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Original poster

Guiding DD (5) how to deal with girls at school being little ratbags

18 replies

INeedNewShoes · 26/09/2022 11:55

DD is in y1 in a small year group (11 kids)

We have an issue as one of her peers keeps walking up to her and saying 'You're not playing with me and X at break time' or 'We're not going to let you play our game'.

DD is bothered by this even though she doesn't generally choose to play with these particular two at break times.

Odd thing is that this girl actually seems to like DD and has actively sought to do the same activities as her. Her mum is lovely and seems to want to encourage the friendship.

I don't know the other girl of the pair well but I did hear her make a slightly catty comment towards DD recently so I'm wondering if it's being driven by her.

OP posts:

WTF99 · 26/09/2022 11:58

Speak to the teacher who can address this, especially in such a small class, and teach the children how to be inclusive

FlibbertyGiblets · 26/09/2022 11:59

First of all let the class teacher know. They should be able to monitor and intervene if needed.

blockpavingismynightmare · 26/09/2022 12:02

Unless your child is getting upset about this sometimes it is best to allow her to deal with it herself which they are fully capable of doing given the chance. You are probably worrying more than she is OP

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Original poster

INeedNewShoes · 26/09/2022 12:04

It is upsetting her otherwise I'd happily leave it.

OP posts:

SheRasBra · 26/09/2022 12:04

I had a similar problem when DD was little. One girl wasn't just refusing to play with her but telling other girls that if they chose to play with my DD then they couldn't be friends with her. School spoke to this girl and said that she didn't have to play with DD but that she shouldn't try and influence others. The former is just her choice but the second is being unkind.

That said, they're all a bit weird and learning the rules of socialising at this age and it shouldn't take anything more than a quiet word from the teacher. Who knows if it's actually just her trying to get your DD's attention because she likes her!

Original poster

INeedNewShoes · 26/09/2022 12:05

I'd like to teach her the resilience or just not giving a f*ck that I think we all need to navigate stuff like this at school, rather than her feeling that she needs an adult to handle it for her.

OP posts:

kimchifox · 26/09/2022 12:17

I remember this scenario from when DD was in Y1. One child in particular was always saying things like "you can't play with x, I am in charge of her".. 🙄

I think your options are to take it to school so they can work with all the children on kindness / inclusivity etc

Additionally you can work with your DD to give your her some strategies to cope, and things to say that will empower her in the situation.

There's a book I had called "How to stick up for Yourself" - aimed at slightly older kids but might have some good ideas. It's on Amazon.

Thegreenballoon · 26/09/2022 12:19

You can’t teach a five year old not to be hurt by a peer saying nasty things to them - if she’s upset she’s upset. She doesn’t need to be resilient (which so often just means “don’t show you’re hurting”) or “not to give anything”, she needs help from an adult so the other child can be spoken to. If you think she can handle it I might suggest she tells her teacher rather than you stepping straight in to do it for her, but I’d say asking for help from an adult if someone is bullying her is precisely the correct strategy and is what school would tell her to do.

tickticksnooze · 26/09/2022 12:26

Learning to ask for and accept help from others is an important life skill.

BettyOBarley · 26/09/2022 12:27

I have this exact situation with one of Dd's "friends" but they are in Yr3.
I've also gone down the line of not stepping in (although the teacher is aware) and trying to teach DD how to stick up for herself (which she definitely needs in general anyway) with a bit of role play etc, ideas of what to say.
I bought her a book about friendships from Amazon aimed at that age group as well.
I've also just tried to encourage her to find new friends and spend her time with people who don't make her feel bad, which she has, but still plays with this girl most days and it's settled down - for now.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 26/09/2022 12:31

DS had this from one boy when he was little. I did a role play with him where I taught him to shrug his shoulders, turn his back and go and do something else and look as though he's really enjoying it. When the other boy stopped getting a reaction from DS, he stopped excluding him.

drspouse · 26/09/2022 12:38

It isn't just girls... My DD says one of her friends (boy) says "this is a two person game" quite a lot.
I've told her it's a bit silly to say that and if she wants others to join in with them, or to join in if he's playing with someone else, she should just say that's silly.

Dogtooth · 26/09/2022 12:41

Can you role play it with duplo figures or something? Show her how it's better to shrug it off and find someone else to play with, talk about how the other girl is not being very kind and what the best way to respond would be.

Talk to DD about how she can avoid behaving the same way to other kids. They tend to tell you about other kids being mean to them, but not the other way around!

Dogtooth · 26/09/2022 12:45

There's a nice gentle Shirley Hughes story about this - forgotten what it's called. They're at school or nursery and two boys go up in a treehouse, say it's their club and let everyone in apart from a few of the kids.

Those kids play in the sandpit, have so much fun all the other kids join them and leave the two boys alone in the treehouse looking silly. Then the kids who were initially excluded invite them down to join in.

Original poster

INeedNewShoes · 26/09/2022 12:55

There's a nice gentle Shirley Hughes story about this

We actually have this story - I'll read that with DD tonight.

She generally doesn't choose to play with these two anyway so it's not the exclusion that's the issue. I'd definitely speak to the teachers if they were excluding her from joining in a game with others or whatever.

The child in question just has a habit of saying things that are rude/obnoxious (to adults as well as kids) so I want DD to just not take it seriously or personally.

However, if it persists, I'll have a chat with her teacher.

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 26/09/2022 13:32

@INeedNewShoes - I'd actually go in to the school and have a word with the teacher now, before it develops further.

You're aware of it, your DD brought it to your attention because she isn't managing to deal with it herself, so she needs you to step up and go to the teacher on her behalf.

As for the mother who wants to encourage the friendship, but I wouldn't be.
I'd try and be a bit busy every so often so that your DD doesn't only have this one girl as a friend outside of school. Do different activities with your DD and preferably ones that you know your DD might drop after a term or so but that the other girl may like to carry on with so that they end up doing different activities (if you understand me). Then if you are approached by this other mum you could say "Oh yes, DD is just at a phase where she's trying a lot of after school activities out. We've been trying piano/flute/violin/guitar/recorder/tennis/basketball/weaving/arts and crafts/whatever and she just can't settle on what interests here. She is still so young though" and laugh it off. It is 100% none of her business and you don't want to make it her business.

sourgreenplums · 26/09/2022 16:21

I'd focus on teaching your daughter to think about what she wants in terms of friendships and how to achieve it. So in this case, she isn't bothered about playing with these 2, so if they say " you're not playing with us" she can say" that's fine, I'm playing with so and so" and join another group. Focus on what she wants but remind her about not owning friends. Nobody owns friends, they aren't personal toys. You can't say who other friends can play with and you can't make someone play with you if they don't want to. You can only make your own choices, for example in the way that you can only move your own pieces on a board game. Explain that this is difficult for some children to understand so it takes time and in primary school she'll hear a lot of children telling others what to do and who to play with. Personally I think this helps children remember that they are the players of their own game, and can decide each move. It's useful when for example she wants to do something different to the group or say no to something she'd rather not do.

minipie · 26/09/2022 16:27

We had a similar situation

I left it and just encouraged DD to shrug it off and play with others.

Fast forward a year and there’s a whole embedded queen bee dynamic with one girl running the show and deciding what game and who can play, every lunchtime. Mean comments too. And several of the other girls regularly upset at home about it. DD meanwhile has given up on the girls and played with the boys (not a bad thing but I’d have preferred it not to be because of exclusion).

Long story short: I wish I’d gone to the teacher and she’d nipped it in the bud much earlier.

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