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Original poster

Finding logistics of seeing MIL hard

21 replies

glassdarker · 23/09/2022 06:43

Fil passed away earlier this year, unexpected but he had been unwell for some time and MIL his carer.

MIL loves just over two hours away and we're trying to see her once a month. BIL also lives near her.

We have a toddler and two primary age kids and I'm just finding the logistics hard. We both work in full on full time jobs.

Logistically we have to clean house, get ironing done etc for Monday on Friday night. Do kids activities on Saturday and straight down, coming back late Sunday (earlier doesn't really work as toddler will sleep in the car and won't then sleep later). Sleeping once down there is always poor - we're in a queen bed and kids top to toe- isn't enough room to improve this.

I've thought about DH going on his own or with kids, but having kids with him means he has less quality time with MIL and BIL and if I stay here with them MIL misses her grandkids and logistics of various birthday parties and activities don't really work.

Am I missing anything obvious to make this easier ? Am I unfair in wanting her to come visit us ? She can and has done in the past taken the train to us, but doesn't seem to want to do this anymore

OP posts:

SkyLarkDescending · 23/09/2022 06:47

I think once a month with everything you have going on is a lot! I would offer to go every other month or every 6 weeks and if she wants to see you she needs to travel to you. Does she work? Could she travel in the week?

Alternatively, Can you go just for the day instead of over night? It will be a long day but at least you will have the whole of Sunday for yourselves.

Instantnoodles · 23/09/2022 06:48

She should definitely visit you half of the time if able. Just ask. She would see more of the kids as could arrive earlier and leave later.

Findahouse21 · 23/09/2022 06:51

Could the kids skip their activities once every 2 months so that you could go on Friday night to give you more time there? Or would that not help

beccahamlet · 23/09/2022 06:54

She needs to come to you. Is there a reason she's reluctant?

scatteredglitter · 23/09/2022 06:54

Send dh with one child and alternate the child that goes each time
Go for a day
Invite MIL to yours

Rdcuev the frequency

SalviaOfficinalis · 23/09/2022 06:54

I don’t mean to sound rude but does she actually want these monthly visits to continue? She might feel like she can’t say no!

I would suggest to DH that you go less often and she’s welcome to come to you in between. If she doesn’t come she might just want some time to herself.

How often did you see each other before FIL passed away?

toomuchlaundry · 23/09/2022 07:01

How old is she?

Squeezedsquash · 23/09/2022 07:05

My grandparents lived 2.5 hours away (between ages of 7 and 21) and we only ever went for a day (my dad worked on Sundays which contributed to it, but mostly I think it was personal preference). Left at 8.30ish, there for 11, left at 3.30ish, back at 6. Can you do that at least some of the time?

PermanentTemporary · 23/09/2022 07:06

Trying to imagine what I would want as your MIL. Tbh I wonder if she's not up for travelling whether she might be finding it a bit much.

Could you possibly stay with your BIL?

Could dh go solo every other time?

PermanentTemporary · 23/09/2022 07:07

I'd agree about going for the day sometimes- leaving at kids' bedtime maybe?

lechatnoir · 23/09/2022 07:24

My in laws live 5+ hours away so feel your pain. DH tries to go roughly once a month or so - they are getting old and not in great health or mobile enough to get to us. Sometimes he'll take one of the dc but often just goes on his own Friday night back Sunday pm. We all go as a family probably 3 times a year and dc just miss activities for those weekends. I have my own parents to visit and dc don't want frequent weekends away so no way would I be seeing in laws that frequently unless they were more local.

properdoughnut · 23/09/2022 07:49

Do you both drive? I'd do it in a day if so. So Saturday get up early kids in the car - go down there have lunch then either be home for dinner or have dinner there/on the road. I get what you're saying about birthday parties etc but it's normal for people to miss these to see their grandparents. See if you can stretch it to once every 6 weeks/2 months?

properdoughnut · 23/09/2022 07:50

I think the whole thing will seem more manageable if you can cut the sleeping over there out somehow.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 23/09/2022 07:52

If you have kids clubs on a Saturday I'd make it a Sunday day trip and cut out the overnight bit

ChannelIsland · 23/09/2022 07:57

It’s only two hours away - some people have that as their daily commute! I’d go there and back on the day to avoid the sleeping issue, or send DH in his own each alternate month., and have her come to you one month.

for example - January, she comes to you. February, you all go to see her Saturday only, skipping kids activities. March, husband goes on his own, either as a day trip or overnight, then repeat the pattern each three months.

Fraaahnces · 23/09/2022 08:38

Can she come to you?

girlmom21 · 23/09/2022 08:42

are skipping Saturday activities an option? Go after work on a Friday and come home Saturday lunchtime?

VenusClapTrap · 23/09/2022 08:48

It’s only two hours away - some people have that as their daily commute!

i was thinking this. It’s not that far. Just go for the day on Sunday.

Shinyandnew1 · 23/09/2022 08:58

My DH commutes 2 hours each way to work!

Get up early on the Saturday -all in the car and go, and drive back after dinner on Saturday evening.

Or sometimes DH goes alone, or takes one child.

Find out why she isn’t keen to come to you-ask properly. Can you put her up at yours?

Mix it up a bit.

LittleOwl153 · 23/09/2022 09:19

What do you mean by earlier this year? 4-6months ago? What was your visiting pattern before his death? Does MIL have care needs that BIL is now having to pick up for the slack for as he's closer?

Assuming there are no massive care needs that you DH should support BIL with then I would be saying that you can the kids will drop to every other month and go for the day only- as the overnight accomodation is clearly not working and there has been no move to change this. If DH wants to go on the intermediate month by himself then I'd facilitate that.

If you didn't visit that often before then I wouldn't get stuck into facilitating this pattern of difficult extra visits long term as it clearly is impacting your family - especially if there is no move to give from MIL knowing that what is happening isn't easy for you/kids.

pattihews · 23/09/2022 09:22

glassdarker · 23/09/2022 06:43

Fil passed away earlier this year, unexpected but he had been unwell for some time and MIL his carer.

MIL loves just over two hours away and we're trying to see her once a month. BIL also lives near her.

We have a toddler and two primary age kids and I'm just finding the logistics hard. We both work in full on full time jobs.

Am I missing anything obvious to make this easier ? Am I unfair in wanting her to come visit us ? She can and has done in the past taken the train to us, but doesn't seem to want to do this anymore

Perhaps she's reluctant to travel on the train alone because she's fairly recently bereaved, her world is upside down and she's probably feeling vulnerable. Coming to stay with you may be too much for her at the moment. She may feel she needs the familiarity of her own home to cope with you all. She may also have financial constraints. With his pensions gone she may be having to count every penny.

I'd send DH and the oldest or calmest child every other month and then every couple of months try and get you all there. Maybe after Christmas you could try encouraging her to travel by train, but if she doesn't want to for now, I wouldn't try to make her.

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