieved

It depends on what the issue is.

I have a director who likes to tell people what my teams do, then tries to talk over me to explain. I sit back and let him talk. Then usually say ‘actually Bob isn’t entirely correct and missed a few things.’ Then actually explain.

I find, gently, challenging this man every time works. The other people in the meeting appreciate me not tell him to shut the fuck up and making it awkward. and he slowly started shutting his mouth. And everyone else can see that he doesn’t know what he is talking about. And there’s no way he can accuse me of doing something wrong.

Look for a new job. It's sole destroying living like that.

It's hard.

If numpty manager has support of higher ups:

Key advice is to 'rise above' as Michelle Obama would say, pity his ignorance and take every opportunity to expose it and call it out. But do it subtly @PhoneyM suggestions are excellent ones.

"Oh, so you think I should do it x way. Funny in the last 500 times oive done that I did it this way and it worked fine". I think I'll stick with the trend and tested industry standard this time, but thanks for the input".

But mostly, just let them prattle on, head tilted to,one side, then do it the way you were going to do it anyway.

That said make sure you keep notes on any dodgy instructions, misdirections, aggression etc might subject you to, noting your objection and the consequences. Keep this as evidence later on if you need it.

If upper management seem ambivalent / non supportive of him:
Expose his shortfalls (subtly) at every opportunity, especially in meetings "oh let me defer to x to answer that one as I know he has a lot of thoughts about it" . And watch him make a tit of himself.
Delegate upwards every time he has a 'better idea' of how to do something "ok so why don't you do it, I'll observe and you can talk me through step by step'. And get EVERYTHING in writing to cover your arse when it goes wrong. You will then have a string (rope) of evidence with which to crucify him when you escalate.

Third option (if you have the patience and like him enough) is to help him, educate him and cal, out his bullshit in a friendly but forthright manner "oh x that is totally daft and will end up in a shit show. Let's do it my way and you can see what I mean ".

Also spark up conversations asking about which management training they have found to be the best and which books they'd recommend for you to read on the matter 😬 might help him to address some of his shortfalls

Also suggest to HR and him that 360 degree reviews are adopted so that you have the opportunity to give robust , helpful upwards feedback. Even better make the 360 review idea his baby for him to take to HR 😬

Hope this helps.

I had this and it nearly killed me. I cried a LOT. It wasn't that she wasn't good at her job, she's really experienced and great at her job in her way. She just made me feel like shit constantly and didn't get the best from me. In turn I became less and less motivated and confident to the extent I barely functioned. Neither of us were wrong exactly, just couldn't understand one another and had completely different communication styles. She is someone who prides herself on 'telling it like it is' and that sort of directness causes me to shut down.

In the end I was moved to a different team by management who took pity on me. My new line manager is much calmer, kinder and on my wavelength and he absolutely brings out the best in me as a result.

I don't know how you would manage it if you couldn't move. I minimised our working interactions by working full days on her half days, and tried to keep everything to email where possible as I often found our interpretations of a conversation would differ significantly afterwards.

Good luck.

If you want to stay you have to learn to manage your manager. Hopefully they are consistent in their approach and you'll get to know what works for you and how to present things in the way they respond to. It is the inconsistent ones that are a nightmare ,never know where you are from one day to the next. Cover your back with emails and notes (depending on your role). Lots of deep breathing , team solidarity.

Thanks everyone.

The only way I can describe it is imagine you are making your bed. You’ve done it a million times before in a different department.
You ask them to help you with the duvet cover please.
That person then stops and begins to explain to you the best way to make that bed and put the duvet cover on.
But launch into the best quality method, how their wise and sage way is by far the most efficient and then tell you how you should have a conversation with the next person you ask to help with the duvet cover.
Then they tell you to have a go at doing it yourself, but it needs to be done in the next 30 seconds and in front of 10 people.

Obviously, I don’t work making beds or changing duvet covers but it’s an example of how these things go.

I have decades of experience. I don’t think that they are aware of this. If they are and still speak to me like this, then that’s fucking infuriating.

just to clarify, it’s not about better or new ways of working, them giving advice and guidance, it’s that they are so condescending and smug and really believe themselves to be wise and safe.

Sage

Let it go over your head and hope they wise up. I have been in the work place a long time and decided to stick at a certain level. I have to accept that I am sometimes managed by people with less years of work experience and who think they are inventing the wheel.

Sorry if I’ve missed the point….but using your analogy, why ask them for help with making a bed if you already know how to do it?

I'm currently working my notice and this is part of it.

Like any relationship, you can't change them, only your own reactions. Play Idiot Bingo in your head, silently betting on what they'll say next. Smile and nod. Watch the US version of The Office and be thankful you're not managed by Michael Scott. Try to be amused rather than frustrated. But that's easier said than done and consider moving on.