DD (15) just told me her BF is her GF and I didn’t handle it very well.

[sendwineandastraw]

DD 15 last night in amongst a a mad 5 minutes (3 DD’s having a tickle fight, trying to watching a movie, youngest DD spelling out, hang man style who her celeb crush was) said to me do you want to see who my crush and who I’m dating is…

Thinking she was joining in with the hilarity I didn’t take too much notice until her DS, she was sitting beside her said “OMG it’s ….” (DD’s best friend)

I still thought they were all joking about so did the whole yeah right thing, you can’t kid me they are just friends.

DD at that point started crying and walked out the room. I did try to speak to her after, told her I was always here if she wanted a chat but it wasn’t really the right time to drop something like that into the conversation, and it needs some serious discussion but she wasn’t having any of it.

Of course we have no issue with DD being gay/Bi/straight as long as she’s happy and she has actually said in the past that she isn’t sure if she likes boys & girls or both, and my DH and I handled that very gently, gave her a hug and told her it made no difference to us but it’s the fact that this has obviously been going on a while, sleepovers every weekend, speaking to each other on the phone (if we didn’t intervene) from afternoon to bedtime, not hanging out with anyone else but each other makes me question how we handle it moving forward, I just feel we have gone from a typical teenage girly friendship which involves, shopping , copious amounts of popcorn, and never running out of things to say to a fairly intense relationship that feels quite heavy.

I do believe she hinted they may be sexually active as made an odd comment last week about how she needs to pick all her underwear up from DF’s house as she keeps forgetting it!! I thought it was quite odd at the time but now wondering if that was the start of her wanting to tell me something was happening..

Am in no doubt there are lots of of sexually active teenagers who are very sensible at 15 but I can’t but help feel if this was a boy we would be putting the breaks on it as now feels very all consuming and not really what I want for her when she should be concentrating on having fun and her GCSE’s next year.

Sorry for the ramble I’ve just just woke up with it on my mind, to summarise.

We knew DD might not be straight and have no worries about it.

She told me in such a way that I didn’t take her seriously which upset her and made me question if I’d handled it correctly.

We have no issue with who DD dates but I always thought it would be a “I’ve met someone” or “such and such asked me out” I almost feel like we have been blinded into encouraging a much too serious and intense relationship under the guise that we thought they were just best friends.

DD doesn’t do anything else but talk about friend, to friend, hang out with friend and stay over with friend, we have had lots of discussions about how it would be good to do things with other people and it’s not healthy to spend all your time with 1 and that was when we thought it was just a friendship.

Help me sort this out please.

Nothing to sort out really. There's no big discussion to have.
I'd just say sorry that came out wrong, love you chat whenever.

I'd ask her ''can we go back to the beginning here'', she was being vague and indirect and of course you missed the message! You didn't see the messages coming because you were just out of the picture. Tell her that you want to hear her out. Then listen
xx

Ps, I agree with you, although she cannot get pregnant, 15 is still young to be dealing with the intensity of a sexual relationship especially when she feels conflicted (she felt she was hiding it). I think your message to her to detach a little is still very good advice relationship OR friendship and perhaps she knows you're right, on one level, despite being a bit defensive about that.

I understand how you’re feeling but how do you think it will actually play out if you ‘put the brakes on’ or tell her it’s too intense? Because I would imagine that would probably drive them closer together or she’ll start lying about where she’s going to meet up with friend.

maybe other people will have more wisdom but I would’ve thought aside from basic things like not sleeping over on a school night etc you might just have to be supportive and let it play out: maybe include the GF on family days out and stuff so it’s not just always the two of them alone.

it will either burn out in its intensity or it won’t but not sure you have any control over it in reality.

I definitely do need to chat to her and give her a big hug, it didn’t help that it happened right before bedtime but I guess what I’m wondering is how to handle it moving forward…

Do we keep things the same, do we need to make some changes, I definitely think if what they have isn’t platonic it’s too heave for their age.

DD is only 15 and out of school literally doesn’t speak to or doing anything with anyone else.

You acted like im sure most people would.

Im not sure though how you would put thr breaks on a teen relationship?

At least she can't get pregnant which lets face it is the really serious risk of teens having sex.

I think you can sit her down snd explain your concerns about going into an intense relationship and say you will want her to behave slightly differently now they are sexual partners.

Yeah I think you need to have a chat with her. You already knew that she might not be straight but then when presented with the possibility you dismissed it out of hand, then when you went to apologise you still told her it needs to be a “serious conversation” which is probably not something she wanted to hear. I’m not saying this to rub salt in the wound, just so you might understand why she was so upset. Not everyone wants to have a big “coming out” moment.

If I were you I’d take her out for a nice activity and apologise. Remind her that there’s no parenting handbook and that you’ll react wrongly to thing sometimes and you feel like you reacted badly here.

Them talking all day isn’t an issue, who didn’t spend all day on the phone to their teenage partner back then? But you should definitely address the sleepovers, just by gently reminding her that she’s still a teenager and you’d have an issue with it if it was a boy and that you hope that if they’ve done anything it’s been something she didn’t feel pressured to do.

Today I would reiterate that you love and accept her and leave it at that. If the reaction to her coming out is, 'things need to change so you see less of her' that's not going to help.

My parents thought me and my first gf were too intense but all it did was make me invest in the relationship more to prove them wrong.

By all means encourage her to socialise with a wider group but do it discreetly.

Everything is intense at that age. The more you go one way the more she will go the other, just be supportive

I think it's young for a full on sexual relationship but one of the usual biggies - pregnancy risk - is thankfully absent!

I do think that makes a difference -these two young people aren't in danger of creating a new life for which they will be responsible, way before they're anything like ready.

I think you need to apologise for saying "it wasn’t really the right time to drop something like that into the conversation, and it needs some serious discussion" tbh." It's probably taken a lot for her to build up the courage to tell you and then you told her off for telling you "wrong".

I think all you can do is reiterate the message that - regardless of BF’s status as ‘just close friend’ or ‘romantic partner’ - it is very risky to put all your emotional energy into one person. That you support her sexuality, you love her and her friend, but you want to make sure she’s being smart about not investing everything into just one relationship, because friends are important and having different friendship groups is good for everyone.

If you’ve ever had house rule chats about etiquette around boyfriends/girlfriends staying over, bedroom doors open etc then you’ll obviously need to navigate that this is a change in relationship that means they’ll have to follow the house rules.

Also this. I think you can say you were taken off guard, but not that it’s her fault for not telling you right.

Is everything intense at that age? My experience is similar to what I still see teenagers doing now, including DD’s peers.

being spontaneous and gregarious, not taking life too seriously, basically having fun…

My heavier, intense relationship days came much later on, at uni…

I have taken on board that I need to apologise about how I handled it last night though.

You would have to show your dd that she can trust you and be comfortable with talking to you about her relationship with her df/gf.

If she has been keeping this secret and you reacted the way you did last night, then she will be feeling upset.

I think apologise to her for how you handled it, reassure her that she is loved and accepted, then go from there.

My dd came out by voicemail a few weeks ago, so she didn't see my immediate reaction. When we did see each other face to face, she confessed that she kept it secret for months , and it took a lot of courage to come out.

I agree with you that it's not healthy for your dd to spend all her time with just one person. If she is in a wider circle of friends then discreetly reminding her not to neglect them and that it's important to nurture those friendships would be my suggestion.

It doesn’t need discussion. You’ve got a great daughter sounds like she’s been dropping hints for ages. Of course it’s intense, that’s the way teen romances are. But when it fizzled out that’s when you’ll be needed.

In terms of “would we be intervening more if it was a boy” and the sex issue - she can’t get pregnant by a female so I do think it doesn’t need the intervention you would usually make if it was a male she was possibly sexually active with

@sendwineandastraw

I'm in a similar situation and like you it's the sleepovers that have already happened as well as the emotional intensity that deeply concerns me.

I don't know what the way forward is.

Thankfully in our case the girl is at a different school.

I have tried to be easy because I didn't want to drive them closer and they already lied for about a year.

@sendwineandastraw

You need to act the same way if it's a boy or a girl- if you wouldn't allow a boy to sleep over her to sleep there. Same rules with a boy.

It's hard as they have been doing it already but just explain.

Boy, girl, tree, saucepan if your in a relationship then that's inappropriate and it's no longer a friendly sleepover.

They can come over/ bedroom door open.

Wait a bit with the phone thing have have- family movie time without phones etc no phones at meal times. Phones charged downstairs on school nights etc so it's not in direct relation to this news.

I don't think you handled it badly if she had a close boy who was a friend and the same was said you would have replied the same- no they are just friends.

Oh yes we have phone issue's as well.
It's so intrusive because it's like DD is sharing family moment's happening in real time with her not us!

Good idea above to put phone away at lots of times.

Intensity is par for the course in my experience, all my teenage relationships were very ‘when we grow up and get married’ - conversely to you the fun stuff was at uni when I realised I didn’t want to necessarily have a mortgage and kids by the time I was 21 😆

I’m guessing she felt like she wanted it to be a ‘no big deal’ conversation hence dropping it in while loads of other stuff was going on. I agree with everyone unthread, just apologise for how it all went yesterday, remind her parents don’t always get it right, tell her you love and support her, you’re happy for her and GF, and if she ever wants to chat about anything you’re always there for her. No big conversation. Sure, if you have the opportunity to help her broaden her social circle then I would support it wholeheartedly - as others have said it’s not good to pour all your emotional energy into one person, friend, partner or otherwise. But that needs to come from her, just be enthusiastic if she suggests anything, don’t start trying to set her up with outside interests. Let her lead the way. Oh - and don’t be weird when the gf comes over next! Treat her like you always have done :)

Yy you need to apologise.
As for the intensity, you're right but you can't say it to her. Instead try to organise visits, clubs, trips that give DD the chance to develop other friendships without telling her that's what you're doing.

I've been in your shoes and agree with a pp, she's been dropping hints for ages. You have handled it badly (who wants a serious conversation after coming out, let me tell you = no one).

Just introduce family rules (that would apply regardless of boy/girl) that you'd use for all your children.

No midweek sleepovers
Focus on studies
Etc.

I remember being insanely in love at 16..thought he was my soul mate wanted to spend every minute together...thought i would marry him. Ins natural.

She used the busy moment to tell you something really important to her on purpose because she was nervous. Please dont tell her off for doing that ..

I think its amazing she wanted to share it with you...at 15 you shouldnt punish or tell her off fir not coming out to you in a way you think is appropriate

It definitely doesnt need a serious conversation you would be better keeping it light and being more softly softly in keeping her a bit more able to talk to you

I would keep her busy, rather than trying to keep them apart. The more you push, the more she will push back.
Does she have any hobbies ? Is it time she got a little PT job at the weekend ?