Lazy teen - My fault.

[Helpmewithteen]

My husband and I are in our early 40’s and we have a son who is nearly 18.

Our son isn’t a bad kid. He’s not into drugs or partying; he never comes home drunk; he doesn’t smash the house up and he’s never been in trouble with the police. He’s polite to family and other people. We are very proud of him in that sense, but…

We know we have spoiled him. It’s our fault. We have bought him ridiculously expensive gifts over the years; Apple Macs; gaming computers; games consoles; expensive clothes and trainers; luxury holidays etc. We’ve given him substantial sums of money, he has a bank account with around £4000 from doing nothing. We aren’t rich by any means, not even close, but both DH and I work full time (have done since I was 14) and everything we have, we’ve given to our son. To the point that even when my parents give us Christmas money each, it all goes to our son etc.

We thought it was love. We’d do anything for him…but he’s just becoming lazier and lazier as he’s getting older. He won’t help with the house; he won’t even bring his own rubbish downstairs; he won’t get a job because he wants to prioritise school, but then he won’t do any school work or revision because he “can’t be bothered”. He won’t fill in his UCAS form now because “I really am just that lazy”, despite knowing it’ll cost to do it later. If I say I won’t pay, he just makes reference to his bank account of thousands (which is what we gave him).

I feel like a complete failure. I thought I was being a good parent, and now I realise that DH and I have created this. I don’t need anyone to tell us this is our fault, I take full responsibility…but I’m asking if anyone knows what I can do now to make this better?

I have already stopped his money for nothing. The problem is that I can’t take what we’ve given him back, so he’s got this ‘buffer’ shall we call it.

Ive talked to him nicely about it and approached getting a job or doing his school work from a more positive angle, without nagging or shouting and he’s equally belligerent.

I could cry because I love him to pieces and I want him to be resilient, motivated and hardworking, so he doesn’t get stuck in a dead end job in the future and I feel like I’ve inadvertently set him down the wrong path, by giving and doing so much that he’s now just spoiled and entitled instead.

We thought it was love

It was love. It still is.

I thought I was being a good parent

You were. You are.

Look, he's capable of being polite when it suits him (so he's not a lost cause) and capable of being an entitled little shit too.

So back off. If he won't work then make it clear there's no more money forthcoming. Let him burn through the £4k if he chooses, it is his money. He can pay for the UCAS application too.

Don't nag him to study or apply to uni - love him enough to let him fail if he chooses.

He's only 18 and there's plenty of time to pull his socks up, re-apply to uni, do an apprenticeship, get a job...

You and your DH go out, have some fun and see what your son makes of himself.

Best of luck.

I agree, stop buying him clothes etc…, just say he has plenty and doesn’t need any more. If he chooses to buy stuff then 4K won’t get him that far, it’ll be gone before he knows it! Then explain that you’re getting older and need money for pensions etc…. You’ve given him what you can, he’s spent it!! Stay loving but firm. As you say he’s a good boy, he’ll work it out. All 17 year olds a lazy btw, and need some sort of push!

Lesson learn then .....

Stop beating yourself up. He sounds like a very normal boy. TBH, you could have expected far more from him and still ended up with a son who doesn't tidy his room and procrastinates on school work, because that's a really common way for 17yos to be!

I'd start doing less for him and buying him less- he has money himself so he can buy his own clothes etc. Remind him once to do his ucas form, don't keep reminding him. Show him how to use the washing machine etc and then expect him to do it etc etc. But it really doesn't sound as if you've gone wrong in some terrible way, just as if it's time to step back a bit so that he can step forward.

Most teenagers are lovely and aren't getting pissed and smashing things up.

You need to go back a few steps and teach him about money. You've taught him that he is more important than you. So now he thinks he is.

Whatever you do, don't encourage his to stay at home for university and make it clear that if he doesn't go to university needs to get a full time job. It's not a fill the UCAS form and go to university or lie in bed while mammy and daddy go to work.

OK he has enough money now so I wouldn't buy him anything new or give him money, apart from small gifts for his birthday and Christmas.

He needs to sit down with both parents and you should talk about the different paths he can take in life. Talk about the consequences of him not having a job - he'll have nothing to put on a CV, nothing to put on a personal statement. Talk about him applying late to university and finding the courses he likes offer higher grades now as they're over-subscribed. If he doesn't want to go to university talk about apprenticeships and how - if you're lazy - they'll get rid of you.

You need to both tell him that not working isn't an option.

You will have to be really tough with him and clearly you're not used to that, but don't back down - you are helping to turn him into a young man you can be proud of.

All 17 year olds a lazy btw, and need some sort of push!

Not true at all.

Sit him down and point out that at 18 the handouts stop. If he wants to live under your room he will need to contribute financially unless he's in full time education. There will also be an expectation to contribute to the running of the household, agree some chores. He is no longer a child.
Does he drive or want to learn to drive? If so £4000 will be gone in the blink of an eye with the cost of driving lessons, a car and insurance.

It will be hard to start but try to stop doing everything for him. If he doesn't put a wash on then he will have no clean clothes. If he doesn't remove the rubbish from his role he will have to live in a rubbish dump.

You haven't ruined him. He's young, he's got time ahead of him to learn. Don't forget you have role modelled being hard working, generous, kind his whole life. That is not a bad start in life for him, is it?

You need to move on from this agony of guilt that you've created a monster, or you will create more problems. He's not the only teen to be lazy. Most of them turn out all right in the end, especially those with such engaged parents.

Thank you all. I’m feeling a bit better now. We had a bit of a family argument this morning and I just felt awful.

We’ve reiterated to him that the money is stopping and he has a month to find a part time job, otherwise his gym membership and phone contract get cancelled. We don’t want money off him, but we want him to understand what it’s like to be working. Perhaps that will motivate him at school as well.

We’ve also told him that there are three of us living in the house, so three of us should be contributing to keeping it tidy and it wouldn’t hurt him to push the vacuum around from time to time.

As for school, we’ve said that that’s up to him. We’d like him to try a bit harder for his own good, but at the end of the day, we are not responsible for his exam grades.

He’s not particularly happy, especially about getting a job, but we’ve made it clear that it’s not negotiable. Even if it’s just a few hours a week.

We’ll see now I guess. Thank you for all the feedback.

More the fool you then.

We’ve also told him that there are three of us living in the house, so three of us should be contributing to keeping it tidy and it wouldn’t hurt him to push the vacuum around from time to time.

This sounds incredibly wet OP. Why didn't you give him a list of chores like 'normal' (i.e. non-mollycoddled) kids get? You're not doing him any favours like this.

This could literally be my DD apart from she is quite motivated to do her school work. She had a job for about three weeks and then quit as she hated it, couldn't believe how little she was paid and has enough money squirrelled away to cope from over generous allowances.

Push the vacuum round now and again???

How about he takes over some actual jobs? My were cooking a meal each a week from about 14. Everyone should be doing the ordinary day to day tasks. Like the washing and all the endless food buying and preparing.

One of my DD's went to university this week. There is a man in her halls who can't cook anything at all. My own dd is not a good cook but she can boil up some pasta and make a sauce.

You can't send someone out into the world who thinks pushing a hoover round every now and again is an acceptable contribution to living in a home.

It sounds like he won't be ready for uni next year. You need to be tougher- who is going to tidy when your tone is "It would be nice if you'd vacuum" Assign him a task Oke buying ingredients once a week, cooking dinner for everyone then clearing up (he can pay since he's loaded) and get him doing his own laundry and ironing in preparation for uni. My kids have been gobsmacked at how many of their peers at uni can't do laundry or don't know basics like don't put metal in a microwave.

I agree with the poster who says that not all 17yo are lazy. Mine all had jobs from year 12 because their allowance was at a level that motivated them to find work. (They are lucky to live in a household where I wouldn't charge board until they were working full time)

Tone down his Christmas gifts and birthdays. His 4K would pay for driving lessons (if he has motivation to learn)

There is time to turn things around. At least he's not already at uni or cohabiting with a partner and expecting them to do the housework.

No, quite right. Inspired by a comment above, DH he has said to DS that on the back of our conversation, there will be a weekly chore calendar and he’ll have to check what needs to be done and he WILL have jobs to do. Also, he will need to take care of his own washing and his own breakfast/lunch as I simply don’t have time for everything.

I also think it’s a good idea for him to cook once a week for the family, but I might introduce that next week as I think today has already come as a bit of a shock to him. I might have him help me to begin with and let him take over gradually…or I suspect it’ll be Nutella on toast for dinner.

In fairness he did go out and when asked where he went, snapped ‘looking for jobs’.

Yea, seventeen year olds should be making their own breakfast and lunch.

You want him to be responsible, resilient and motivated - how have you nurtured those traits? Do you push and challenge him? Allow him to fail safely? Do you ensure that he contributes to the household and pitches in? Does he understand that his contribution and effort is more important than an outcome?

the money is a red herring. Nurturing character traits can occur irrespective of gifts and money.