Is it ever ok to ask someone if they want kids?

[Jetsun3456]

Context is friend, mid-30s, married over ten years. No kids.

Goes a bit quiet when I mention my DC, not sure if that’s because friend is simply not that interested in kids and finds the subject dull, or because it’s an emotive subject. Also never likes any social media posts about my DC, but is active on social media & likes my other posts.

We only really meet up in the context of a shared hobby and the main topic of conversation between us naturally tends to be the hobby, although we do chat about other things. I am not someone who talks about my DC constantly and love talking about many other subjects. But obviously it would be odd not to mention my DC at all. However if children are an upsetting subject I would of course be happy not to mention DC in this person’s presence.

Is it ever ok to ask someone’s views on having kids? Or do I just stop mentioning my DC even though that would feel unnatural?

Most of my friends have always been quite open and I’ve always known which ones want / don’t want / struggled to have kids. I’ve had a couple of friends go through IVF and they were always quite open about it, but I appreciate not everyone will be and for some people it’s deeply personal.
I’m not sure how to navigate this, so grateful for any advice

I think it would be unwise to ask this question, unless perhaps you have a very close relationship with someone and are confident that you can judge when and how to bring it up.

No, don't ask her. She isn't a close friend. Who knows why she goes quiet when you mention your DC - maybe she can't have kids and would like them. Maybe she finds it boring! Who knows.
If she wants to talk about it she can bring it up.

I speak as someone who's just gone through two failed rounds of IVF and I wouldn't like this question right now.

And I'm very open with good friends but not with people I do hobbies with.

It's a very good idea to ask partner/potential partner.

It's not a good idea for anyone else. If they want you to know, they will tell you themselves.

What PunchyAnts said

Only if you are dating them.

Exactly. There are plenty of reasons why someone would either want children and not be able to have them, or perhaps not want them at all, and most of the reasons are likely to be sensitive.

I would not ask.

I would also not avoid any mention of my own DC if the subject arise naturally but I wouldn't refer to them out of context.

Let her tell you if there is anything Althea would like you to know.

Goodness it all sounded very measured to me. Where do those auto-corrects come from?

arise -> arises

Althea -> she

Only if you're really good mates, which she is clearly not.

You don't have to fully cut out any talk about your kids, just treat it as if she isn't interested and don't witter on about them.

Please don't ask. I've had multiple failed IVF and miscarriages while my friends have been building families. I dread questions like this from the friends I haven't told. If I want to talk about it, I will. And I find that as soon as you talk to someone about it, they feel that they have to regularly ask about it and it's the last thing I want when I'm having a catch up with a friend and trying to forget it all.

I wouldn't avoid mentioning your DC a reasonable amount, just try not to bring all conversations back to them. I've only noticed since I started struggling how many people do that without realising that they're doing it.

This.

I’ve chosen to be child free and hate the ‘are you having kids’ or ‘why haven’t you had kids’ question. None of anyone’s business.

I never ask anyone if they want kids or anything similar. My best pal has one kid and I've heard other friends ask her if she only wanted one. That's so rude.

Two of my four adult kids have both said they don't want kids and I have never questioned their reasoning or joked with them that they might change their minds.

My most hated question is do you have kids, or do you want kids. Yes and no. In theory I should have 5 but I don't because I've had 5 miscarriages. The do u want kids. Yes of course I bloody do it's just not that simple

I wouldn't ask and I would make a conscious effort not to talk about my DC.

I have a close friend who's never dated or married at 45. It does pain her that she doesn't have kids when every one of her friends does. I do try to focus conversation around non family topics because that's got nothing to do with her life.

Also never likes any social media posts about my DC

Why on earth would someone you have a hobby with need to 'like' social media posts about YOUR children??? 🙄

I might comment when a close relatives child wins an award, or my god child does something significant- but I don't praise every other persons child! I'd personally find it rather odd if I liked each and every post about THEIR children!

No- I wouldn't ask about children with her. IF she wants to discuss this- she will. I've TTC 12yrs, lost 3 and had 2 rounds of IVF. Very few people know this, including most family. None of their business.

Never ask anyone, no matter how close, if they wants kids. If they want to discuss it, they will.

My husband's two best friends since childhood are married to each other. My husband is very close to both of them, as am I to a lesser degree, but neither of us have ever asked them about having kids. They don't have any and we don't know the reason why, nor is it any of our business. If they want to talk about it, they will. I feel there is a reason they don't, and again, none of my business.