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Original poster

Please share your family rules regarding alcohol

35 replies

NewToRenting · 26/09/2022 10:59

My teen is starting to show interest and I am aware that she will soon be invited to parties where alcohol may well be available. As a much older mum whose parents never had the alcohol discussion, I'm a bit lost where to start. I can only think of 'no underage drinking' and 'don't drink and drive' (to be fair she has a few years to go before she can either drive or legally drink).
Pls share your family rules, and I'll see if I can steal some!

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 26/09/2022 11:09

Depends on his age.

RagingWoke · 26/09/2022 11:19

How old and mature is the teen?

The rule in our house growing up was we were allowed a drink (glass of wine etc) at home with meals or at special occasions from around 12. It took away the forbidden attraction, my parents were also fairly relaxed and as long as we weren't in dangerous situations/told them where we were then they were ok with us experimenting to a degree so when my friends were lying about where they were, getting dangerously drunk and hiding things I was able to have a drink at parties without getting black out drunk and be able to call my parents if I needed them or for a lift home without fear.
I still had boundaries and knew when something wasn't acceptable and I think it made me safer as a teen.

It's very personal and not everyone wants to take this approach. My experience is that if teens want to do something they will do it- the more forbidden the more exciting- and I'd rather my dc felt able to come to me (although my dc aren't there yet).

purpleboy · 26/09/2022 11:22

We don't really have family rules, DH and I don't drink a huge amount but do enjoy a drink if we have friends over or parties etc..
DD (19) was raised around alcohol as we owned a hotel, if she wanted to try it we let her, she most often didn't like the taste of it.
She would have a WKD or something else low alcohol if we had a bbq, she doesn't go out drinking much but has always been sensible when she has. But I've always told her we wouldn't judge her if she gets too drunk and needs our help and to call us. She has on a couple of occasions but for her friends rather than her. We've never passed judgement and she knows she can trust us if something bad happens.

Sorry if that's no use to youGrin

Cwcwbird · 26/09/2022 11:27

We dont really have hard and fast rules. I'd like to think me and dh model a healthy relationship with alcohol in that they see us drink sometimes but never to excess.

My 15 to son has just been allowed his first proper alcohol - he went to a party with parents there who were allowing 2 cans of cider each. We went along with that and he was fine.

I've had lots of relaxed chats with them about the perils of shorts, drinking too much, how it impacts your judgement etc.

So far neither of my teens are massively bothered about drinking.

Cwcwbird · 26/09/2022 11:28

I've been very honest with mine about how underage drinking was the norm when I was young and all the ways I saw it going wrong.

Northernsoullover · 26/09/2022 11:33

I left the decision to my children. I explained about the risks of physical and sexual assault and the science behind what alcohol does to your brain and body. I haven't given it to them and wouldn't buy it for them. I've never said don't drink but asked them to weigh up the potential consequences of drinking.
According to MN they are due to go off the rails because I haven't poured them a cab sauvignon with their pizza but at nearly 18 and 20 they don't drink. Some of my older ones friends do but not to excess. They will meet in the pub and play pool and talk, or go to a gig.

Olivetreebutter · 26/09/2022 11:55

We grew up in an Italian heritage household so wine was served with dinner, topped up with water, from about 4. Water cut out at about 12, though I'd often have a larger shandy or wine spritzer until about 14.
From 16 we could take 2 or so bottles of beer to friends for a party, and at home we could have a beer with dinner or a couple of glasses of wine.
Drinking and driving wasn't an option, we were given lifts if we went to parties, and picked up at any time up until 1am.
I realise that isn't the English way, but it worked for us (and for millions of italian families).

TeenDivided · 26/09/2022 12:54

Neither of mine have been interested.

What we said though was

  • start at home please as you will learn the effects safely. Plus your small size will mean you will tolerate far less than a 6ft tall rugby player.
  • never drink and drive, or be a passenger with someone who has been drinking
  • we (i.e. Dad) will always come and collect you
Original poster
NewToRenting · 28/09/2022 06:34

Sorry haven't been able to check back here for a while. Lots of useful inputs, thank you. I fully appreciate that every family is different and there is a cultural aspect to this as well.
We are an almost teetotal household. DH does not drink at all, I have the ocasional glass of wine or cocktail at parties. So introducing her at home is unfortunately not an option, it would be like the blind leading the blind!
She's 14 so still quite young in my opinion, especially as we live in a country where things are very conservative. She goes to a school with lots of British and European kids, and says many of her friends are already drinking at parties, or sneaking some at home.
I don't mind social drinking when she's a bit older, but am aware that she will want to experiment and find her own boundaries. Like any parent, I want her to be safe and healthy.
So taking inspiration from your very helpful posts, my rules will be

  • no underage drinking (will probably be broken) though she can try a sip or two
  • no binge drinking esp under peer pressure
  • never drink and drive, or be a passenger with someone who has been drinking
  • we will always come and collect you, no judgement or punishment (that last part will be tricky but we need to get there)
Do these sound unreasonable?
OP posts:
reluctantbrit · 28/09/2022 07:35

DD is 15 and since she is 12/13 we tell her that she can try if she wants.

She doesn't like beer or wine or sparkling wine. She likes a bit of cider but won't even drink a 1/2 pint glass.

She had a very watered down Pimms (normally mixed with extra lemonade topped up) this summer and we had a M&S sparkling cocktail (around the same strength as a lager) last year she likes.

She is allowed to try a glass on Friday or Saturdays only and only if she has a meal with it, definitely not during school days. We had discussions about alcohol and also the school run several workshops. We have friends who don't drink or drink very moderate but she also sees DH and me drinking at home in the evenings.

She is one of the youngest in her class, so the 16th birthdays will come in and she is invited to a 18th birthday in November (the party was split into under 18 and over 18 year old guests) so we need a decent talk about pressure at parties.

SheWoreYellow · 28/09/2022 07:37

If you aren’t allowing her to drink before eighteen, then why do you need the rules?

PaperPalace · 28/09/2022 07:40

Your first rule seems a bit pointless due to the (will probably be broken) after it. Is it worth having a rule you're not expecting her to stick to?

cookiecreammmpie · 28/09/2022 07:46

My eldest is 14 so I've not had him going to parties with friends where there's drinking yet but he is allowed a couple of low alcohol ciders at family parties and occasionally at home. He rarely asks but I do allow him when he wants one. I don't want him getting to 18 and going out drinking when he's never even tried it before.

alrightfella · 28/09/2022 07:46

The rule of no underage drinking is tricky, and the most likely to be broken and where it's likely to go wrong. You are then making alcohol forbidden, which is likely to make it much more appealing.

I do think our role as parents is to bring up children by giving them independence safely so that when they reach adulthood they are ready to fly. This also means that they have to learn by their own (and friends) mistakes too. If you shelter them from everything how will they learn.

Fwiw, my kids tried alcohol at family parties/weddings/Christmas but rarely liked it. At 15 they were allowed the odd cider, beer, wkd. By sixth form 16-18 they were allowed to drink sensibly at parties. This means 2/3 of the above. Advised them to avoid spirits when drinking with friends.

TheFuckingDogs · 28/09/2022 07:52

Also a healthy culture around alcohol so the rule “never ever drink alone” which teen is unlikely to do now but sets them in good stead as they enter adulthood.

you have 2 separate issues. Immediate safety of young teen and promoting healthy drinking culture going forward too.

Mariposista · 28/09/2022 08:04

Teena are allowed a small glass of wine or a beer with us at home. Once they got older it was no big deal and they usually choose not to drink because they are so into their sports. We set an example and abstain if we are driving.
We laugh and eye roll at strict no alcohol families, their kids usually end up as the drunken inexperienced lot when it’s finally legal.

Fullsomefrenchie · 28/09/2022 08:08

What does no under age drinking look like to young? Is that 16/18/21? What’s the law in the country you live in?

Original poster
NewToRenting · 28/09/2022 08:11

Legal drinking age is 21 here, I doubt we'll make it. But if it's limited to a few sips here and there, I think I would call it a success.

OP posts:
sparklecement · 28/09/2022 08:11

DS is 15. We’ve offered him a small cider or a bottle of beer but he’s not interested so far. He saw his dad very drunk after a stag night (another thread entirely) and I think that’s put him off.

scrufffy · 28/09/2022 08:13

My rule such as it was was that they could have some alcohol from about 15 at home

If they were going to parties when older teens I wouldn't buy them alcohol to take.

Lastly, if they were ever in a situation where things were making them feel uncomfortable, no matter what or where, I would come and get them.

BillHadersLeftEye · 28/09/2022 08:13

A few sips made me laugh. I can't see a 20 year old asking a mate for a few sips of a beer. Of course they will break that rule and likely lie to you about it too

HardLanding · 28/09/2022 08:16

I don’t drink at all because I was raised by alcoholics who I’m NC with, so this is a dry house. I also had an issue with binge drinking in my early 20s, prior to having DCs, and all the dangerous situations that come with that.

My ExFIL is an alcoholic and unfortunately my DCs have been exposed to that, along with all the foul behaviour, because I can’t make my ex not take our children there.

Eldest is 14 and so far shows zero interest in it, so I’m following with interest.

Olivetreebutter · 28/09/2022 08:18

NewToRenting · 28/09/2022 08:11

Legal drinking age is 21 here, I doubt we'll make it. But if it's limited to a few sips here and there, I think I would call it a success.

Rather than say no drinking before 21, you might be better helping them think through the consequences of drinking before that age.
For instance if they go into higher education its going to be everywhere, and probably a lot of pressure to drink. Saying you can have a drink if you want to, but just remember if you get caught this could cause you to a)get some kind of police record b)lose your place at college etc etc so they go into it with their eyes open.
Also 'no binge drinking' - what does that mean? What level is classed as binge? If they aren't supposed to drink before 21, then they shouldn't be binge drinking. After 21 they can do what they like.
A better 'rule' might be "we've raised you to be sensible kids, treat alcohol as you would any dangerous substance that has the chance to impact your life and the lives of others. Handled badly it's a dangerous as a gun. If you drink, drink sensibly and in a safe environment. If it doesn't look safe sober, it isn't safe dunk."

lemonyelderflower · 28/09/2022 08:18

If 21 is the legal age where you are, they will probably have been at College/University for three years by then? So if they have been living independently for three years...how are you planning on imposing that rule?

TooManyMoronsHere · 28/09/2022 08:18

Drinking age is 18 in UK, I can guarantee you most kids will be trying alcohol by 13/14. Those parents who are saying their children won't be are being very naive. Alcohol is stocked in most households. When I was teen I had friends with vastly different socio-demographics, from those who used to hire private helicopters and had swimming pools in their gardens to those on the breadline - they were all the same and all tried alcohol underage.

This is very typical of the UK, not sure about other countries that have 21 drinking age.